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MUSICMAKESMEBREATHE...
Sianni
Australia
erinandthelion
Kent, OH
natalie
United States
musicmakesmebreathe
Hastings, New Zealand
Every person has stories to tell. Some are better than others. some speak of the things that life gives, and some speak of things that are taken away. Though I am young in body, I hold wisdom beyond my years, and a story... starting in heaven and has since fallen to hell where I now walk, my feet burning, my body and mind tiring, and my heart bleeding, waiting...hoping for a door to open and free me. To walk in my shoes would show anyone exactly what they are taking for granted in their lives...and would constantly tell them that they shouldn't have. Having had so much, then losing it all has shown me that at least. Many people say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I disagree, for those who have experienced the joy of love and lose it, want it back. Those who have not ever felt how great and wondrous it is, have nothing to remember. They have no memories to haunt their dreams. A story can tell great things and teach valuable lessons. Mine is just beginning, but I see where it will end. Maybe I sound crazy, but I can see exactly what my future holds. I know how my story will end. I can see it when I look up at the clouds, and into the sunset. I can see it when I watch the leaves fall from the trees, and the rain from the sky. I see so much more than most people. I have another pair of eyes so to speak. I can see with my heart. Someday when my journey ends, I can tell people. I can tell how I broke out of my own prison, that I built with my own two hands, from my past decisions. How I escaped the falling sky of my old life, and found a new one.
Understand this above all else...see with your heart. You will see things the eyes cannot.
Ok so that may sound depressing, but I am not really. Yeah what I say is true about me, but if you can understand what I mean, you have something going for you. Now for some happier sounding things about me. :P
Ok so I love music. I think that music is more than just sound. I think that it has the power to do many things. It can make people feel a certain way and even act certain ways. I am really receptive to the vibes that music creates. Sometimes I can vision things when I listen to certain styles of music. I like most all styles of music. Now that I am going back to college again I am going to extend my collection to new heights. Now I just need to get a Zune or something...and more money :) Music is a very important thing in my life. Almost like air...music makes me breathe.
What I Want
Taylors is getting easier for me, but every day I grow more tiresome of working there. I can understand why they say that not a lot of people stay there for careers, at least in the production areas. I can say that this is the worst job I have ever had. I keep thinking about college and what I am really working for. It takes but a half second to renew my drive. I know what I want. I want to have a wife and kids, own my own house, have a family car, and just have a family and a wife who I know will be there when I get home. One who will love me like I know that I would love her...truly. I am willing to wait for the one I want. I am working my tail off at Taylors for the money to get into college, so I can work my tail off some more just to have the hope that maybe someday this dream of mine can come true. I guess that shows how bad I desire it. I mean, money from Taylors and a college degree can't get me a wife and kids, but they will help me be able to provide for them, if I do get them, and to be a good father and provider. I hate to see so many people who have a wife and kids and take it all for granted. Just an example, they may never spend time with their wife or kids, and yet they still stay with him. Why can't I have that, I mean, it seems the more I try to show that I am the kind of guy that will not ignore, abandon, be unfaithful, or anything related to that, the more I seem to lose?! WTF! Seriously why do so many jerks get that kind of opportunity and I can't. I can't understand why. I know that God has his reasons for things, but I would rather not lose the girl that I always wanted. I hope to show her as well as the people who do not have faith in me, what I am truly capable of. It kills me just to have to wait for the opportunity to show my true potential. Almost like a dog in a cage that just wants to show his owner how fast he can run.
I knew it...
I knew there would be something that would counteract my good fortune...Ashley and I aren't dating anymore. Well, so to speak, we are taking a "break" but still, if it is any different, it feels like we broke up. However, like with most things, I see a silver lining. I do a lot of thinking, about a lot of things. Many times I think and I realize something. Last night was no different as I wracked my brain about what went wrong. We argued sometimes, but nothing serious. She grew distant from me and it was frustrating. Why? Well, I figured out why. As you know a lot of things have happened to me in the past 2 years. Lifestyle changes, maturing changes, and great realizations about life in general. From what I gained I realized that I lost a very important thing. I lost myself. My own personality changed because of what happened in the past. I didn't realize until now how much it had. I have done things that I never thought I would do. I got really really drunk in a bar, I wanted to go hunting and fishing and go drinking and all that raced through my mind as I thought. I realized that I had become someone else. I was acting like a jerk when Ash and I argued and I never was like that before. I don't like hunting, and I like fishing but only sometimes. I don't like the feeling of being drunk. But yet I did all those things like I enjoyed them. I thought about when I was back in high school, and about who I was before I left there. I knew that I was truly myself then. The more I thought, the more I remembered how I was and the things that I did and didn't like. I found myself last night, and I have her to thank. I guess I needed it, it made me realize that it was not her being distant, or the arguing, it was me not being me.
