- Listener
"SHORSTACK"
HACFanClubPres
Fisherville, KY
philthomas
Louisville, KY
njstudios
United States
xHeather35
United States
Hey everyone... Don't be scared, I don't bite strangers. Like it says here, I am a listener and it is what I do best. Besides give opinion. If you want to know where else you can contact me, message me or comment.
Peace;
Eternal
Geivence In Life... I Went Through Physical, Mental, And Sexual Abuse
I have thought as a young girl that i was always going to be an outcast, a lost soul in this life. At the sad age of six i new that someday i was going to have no specific place in life, i was never going to be able to be accepted fully by those around me. From both the physical and mental pain i have endured at that age on i kept to myself. I remember the most controversial thing at the age of six was telling my mom something that i couldn't bury inside. I told her, and i remember as plain as day, that "i cant trust that man(my father)" and she said "i know honey." As i got older my abuser hurt me more and more. Once i had had enough i could do nothing, all i could do was let it happen. Every pain from those blows from that poison of a hand and the spit from the mouth was fowler than Saitan himself. I became more attatched to my mother as the days went by, and more distant from the man they called my father.
How was he to be my true father? There is no way in the darkessed recesses of earth could he be my father. What was this purpose? Why was i injected with all this pain... this suffering... that has now become my grievance?
As i grew every day i became more of a reclouse, becoming distant from my loved ones, from those who truely cared for me. Every time he hurt my mother, how hard i cryed. How many tears did i have to shed to bring this life to justiceness? How swollen did my eyes have to get before i was free? How much did i have to lose before i could break down the brick wall that confided me? That is all i wondered as the wind and i became closer. The violins in time was my modivation to keep moving through this time.
When i was forced to move i became worse in my mental health. The abuse was slowing down at the age of elevin put was updated, and how many times was i hurt. As i was ending middle school i started putting grafitti on my body. My parents hated it but i was willing to express what i held deep inside myself without defying my parents. Though i was yelled at to whip off the drawing from my skin, as it was an eye crying a bloody tear. Later as a very important period in my life when i knew i was becoming more mature and understanding of my troubles. Though as my depression built i just wanted everything to die. So one night i decided to cut myself, carving GRAVE into my arm. As i cut deeper in the skin i could feel my tension float away. One day when i was sick and stayed home from school, as i was very ill, my father came home and tore into my room. Yelling at me as i was sitting on the floor, my room was a bit of a mess, and i was trying to relax my spirit. He force fully spit fire into the air as he said " you need to clean this damn room up, it's filthy like you" i told him i was sick but he wouldn't stand for that, so then he said " well you could at least do something, at least i dont cut myself!" That just tore me to bits, and i just cried and never ate the rest of that day. Shortly after i have cut deeper and watched the blood hit the floor i knew i had to do something with my pain, my depression, my emotions. One day as it was the weekend my mom said " you shouldn't cut yourself" and i totally fired back " The only reason i have cut my arm is to show everyone the hell you all have put me through, everything that you didn't do to help when i needed it the most!" and i stormed off to my room. I knew that night i made her cry as my father did on many occasions. I was so ashamed i cried that night, all night and i listend to rock as i cried. Listening to the lyrics and understanding them i wrote "Hurt Intentions" which is on my poem page.
From then on i searched for help anywhere i could look and i fell in love as i search. At the age of sixteen and almost seventeen i was crushed. But the really sad thing was i couldn't cry, and i was thinking if this was it, the end of my sufferage. It wasn't but it was a start to where i am today. I bacame more into my own, and being more artsy and expressing myself that way. As my parents had been split up i had a horrid time going to see him, i seriously hated his guts. When i wasn't allowed to stay home on my birthday and go to his apartment instead i called him out. On his neglection, his anger, and what he had done to pain me. Then he violently denied everything i said, saying i was wrong and it was all lies. A couple months later i confronted him on that trying to tell him how much i could careless if he got hurt after everything i said about him to his face. All he said was and i quote "You're going to regret this someday and learn that i was right!"I cried that night as i knew he wouldn't have listend to me. Again a couple months later as i was spilling my feelings of him to his face he never cared one bit, he never even listened to a word i was saying and i knew it. My brother was there hiding as i did all the talking and crying and building up anger. When he said i would regret it again it just infuriated the fire inside me. I said "... WELL YOU CAN SUCK MY BUTT...," kinda funny as i think about it now, and i couldn't say suck my dick cause i don't have one. As soon as i said that he forable raised from his seat and smacked me in my head three times ever so violently as he projected "Never disrespect me like that again!" Then i fell to the floor in pain ,just laying there until he went outside to smoke, he never said sorry for hitting me ever.
