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A Love Once Lost

 I am going through PBS (Post Breakup Syndrome) for the second time in my life now which really never leaves you, it only grows numb. As one great writer proclaimed, an old love is like an older walkway, it still exists, forever, just weeds and thorns may grow over it making it impossible to walk through and enjoy once again, but you can still remember it. And it is still there.

   I still love her as much as i ever did, and always will. Pathetic, i know. Will i ever love again? The answer can never be fortold for sure, but the answer is probably yes. But why? Why love again, the bittersweetness of that very emotion makes my stomach churn inside out. Why enjoy such an exotic shortlasting feeling only to be crushed and feel 10 times worse than you did before? Why go through the self examination afterwards?

  I feel like such an awful creature that she dreads to look upon. Im stupid, but any chance i get to even talk to her, even knowing she doesnt want me to, brightens my day. I make up excuses to even look at her, i cant write any more i know not what i desire anymore, i cant concentrate, my heart and mind always come back to her.

    I wasted a wonderful oppourtunity, at a wonderful relationship. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do i fear and dread touch? Why did i not simply hold her ONCE!! Why did i not SHOW instead of TELL her how much i love her and long for her light? Why am i so awful of a creature to fuck with an amazing girl's emotions and make her feel horible for what I DIDNT DO!

    I am afraid of rejection, i was afraid she would push me away as she had done so in the past, i feared to be hurt again. And i shouldnt have. I should have obeyed my heart, i should have held her every time i wanted to, i should have pulled her close to me and quiver as i tried to kiss her for the first time, just to know, to know what could and maybe should have been. I should have left the prison that binds me fearlessly to be with the one i love instead of stay inside the cage and wait until the right moment came. Because only now i realize that every moment with her was the right moment.

    Now,  it is her i see when i blink, her that i see in the darkness of my room as i toss and turn hopelessly to try and sleep.

     But she deserves so much more than i can or could ever offer, i am just an illusion, and can never truley be with anyone, they can merely glance my way as they pass to some important destination as i hopelessly long to belong in the heart of someone i truely love. Yet can never break the glass that surrounds me to reach out and touch her. So, maybe it is better this way, so she can truley be happy and i can fulfill my destiny of dieing and remaining, forever alone.

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Vincent

I have caught yet another spider to set free into my room... i have named him Vincent. He is a little black spider. I found him by the front door yesterday and took him to my room. Hes so cute!

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The Love of my Life

 Have you ever wondered why life can be so cruel to you at times and then repay you with the greatest event in your life?  For me that event is the day my grilfreind said that she said she loved me.

 The only thing about it is now i am only afraid of losing the greatest thing that has ever hapend to me, my wonderful girlfrend Amanda. I love her more than anything i could ever dream of. She is everything i never knew i even wanted and i found her before i realized i was even looking.

 I often wonder why us losers have the most beautiful and intelligent girlfreinds in the entire world that love us dearly. I dont understand how but she loves me for some reason. I dont know what, but i am glad she does. And i love her. I guess thats all that really matters.

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Elizabeth

I have a new spider now, i named her Elizabeth. She's a beautiful spider but i have no idea where she went...

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George is GONE!!!

Im sooooo sad =[. My wild pet spider is no more! Well, hes somewhere but I had to move so i couldnt bring George with me.=[ It really sucks dick. Ill have to catch another wild spider outside to put in my room. May George R.I.P.

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