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X_BLOODYREDROMANCE_X
10212004
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NIKKI2 LOVES MUSIC
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AK47ShootMebaby
Plainfield, CT
girlfrend158
United States
love them now XD
"Smile, cause God gave you lips
Hurt, cause God gave you a heart "
my name is Erin
i'm seventeen years old
I love playing in candle wax
I love getting my own way
Ive never dyed my hair
I like both girls and boys and get nervous around both
I wont tell you if Im mad
If Im in love I dont think Ill realize
I dont think loves coming my way
I love music and listen to all types
I love screaming XD
Im not good with technology
all you really need are a few good friends
I cant spell to save myself
I get weirded out by compliments
whats left to lose, ive done Enough and,
if i fail well then i fail but i gave it a shot.
I bite my bottom lip all the time
I love to talk in person
I love to talk on the phone
And I love to talk on the computer
I scream as loud as anyone, But when asked to make a point I tend to whisper.
I get jealous very easily
My animals are the world to me
I should take my dog for more walks.
I should try harder at school.
its safe to say I've only got myself to blame.
Im not a girly girl
I hate giggly, girly girls. Actually I dont like many girls
I think I could make better use of my time on land.
I hum along to instrument not sing along to lyrics
People always say Im so happy.
I guess I do look at the bright side of things
If you have questions...feel free to ask XD
Starting now I'm starting over.
Messenger :zoolandermate@hotmail.com
Myspace: www.myspace.com/zoomate
she finally kissed me!
okay, for ages i've liked my friend charlie (charlotte) it started over a year ago, but i'd never liked another girl so it was a little odd at first. it thought i should tell her...i did so and things were weird for a while.. but over the year we drew closer again and it was dandy.we became so close it was obvious to most of our friends what was going to happen. so finally last holidays she admitted she liked me... and i ionformed i never did get over her... and for a while we just had this understanding .. until a few weeks later we thought it silly not to do anything about it.
so we are 'going out' and such and finally she kissed me C=
that is that.
she finally kissed me!
okay, for ages i've liked my friend charlie (charlotte) it started over a year ago, but i'd never liked another girl so it was a little odd at first. it thought i should tell her...i did so and things were weird for a while.. but over the year we drew closer again and it was dandy.we became so close it was obvious to most of our friends what was going to happen. so finally last holidays she admitted she liked me... and i ionformed i never did get over her... and for a while we just had this understanding .. until a few weeks later we thought it silly not to do anything about it.
so we are 'going out' and such and finally she kissed me C=
that is that.
D=
Hello everyone. This is very long... and maybe boring to others so you can stop now if you want... it's everything that was flowing through my head so it's all mixed up and all over the place sorry.
My father died. At the age of 49 on the 15th of December due to cancer. It's a shit (cancer) I know alot of you have probably known someone who's had it and such... and I never knew what it did to people. It changes them. This may sound harsh... I still loved him... right up tell his death... but the man I lived with for that last 6 month was not my father. He was only unfunctionable sick in the last 2 weeks... working right the way up to the point... he was never one to sit about and do nothing. But prior to that the medication made him into a different man. My mum feared I'd only be able to remember him that way. Personally feared it too, being daddies little girl all my life it was strange to be getting into trouble for such small thinks... but the knowledge that it was the medicine was there. That was a little hard to deal with but I got over it. I didn't really speak to him much in his last week of life. I didn't know what to say to him. I really couldn't spit the words out. There was never that last moment declaration of love and although my family never says it to each other we all know it's true. Wait... I lie... a few days before his death mum and I were in tears on the couch together (she was crying and i didn't know what to do... I've never been good with other people's emotion so she had to actually tell me to get up and give her a hug) I told her about how much father missed her when she was away for a few months one time. And I quote 'he loved you so much' as soon as I said it... it was like he was dead already... he lovED! I felt rude. But that was a nice feeling to... I don't know... talk about it. We had started to plan the funeral as we knew it wasn't too much longer... we knew before Christmas and I had some feeling in the back of my head before my birthday. On the 13th and 14th I stayed over at a friends place... and before I left... that morning I went into the bedroom to say goodbye to my father.. I was prepared for it to be the last... it sounds so cliche but it's true. I knew he couldn't have fun... his could barely walk or hold his smoke between his fingers (that was actually quite funny to watch... he's be holding it.. and it would just slip out.. he got so frustrated the poor man) so I was thinking.. How can he have fun... and i remembered... he sleeps allot therefore he must dream...apart from seeing a few things (from the morphine i guess) he was still thinking okay. So as I kissed him on the head and said goodbye and 'Have fun in your head' it's silly I know... but it's the only thing I could think of. And it just seemed like a sincere goodbye, fun and lighthearted and from the heart. All he has is his head now... well... his soul...and he's be in there for ages now... wherever he is... so I though he deserves to have fun
So anyway... I don't know if he heard me in the end... I think he was asleep... As he was for most of the day at this point.