For all the times he hurt me i realized he could never control himself, he can never take control of a situation because when he can't handle it, he uses force and physical power against those who he believes is wrong. Calling him out for all the times he tore me down as a child, all the times he could have been there when he just neglected both me and my brother, not caring if what we said about his smoking habbits was true. Lieing about all those times that he cared about our family, all the times he took us places, the good times we had my ass. 99.8% of the time we were with our mom on vacation and doing family things with her. It was a rarity for my dad to plan anything or even take the time to care about being a father. His job may have been stressful ,but i remember one father who had three children and was almost always busy, yet he took the time when he was free to spend it with his three girls and one of them even has a medical problem. So there is no excuse for his neglect or anything he didn't do when he had the time. I have realized that the only thing he was good for was having sex with my mom and for her to have me and my brother. The truth be told i am a miniture version of my mother in every aspect. The only thing that connect me to my father is the last name and the only X sperm of my athletic abilities.
As I became more aware of my worth I realized that I have special talents that do not come from either my mom's or dad's side of the family. I was made for a reason and one is to be able to make sure i don't make the same mistake of marrying a man who lies. Two is to put out there the true person my father really is and not what he wants people to think of him. three is to help others in anyway possible and as well as i can, there is some I haven't figured out yet ,but I will in time. Now coming more towards the present i went to see a couple of psycologists and therapists and two of thm have tried to get through to my father of his bad habbit ,but they couldn't. I was put on 20 mg of Prozac and i am recently still taking it and i feel better then i ever have before. Now I have the choise to go to my dad's or never again, and now I don't have to be in his presence.
Now i am feeling free for once in my life, the brick wall that once held me from the world has been taken down from my Savior. As I sit here typing this my mother and my animals are my entire world, I love them to death and they are ".. the perfect drug... without them everything falls apart..." As the days turn from day to night my family is my world, my animals are my anti-drug , the ones I love are my everything!
Hurt Intentions
There are so many reasons why people should help each other. For helping me there is no reason to. Im invading my own self in little bits of information. Every time I talk to someone they think there is something wrong with me; maybe there is. Maybe my insides dont take to talking and I act odd around those who supposedly care for my well-being. I guess in whatever state of mind Im in they think I need something to take care of it. Yet, it might just backfire in a way no one can imagine. Addiction; something I dont want to feel or at least I think not. Depression; many people think its in me and deal with it immaturely which does make me depressed.
I dont know is all I can say to the questions people ask me. I do know that some people dont appreciate the being of me and for many others, we may never know. I still feel uncertain of what people think of me its hard not to act the way I am. Not wanting to talk and/or being around my peers, is it a sickness or just human nature? Ill never understand what its like to worry about myself in someone elses eyes. Being exhausted with this all the time hurts myself. I wish I knew what was going on so I can move on and relinquish all I wish not to be.
I wish telling off is the next thing on my list. I really want those who get told off to understand how annoying they are. With all the giggling, gossip, and acting like the (pricky) preppy bitchiness we all have to deal with. I hate it so much that I cant hold it in. I really dont give a lick with what I say to them. Some of them havent seem all the hell I have and if I have to go there well, I dont care. I bet it cant be worse to live like a demonic Christian than to suffer the way I have. This truly sucks but I have to deal with it: knowing what I am and what I shouldnt be.
My dreams contribute to these acts forbidden in my religion to even think about it. This is probably why I should go to hell (really). My music is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself and dying. This prevents me from baring myself to unwanted souls. When it is given willingly I will surely die the next day because what I need to say is too sinful to some ears. I dont know for sure if its all true but, just about ninety-eight percent of what I write is true and thats a fact to me.
