PureVolume

3am rants on the internet? why not?

I’m constantly questioning life. I’m wondering why I am alive. What my purpose to be here is. Why everyone lives for the future, but can never focus on what is happening at the moment. like, right now, I’m listening to Andrew bird and writing this message, but mostly thinking about how amazing Andrew bird is and how much more amazing he is live. And how he is one of my musical influences because he is THAT amazing. And how I wish he was my friend, because he seems to have his life pretty figured out. I also wonder what will happen when I die. I have no clue whether or not there is an afterlife, and everything about me suddenly ending freaks me the fuck out. I wouldn't say I’m afraid of dying, I’m afraid of the effects of my death. I think about this constantly, and I don't know if it’s healthy. It probably isn't. I feel a little high right now, but that is probably because I haven't slept since Thursday night. I’m exhausted all the time and my mom doesn't believe me when I tell her I have a sleeping problem. I’ve been telling her almost everyday for 2 weeks, and nothing has happened. I’m probably going to end up stealing something or knocking myself unconscious just so I can fucking sleep. I need it. But I can't shut my brain off. It keeps running, sprinting in fact, to nowhere but back to its beginning. I keep thinking about what I just explained to you over and over, and how I wish I was ignorant, like a 7 year old kind of ignorant. Just care-free. Just having your only worry be if you can get to the swing set before the other kids get on them first. I wish life was like that again, so I wouldn't be so stressed out so much. And even if I say I don't want to think about the future, I do anyways, because for the past 10 years or so it has been drilled into my mind that the future is why I live. Why I bother to get an education. Why I bother to give a fuck. And in some perspectives, they are right. I don't really know who they are, but they're right. But what they don't see is that worrying and thinking and living for the future all of the time makes life go by too fast. It is the only thing you have, and to be thinking about what will happen close to its end from the beginning of it is just a waste of time. This ONE LIFE is the only thing you have, and you shouldn't waste it away thinking about what's going to happen next all of the time. You need to just stop, and enjoy the present. Enjoy the one song that's playing. I would give everything I have to just stop thinking about everything but this one song that is playing right now, and to just not care about anything else, or not have to care. I want to feel infinite. I want to be able to sleep without a nightmare. I want to be who I want to be. I want to learn whatever I want to learn, not what some shitty school system tells me I need to know, even though I will never use any of it in my life, and that I know for sure. I thank anyone who actually reads this.

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