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THEBLUEEYEDMODEL
My name is Alex Stewart, but you can call me Alex. I'm gonna list off some things you need to know about myself. I generally have an outcast complex. No matter how people see me, I almost never feel like I fit in because all my friends are sampled from different clicks, so when I'm around my friends' friends I feel awkward. I also feel like I'm so different than everybody else as well. I used to feel like I fit in, but that was so long ago that I don't even know how to feel that way anymore. This isn't a cry for pity. I'm used to it and almost like it. The truth is, I know that If I tried hard enough to fit in, I could, but I just don't care enough. Something that you'll quickly be able to find out about me without being told is that I love music. It's almost all I ever think about. Even when the focus is supposed to be on something else, if there is music I'll focus on that. I plan on being a music teacher someday, but I dream about learning enough about music in college to be able to drop teaching and make it as an Indie musician. I think all the time. People have told me that I think too much, and it's probably true, but as a result of how much I think I'm really insightful and wise beyond my years. I find myself looking down on alot of people because they go through life thinking so little about everything, but I'm also jealous of them because, as pompous as this sounds, they are blissfully unaware of so many harsh realities.
Though I've Lived I've Never Been Alive
Yesterday, I went to Six Flags in Chicago. It's wierd how the day that I absolutely can't be in town, all my friends simultaneously want to hang out with me. I'm probably going to have a busy day. I should, but chances are it'll all fall through like it always does. All I know is I'm supposed to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Matt today, and Ashley is supposed to come over to Matt's and watch it too. We'll see. Chicago was fun. I got very little sleep, so I had very little waiting in line energy. I did however, ride the Raging Bull twice. I took my camera on some of the rides I went on, and took pictures in motion. Some of them are pretty cool. I actually recorded the entire ride the second time I went on the Raging Bull. I was in the very front too. It's a good video. I got a terrible headache at the end of the day. It was so bad I almost threw up. I can't to see all my friends, but I have to work first.
Oh My Sweet Rapture! I Hear Jesus!
So that group of people who left for Myrtle Beach got back early today. That means I have all my friends again. Ciara called and we're cool again, and that has me real excited. She's supposed to come over some time tonight. I'm pumped. I actually had TWO dreams in one night the other night about Ciara not being mad at me. Two in one night! The first one we talked on the phone and is was just a normal scenario (except she said she cried alot about the idea of me being mad). The second dream I saw her in person in like this big marble mansion, and she came running to me and said everything was alright. What was strange about this one is that she started hugging me, and she was so excited she started kissing my cheek, but the main point is that it was really bugging me that she was mad at me. It bothered me so much that I dreamed about it twice in one night.
This friend of the family (mostly Nicholas) is here for the week. Her name is Angie Bear. She's fun. We went down to Pekin today and ate at C C's. I love that place. All I have to say about it is, "Maccaroni and Cheese Pizza."
There's always trouble so tell yourself help is on the way
Life is boring. I swear I'm not going to make it past thirty five because I will die of boredom by then. I don't know how people can find it rewarding for seventy years when I'm already so bored of it by seventeen. I really think that there's a chance that when I get old I will take up dangerous habits just so i can die early. I guess that would be suicide. I'm so lonely. For some reason, I NEED other people around me to feel worth anything. I've always wished things weren't like that. I've always wished that I could keep busy and happy alone, but I never have been able to. Right now, I'm really sad because I made Ciara mad at me at Cornerstone and I've tried to apologize and talk to her since, but she hasn't talked to me since she hung up on me. I really hope Portland is better than this place. I doubt I'll miss people when I get out there. I basically never miss people. Right now I miss Ciara, and wish I could talk to her, and, "No," I don't like her. She's just my friend and i'm really bent up about us being on bad terms. Hopefully I'll record a song or make a movie soon and I'll be on a happy
I Wrote a Four Word Letter
I went to cornerstone. I got a real haircut like a boy. I got mono again. I had a 102.5 degree fever and still went to cornerstone. I saw Anathallo. They were amazing! They made everything else look rightfully bad. I went to a session on a christian philosopher Kierkegaard. I learned alot. I've never learned so much about like at cornerstone before. I learned to hate hardcore music and all that it stands for. I hate Caleb Schlader even more than before cornerstone. I watched this bad punk band that was playing on the side of the road and thought about how they were just out there playing for the real spirit of fun and they weren't letting anything get them down. Hardcore is all about image image image. It's about being cool. About making fun of all the young kids who are exactly the way you used to be before you started listening to Haste the Day and He is Legend. I'm gonna try to give people more of a chance instead of just dismissing them if they're wearing a tie or a Simple Plan T-shirt. I'm tired of trying to be cool when i can enjoy life without the shallow "cool" people.
If I Could Shake It Like My Sister Kate...
Well basically all last week, I just sat around on the computer the Whole time. I went and saw the midnight debut of Superman Returns, but I feel like I was jipped because there was a ten O' clock showing of it before midnight. We didn't think that was legal, and it probably wasn't. It was a sweet movie though. I'm really glad about that too because I didn't want to be let down asd I am a big Smallville fan. I'm happy though because I have been really hard on movies lately. If there not better than ok, I hate them. Superman was very good. My favorite part was probably when he got shot in the eyeball. It was amazing! The bullet just bounced off. I guess when my Dad saw that he just said, "You know, I've always wondered." I also was up really late every night last week, so I'm basically sick now, and cornerstone's really close. Tuesday. I really hope I get better. I'm gonna cut my hair like a normal boy tomorrow. I'm sick of the long stuff. I'm gonna look so cute...whatever. Well that's basically it. Me and AC are like this now. There's other stuff, but I'd rather not talk about it on a public