I may be dazed and confused for eternity from this day on but I guess its not important (like being remembered). All I have left is time so I should be filling my will all to give to those closest to my heart. Yet, I should forget all those who tried to help so I wont feel overburdened and holding onto the colors of dead skin of those people. I think I should give up and become a tongue of truth that tastes the burrito of the diseased mistake that falls away into a sacred lie that is unforgiven. The plastic men that have redefined pain-just stop and rise up their ten thousand fists that deify the deep end of the unknown with all of their might. Dare the white light to finally come out of the monkeys head. The fire of these last living souls live in this green world where all the daughters and sons of plunder all speak Im Alive!
Some of the burdening days are good but most are dreadful. Being internally sick and going to school is the best feeling in the world (not really). Pain isnt a big worry when there are loads of things going on. Trying to keep attention at a time needed is hard to do yet, if I dont I will be punished. Most of the time we have had no choice in what the proper authority says in this matter. We just have to keep our path in the direction we want. It will be hard but if we follow the path our over takers will have no authority any more. When the people get through the tough times and create the good times it will be possible to get through the door of our life.
Its truly hard to realize that the good times with your friends pass by so quickly. Everyone wants to make these moments last forever of for a long period of time. Some of us dont really understand friendship unlike others who do and take it for granted. Im in the middle of these times and I finally see what it fully means to me. This time is to never be forgotten but collected with the important friends. We mainly joke, kid, and be ourselves so we can be true not only to others but also to ourselves as well and not be labeled as a fake!
Stop judging me! Stop caring for what accessories I wear because Im really getting POed. Im not satanic, gothic, (maybe emo) or any combination of them. I may wear a load of objects no my wrist but I dont slit my wrists. Now if I get angry enough Ill start to cuss like crazy. Giving an example would put you in to a shock and you would set me off. So this can be prevented I listen to rock music every morning until its not needed. The loud bass, drums, guitars, and vocals relinquish the tension before the day starts. It you get angry with me for this simple event you can zip it because you dont want to see me in a mood. Or if you want to take the chance of setting a bomb off go ahead. If I were handed out detention after detention it would be so flipping possible. Youve given me too many warnings (like youre sexist). I should be punished like everyone else and if not this school should go up in flames.
We are the young and aspiring, the youth of the nation. Im the portrait of a masterpiece conspiracy from the ghetto of cut up angels that sing the blue note of yesterdays feelings. The haunted tourniquet in a parallel universe reinvents your exit to the whisper of scarred tissue that is within me. I am the messenjah that tries to seek forgiveness, not to escape from all that Ive got. I dont know, this last breath is taking over me under the bridge of regret, Ive tried to let it bleed, the scrape of the burning sensation of loneliness, that pure running source of comfort is forbidden for me to let out that temptation. Ive tried to take it away but the otherside, by the way, has the impact of reasons I should let it out. Im a fake of being ridiculous in content with losing the anything, right sign off my face. In my mind nothing is right and not being able to smile is an advantage to me but id a disadvantage to all who thinks Im misplaced. There is no time to save me just leave me alone!
The autumn effect has set in and Im finally waking up, Im bound to now believe in the voices that shout for miles. Like the red sky I now stand and feel my worth of this half life. I have become the image of the invisible, a mistress of the liberate, into the blood to bleed. Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated as if the jumper came over the fault line. Ive come over with narcolepsy in the semi-charmed life that holds fast hope. From this I am down with the sickness and I wish to be more than insects and prey. This wasteland has changed from seasons to cycles of violent fetish and fear. All I want to know is hows it going to be when we give it all to the last one, the provider, for the real weapons and wounded. As I look through the iris of the burning man the earth will shake as the music box of the enemy begins to play. We are like moths to flame, the paper wings of the paralyzing kings take me back then to a life less frightening. I think saying thanks a lot is minuscule to whats coming next, the phobics of tragedy!