I had a blast at my friends place... I had to finish off a speech and practice it for English. I'm not sure how much my mates knew about what was going on. I never really tried to let it out much... not that I was suppressing anything I just didn't deem it essential for them to know. Leading up to the death my mum insisted I tell the teachers at school... I wasn't so keep on that idea and when father was given a few weeks to live I didn't tell my friends. And didn't really intend to either to be honest... apart from two that is. My sisters respected my decision but insisted on telling me the fact I already knew... and I knew even then that I should be telling them. I understood it would make me feel better and it would make things easier. But I was honestly fine. I'm not very close with most of my friends, apart from a few and one had an aunty on life support due to cancer. A few times I came to school and just hugged him... and he knew just what was in my head. But I wrote a journal entry once. Which I allowed him to read... and on conclusion said he knew how I felt and went on to say about it being the same with his aunty. This made me rather annoyed... of course I nodded and smiled and said all the nice things I was supposed to say. But I felt like just screaming at him. He didn't know. He said to me once he didn't even really know her. This was my father! He didn't have to watch what you love just crash and waste away to nothing. Or become a completely different man. He didn't have to go home to it ever night after yet another crap day at school and no sleep. Arguments all the time yet again cause of the stupid medication. But then I realized it would be hard for him. He lives with the feeling of knowing he could have gotten to know her better, spent more time with her and such. I don't have that guilt. As I was daddies little girl I have those great memories where I used to lay in his bed and listen to him tell me stories about the animals of the farm when he was growing up. (I love animals and he grew up on a pig farm with horse and ducks and chickens and everything I've only ever dreamed of) and at the very start of him actually getting really bad I was able to have a night with him alone. That was nice... he sort of struggled with getting about... but he was talking and acting like my normal father apart from the fact that he couldn't really eat solid and had to support himself a little when standing and such. Mum had gone out to a teacher from schools house for a Christmas party and ITit was just he and I alone... the way I generally liked it. We're quite similar in nature really I think. so I whipped him up some gourmet babyfood. I think that was a really different night. It was the first night I could really reflect on what was going on. I noticed he was in a bad way. And that he was sick and he did actually have cancer. I think I had tears in my eyes like... the whole time I was heating the food ... I really hope he didn't see... he didn't say anything if he did. And so we sat in the chairs in the lounge and talked about nothing in particular. I was starting my speech I think or doing some other type of school thing. He was watching TV and commenting on the baby food not being all that bad. It was odd watching his decent down the stairs for a smoke. It took about 3 minutes for him to make it down. He told me if he wasn't back in ten minutes to go get him. So I did my work... well... thought about some thing I think... I don't think alot but when I do it turns out like this and just keeps going anyway... 10 minutes was up so I went down. He was still sitting in the chair... 'Yeah yeah yeah' I got when I opened the door... 'just a little longer' so I waited down there with him. Until he found the strength to get up. I had to help him.... and by mistake got trapped behind him climbing the stairs. It took even longer getting up. But I was patient. I'm glad I got that night. It seems like nothing... but for me it was the last night i had with my dad... even thought it was about 2 weeks before he died.
so on December the 15th, after staying at dear charlies house I went off to school to hand in some bio work and perform my speech. I was all alone... none of the other people that stayed went to school as they are all slack . The day went fine. No friends at school but Morgan. And I spent most of my spare time that day reading my speech anyway. English came and in the speech before mine Morgan passed the phone to me... it was a text message from Geoff. His aunty with the cancer had died that morning. Wow that sucks I though. Poor Geoff. But it made me think... I'm here... stressing about a speech... and this lady is now just dead. She had a life and now she doesn't. And this (speech) and I and everything that was going on at that time were so insignificant in the big picture. Everyone in that room was nobody. I was going to stand up in front of those people and read some words for 5 minutes while the ladies at the back of the room judged me. Okay... fine that's easy... I'm not dead or dying so why should I worry. Ha. Then of course I got up and looked at all those 'insignificant' people... mm I was scared again. I got through okay. General chokes and retardedness on my behalf but that was okay. I sat down and enjoyed my day.
