PureVolume

letting go

you know somethings wrong when you find yourself trying to make the person you love happy by trying to put them in a relationship with someone else because you're too much of a pussy to tell her you love her.

A few weeks later that relationship ends and it's finally my chance to tell her how i really feel. Or at least that's what i thought. you tell her you have to talk and she tells you about the latest guy. he's the good lookeing jock that every guy wishes they could be and in this case i want to be him to because he has her heart.

they aren't officially dating so i figure i have some time to figure out the perfect time to tell her. After homecoming! it'll be perfect and everything will work out and we'll live happily ever after... or so i thought.

i gave her a ride home that night. i told her that i had to tell her something important. she said that she had to tell me something too. i told her that she could go first and to my suprise she tells me that she's dating the jock. "He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes!" she told me with a huge smile on her face. "And... He kissed me!" What was i supposed to do now. my heart was just shredded into 4573998478475874 peices.

she asked me what i had to tell her and i made up something stupid about how if it rained soon that i would have to reschedule my senior pictures. what a stupid lie.

the rest of the ride home i was quiet because i didn't want to say something i'd regret. she asked me what was wrong and i told her i was just tired from the dance. she bought it. i dropped her off and as i drove away a tear rolled down my face.

I have never cried over someone before. she was special. i thought i actually had a chance and it was thrown in my face.

never let love scare you out of letting him/her know how you really feel or you'll end up like me.

at this very moment i'm sitting in her livingroom watching a lions game with her wondering what would've happened if i told her that she was everything that i want and more and that i would do anything in my power to make her happy.

homecoming was yesterday (9.26.09) and it hurts more than ever.

i hope this pain goes away.

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When It Rains

When It Rains

Matt dropped his backpack with a heavy thud as he sank to the pavement and leaned against the brick of the school building. Tiny bullets of water exploded on the street, but the overhang of the school's roof sheltered him from the rain. He breathed in the scent of fresh rain and slowly relaxed after a long day. Even at a new school in the suburbs, life wasn't much different. Matt still moved from class to class in a daze, trying to ignore the busyness and laughter in the hallways. None of the other kids noticed him because he was quiet. Even some of the teachers couldn't remember his name. Today he'd stay after school for jazz band, hoping to find enjoyment by learning an insturment. But he was sure that the other kids had noticed his mistakes, and they wouldn't understand that he was an inexperienced drummer. Or worse, they hadn't noticed at all. He had prayed for a new begining here, but it was exactly the same. Matt closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. God, he asked, please comfort me now.
The school door swung open behind Matt, startling him. A short kid with brown-red hair sat down beside him.
"Hey," the kid said, grinning widely. "You're the new kid in jazz band, right? Percussion?"
Matt blinked in suprise, "Yeah."
"I thought I recognized you. My name's Jack."
He swallowed nervously and said, "I'm Matt."
"So, how long have you been playing drums?"
"Only a couple of weeks."
"Oh, you're pretty good for a beginer. You'll like Mr. K., he's cool. Are you new here?"
"Yeah, I just moved."
"From where?"
Matt glanced at the pools of rain on the street as he recalled the places he'd come from. Images flashed through his head: His mom's peaceful cabin. The white walls of the hospital. Loss. Meeting his grandma for the first time. Her home, her tiny garden, beauty in a lonely world. The new school in Chicago. Isolation, bullying, pain, grief. Trying to think of ways to end his life.
He shuddered inwardly, but somehow managed to keep his voice steady. "Chicago."
"Really? What's Chicago like?"
Matt shrugged, "I dunno. Crazy. Constant noise. I used to live in a cabin in Wisconsin. It was quiet."
"But it must've been fun in Chicago, right?" asked Jack. "Not like here in the suburbs, where everything's boring and nothing happens."
"It's OK so far," Matt replied. "In Chicago, it's crazy. I mean, there's lots of stuff to do if you have the extra money, but there are so many people, and the city never falls asleep." He didn't mention the gangs he'd seen, the police sirens that woke him in the middle of the night. The bullet that whizzed passed him as he walked to school. Nor did he mention the kids at his school who called him Goth because of his dark clothes, and, when he dicided to defend himself, a broken nose. But they didn't know he wore black for mourning after loosing his mom, the most important person in his life.
He didn't mention how his grandmother, terrified that he could be hurt, forbade him of wearing a cross in public out of concern that it could be misinterpreted as a gang symbol. And he said nothing about his grandma moving out to the suburbs so he'd be safer.
"Oh," Jack said. "Hopefully you'll like it here, then. It has it's plusses too. Downtown is pretty cool. If you want, I could show you around sometime. The popcorn shop is the best. Anyway, what sports do you like?"
As their conversation continued, Matts bad day had vanished from his mind. He quickly learned about Jack: a cubs and bears fan who lived for rock music. Before long the after school activity bused pulled up, spraying dirty raiwater everywhere. Jack pulled up the hood on his sweater and called, "See you around, Matt."
"Yeah, see ya." Matt grabbed his backpack and walked to his bus. Already the rain had been reduced to a light drizzle, and rainbow rays pierced the gray sky. He climbed on the bus and found a seat, reflecting on the openness of a new friend who made the simple desicion to start a conversation with a stranger. A friend who excepted him for who he was, tattered black clothes and all. He silently thanked God for the precense of friendship in the world and for people like Jack.

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Perfect First Kiss

My vision of the perfect first kiss would be at night time.
Me and my boyfriend are sitting at the edge of a pond with all the lilly pads and cat tails swaying in the wind.
I look up at the sky and feel him take my hand.
I look into his eyes and he looks back into mine.
I feel raindrops fall on my face.
All of the sudden it starts to rain and we run underneath the nearest tree.
He holds me near to him to warm me up from the cold of the rain and he kisses me.

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Untitled

What's on her mind right now? It's funny she ask herself that because she never think about herself. Her life revovles friends, family, and her enemies. The monsters of her life are starting to flow through her viens like a river. The evil and hate she feels make her blood boil under her skin. She can feel it bubble as it flows in her. She would do anything to kill them. Her demons are taking control. She has to keep control. She has to pull herself together. The images in her mind are sick and twisted. Especailly when she's angery. She see's herself going crazy and hurting someone she loves. Where is God? She wishes he would come and free her from the demons that control her. Every word, movement, and facial expression is controlled by this evil flowing through her soul. It's almost like she signed the devils book in her mind. Without the pen or drop of blood like in the movies or you read about. The music, the images, the everything makes her feel powerful yet guilty. It's like a power of independece. She feels like she doesn't need anyone's help even when she know's she can't do it on her own. This power fills her with a lust to hurt something whether it's alive or not. She feels like taking a knife and slicing holes in the wall to represent the void in her heart.

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