Poems
LOVE OF THE DARK
When i bite you, you feel me,
As i feed on your flesh
Your blood is mine and only,
And you moan and make it so
I sink my fangs in deeper,
You feel each inch of you nerves
You scream my name as comsume you,
The more i feed on and the deeper i go
I withdraw from your neck,
Yet lick some of the blood off you
I stare at you and gaze into your eyes,
Biting down on your lower lip
As you lick the blood off my upper lip,
We kiss so deep and intense
So much tounge and blood,
It is o' so desired and devine
You withdraw from me,
Then start kissing down my neck
Until you ravage my neck with your fangs,
Your bite is so hard yet so wanted
You suck the blood out of me,
I gasp at your powerful bite
Then i moan your name as you dig deeper and harder into my neck,
I dig my nails into you, and let the blood trickle down your back
You stop biting and lick the bit of blood off my neck,
You gaze at me, and i lick some of the blood off your lips
We kiss o` so deep again,
With much passion and wanting
I almost fall as i feel light headed,
Gently you lay me on your bed
You sit over me and penitrate,
Leaning forward then we kiss again
REFECTIOM OF A TOUCH
Awake from a slumber with you by my side,
You staring dreamily at your love.
Caressing your warm hand against my cheek,
Myself touching your lips to supress your voice.
The sun shining glazed through the window onto my face,
My Eyes glisten in the light as your thumd underlies my eye.
You draw your finger around my lips ever-so tenderly,
Siting up I bite my lip and smile as you follow.
My hair covers the front of my unclothed body,
The velvet black sheets veil our lower bodies.
Blushing bashfully, looking down as my face luminates pink,
Touching my chin gently as you raise my head up.
Looking into my eyes deeply and kiss my tender lips softly,
My eyelids close slowly close, kissing your tender lips back.
You start to sensually rub my back calming me down,
Wrapping my arms securly, yet sensitively around your neck as we continue to kiss.
We pull each other close till our bodies are compressed against one another,
You stop kissing my lips and kiss slowly, sensually down my neck to my chest.
Kissing my tender breasts and caressing them with your free hand,
Then you enter your member into my womb and leave it there as you kiss me passionatly.
PIT IN DEATH
Darkness and fiends are on in the same,
lights and spirits within a glow.
Raining in sight and universal sleep,
a delicacy to the most fagile of creatures.
Inviting, tempting the unknown,
trying the most false of demons.
Raising a claw to the moment,
posoning even the most purified of spirits and gems.
Shreading light and it's energy into nothing,
that, that once was serene is now all in agony.
Crystal and sacred water is now dazing, bitter blood,
Dark crimson and velvet midnight black veil this world.
The things warm and soft become stone-cold and rough,
the multi-color dimentions within their eyes become eternal darkness.
What once was docile is now fearsome,
that which is fearsome become demented, a minion of hell.
This change from here on out will be recorded and retold,
the time when everything greatful was lost to dark souls.
the time when everything was forgotten,
The time when life became only a myth.
me
My mom is the best she took me to the most metal concerts between ages 12 to 16 no other mother can top that. If ur dad fuckin' sucks talk to me(mine did b4 he died and now he is as dead as he ever was when he was alive) gO LouISviLLe rocK!
A.Ferrito
Hi, please check www.purevolume/risingsunset , let us
know what you think and add to faves if you like the
music. Thnaks.
posted Jun 16
Zaion
Hey. We are ZAION If u want to listen our band, u can
do it in: www.purevolume.com/zaion Add us if u like
what you hear.
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posted Jan 22
forever 2 young 100
omg!! your a vampire too? wat kind of blood do you
drink?
posted Jan 11
: Qola :
Heya Vizamps, thanks heaps for adding [
cell 7 ]to your favs :o) U are made of awesome.
posted Jul 31
Ross Owns You
check out purevolume.com/cleareyedthreat and
purevolume.com/promisedlipsdontbudge become a fan and
leave a comment let us know what you think of both.
Thanks!!!
posted Jul 24
Gunes
Thank you very much for your comment!! You Rock! ;o)
posted May 25
Gunes
Thank you very much my friend ;o) Rock on! Gunes,
Velvet8ball
posted Mar 20