Currently...until tomorrow
I was immediately accepted on a transfer, I could pay tuition out of pocket, and if I get a place down there I will have to pay even less. I can take 19 credits that will transfer. Holy crap! This is too good to be true. I thought about what could happen to counteract this good fortune. I thought about the worst things that could happen, like I get fired or get in an accident, or whatever. I was too happy to think about anything else for the moment. I ousted the bad thoughts from my head and celebrated my victory. I thought about what I would do when I get there, and I thought about how I was finally going to be the man I wanted to be. I knew that Ashley wanted the same kind of life that I did, so I knew that I was finally on my way to giving her that life. This brings me to today.
A New Hope...
I found a different job at Taylors again. I gave up my 12 hour swing shift at 9.75 per hour for an 8 hour day shift at 9.75 per hour. Taylors was closer, had raise opportunities, and benefits. I figured it would be a better job and I would save more money. Well, I was right about the money, but the job I would not wish on my worst enemy. I cut meat...might not seem to bad...but to put it simply, my job causes carpal tunnel and arthritis after a certain number of years doing it. My knuckles are bruised and my fingers are swollen from it. I hate my job. I really hate it. I never want to go in in the morning. I always want to leave every minute of every day I am there. But that is beside the point, and I know what I am working for and it keeps me going. I kept thinking about how I tried so hard to get back into college. I kept saying that I see now how I took it for granted, I really see it truly. I have had enough of this hell and I just want one more chance, almost like I was begging but not to anyone. I would give all I owned for it. I knew in my heart that I would never again take it for granted. If I only had one more chance. Now that I look back, I was still ignorant even as I thought those thoughts, as I went to one and only one college since high school and that was PCT. I wanted to go there, and only there. Days went by and as I started becoming more and more determined and a little desperate for a solution that would come by the Spring, I looked up Keystone, a college not far from me. Too expensive. My friend Jason suggested LCCC, since he went there, but I wanted to go to PCT. By this time I thought I deserved it. More days went by and I started growing weary of searching anywhere and everywhere for scholarships and grants, some of them drawings and essays, reaching out to the farthest limbs, wondering why someone would pay a kid 200 bucks to make a home movie, just to get money from anyone who would give it. No luck. Well I took Jason's advice and looked up LCCC. Tuition was jaw dropping low, the campus wasn't too far away, so I called.
31 days
I had about a month before school started. By the halfway point I had taken 2 trips to PCT in a car that had a failing transmission, spent countless hours online filling out forms and writing letters to administration, and scheduled many day trips to other places...like the library for example. After many past deadlines, late fees, and close calls later, I ended up getting reinstated and getting my Stafford loans back out. I felt pretty good about that as I was making the second trip home from the college. I still was about 5 to 6 grand short, but I figured that someone would loan it to me. I thought that things were finally getting better. Big mistake as usual. My car barely made it home. Then my grandmother had a stroke. Then I got yelled at for barely making it up to see her in the hospital, yet I have a job that has me work a 12 hour swing shift, a car that doesn't run right, and no family left really that are fit to take me or that can fit it in their schedule...my family all lives in or around Vestal, NY and I live in Stevensville, PA. So things went sour fast. Adding to that, I tried many different student loan applications and my father even cosigned for me on a couple, but I didn't get anything. Then I found out that my grandmother's stroke was in fact a brain tumor...more than one actually. Plus, she now disowned me for seeming to not care about her, (the tumors probably helped that decision) and started telling the whole family how much of a failure I was and said nothing but negative things to them about me. Long story short, many people believed her and some did not. I guess the point is that it was the worst thing to be happening when I really needed support in my life. I began to take every bad thing that happened to me and used it to fuel my drive and will to overcome. I filled out applications up until the day that school started for the fall. I sent in letters and emails, hoping that would give me an edge, or maybe impress someone. I exhausted every possibility and tried everything I could. The day that classes started I heard back from my final application and despite my father having very good credit, I was denied. A whole month that I spent trying to get in...and it failed. So much for hope, I would again have to wait.
natalie
hello how is the week treating you? ^-^ ps: I left
another photo comment on that same picture... you'll
enjoy it. ^-^
posted Jan 19
musicmakesmebreathe
lol nice. kinda random. serendipity?
posted Jan 05