Heartbreak on eBay
Posted June 21, 2007
Heartbreak on eBay
Dear kokopelli527,
I'm writing to you to ask you the following question: How does it feel to break my heart?
I'm sure you didn't mean to. I'm sure you're a fine person, and I have to admit you have excellent taste in guitars. But did you really need the 1977 Gibson RD Standard you just stole right out from under me on eBay?
Perhaps you do need it. But you will never love it as much as I would have.
Let me tell you something about this guitar. It would complete me. If I have it, all will be right in the world. There will be no poverty. There will be no suffering. Broken marriages will mend themselves, everybody's bowling average will go up, dogs will get along with cats, and people will give the courtesy wave every time somebody lets them into traffic.
But no. You just had to go bid $60 more than I did.
I hope you can live with yourself, Mr. Kokopelli. Just know that every time you turn on the news and see that something bad has happened, the blame lies with you and you alone. You could have done something to stop it.
You heartless bastard. A curse on you and your eBay-sniper software.
That's it! I will curse your guitar. Here goes:
"Hoooodaaamagadaga!"
There! Now every time you play it live, you will break a string. That cute girl who was eyeing you from the front row will turn her attention to your singer. You will die old, lonely and peniless. And penis-less.
I hate to do this to you, Kokopelli, but I can't help but feel this way now that you have taken a slice of heaven and wrested it from my very hands.
May God have mercy on your soul.
John
Say When