When I got home... it was empty. Just as it was when dad was working and mum wasn't home caring for him. I was a little confused. Someone has to be here... we couldn't just leave father here... so I checked the bedroom. Empty... ok... some tests maybe?
Then the phone rang... and it was my mum saying it was all fine and they were just getting fathers stomach drained and they would be home with father in the ambulance in half an hour. She was crying... but assured me everything was okay. So half an hour passed and then hours... and I busied myself talking to my new little friend saying how it was odd they weren't back. Finally at about 9 pm my sisters car pulled up... Angus barked... the usual... the ambulance must be coming soon too.
So my sister came up... and my mum.... I was just getting Angus to shush and I asked where the ambulance was... I hadn't looked up at them yet. Everything seemed fine.
Then I turned around. I saw mum standing there. I knew straight away. 'It's not coming' my mum said. And my sister added 'ever' or 'he's not coming back'... I wasn't really thinking at the time. It all felt weird... like... fake. I started to cry and hugged my mum and my sister joined in... But I don't know if my tears were really real. They didn't really seem real. I felt like that was what I was supposed to do... someone dies you cry right?
I mean... sure I was sad. I was really sad. But it just 'hadn't hit I guess' we broke up and sat on the couch andthey told me everything that happened. I got sweeps of sadness and things were like 'wow'.... I called the only person I wanted to know right then. Charlie... I had this strong think I was going to say... Something like being sorry to steal the thunder from Geoff or something... so I called. she answered. I opened my mouth... and nothing came out. I Started to splatter nothing and cry and I have no idea really... I can just remember thinking my good plan of being so strong had crumbled. She was just on the end of the line like "Erin? What's wrong" so I told her and we talked and she had no ride up... and I said it was fine she didn't have to come out. She did. That was the best thing ever.
As for now... after the family has gone and everything is back to normal ... I sit here in the wee hours of the morning... I've noticed...when people come up and say "I'm so sorry to hear about your dad' I say 'aw thank you... but it's okay' but I mean it... so many people have said 'no it isn't! its horrible' well... sure it sucks my father isn't here anymore... but it IS okay. We're going well. He's going well now he isn't in pain. He was sick. Now he isn't so it's a good thing. Sure I may sound like I'm an idiot and trying to make some excuse to put it aside.. But I don't put it aside... I just look at it that way. And believe it. He'd be happy with how we're doing... and coping and surviving... he may get annoyed at mums cooking... and me not doing my assignment or always being on the computer... but we're good.. He's good. He's been in a Few of my dreams and although i woke to tears and got scared from the first one... I know what they mean and I know the point I was supposed to get from them... great now I sound like a weirdo D=
I get scared sometimes that I might see him out of my dreams... I haven't yet. I think I fear it. I always glance at where he layed when he was sick. And in the garage sometimes. But I think that's all just part of it. But now that normality has set in again... I think it's starting to sink in. I think I needed to write this *smiles* Thanks.
New Years Resolutions
New Years Resolutions...
1.Read more
2.Take angus for more walks
3.Make my dog lose weight
4.Exercise more
5.Not spend so much time on the computer
6.Use my time constructively
7.Be more creative
8.Not leave all my assignments to the last minute. finish a week before theyre due
9.Take more care when I typeactually proof read things
10. Talk to my mum more
11.Be more social with my extended family when theyre up
12.Learn to cook
ANOTHER CONCERT XD
hey everyone..
yep.. i get to got to another concert.. i'm so stoked... My Chemical Romance.. . which means i get to head back to melbourne, so i might go check out the university as wel.. awww i can't wait.. i anm thinking abobut maybe doing a course in zoology.. i can't wait...
okay.... see you.. drop in an d say hi ig you wish.. i do.
if your stomach feels weak then...
hi
posted Oct 04