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Suicide Silence

Death Metal / Metal / Hardcore

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AIM: sissyboobear

check out my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/broknmannequin. add if you'd like, i would love that

My nickname is Lila. " i" as in pill, "a" as in butt.
Or you can just simply call me Mel. I like that as well.

Im extremely shy, and have been an introvert all my life. I think i've lost someone i really care about because of that; the way i am. My friend told me that pain is humbling. It's needed to fix flaws and make us stronger. And another reminded me that we only live once...I would like to believe i have done all that i possibly can in this world. That's why i am not going to give up. I may be a mute, and people may resent me for that, but i will try..to unstitch that thread...

I like those screams. with those pulses of sounds behind them. especially in breakdowns, or when the sounds become faint or slow, and that boi is screaming his heart out, expanding his lungs to the brink of explosion, and he probably doesnt care because it feels good to feel alive...fuckin beautiful...
things i used to do when i couldnt sleep...

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December 31

I did it again

I made myself feel alive even if it was just for a moment, when i saw that color of sunset... ...that beautiful sunset. too bad it didnt last. then i went back to being numb. I looked in the mirror, at that Weird Little Mute Thing. She didnt say anything..but looked just as confused as I. How can i fix her, If i myself am numb?...

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August 5

i feel numb again...

its like im here...i know im here...but..i dont know what to do or say or be...im surrounded by people..some of who perhaps want to hang around with me..and i feel alone. i feel...already abandoned before they have begun to speak, and i just..give up. give up before it even starts. i think its the whole concept of dissapointment. i know i will. so i freeze up. i am a mute..a mute a mute.

i dont know how to exist..

i want to exist...i just cant seem to find the buttons to make me move...the voice to make me talk...the...motivation to make my heart beat.

i need a hug...

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July 24

i dont wanna be alone anymore

...i want that comfort back.... that which i used to have... :(

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July 23

i think i have insomnia

i cant sleep most days. if i do go to sleep its only usually slightly before the rise of the sun, and for just a few hours before i have to get up for work. i find that when i do fall asleep, it is surrounded in the light. i wont go to sleep in darkness...by myself. maybe its that need/longing for that person next to me, idk. i feel so disoriented; ...like i am this thing being taken by a firm grasp and kocked about like hammer to the glass, and then tried to be put back together; each attempt is close, it will reflect..but it will never be...the perfect mirror again... i go from having no sleep to sleeping the entire day - sunrise to sunset - and then back to no sleep for days. these abnormal cycles occur out of nowhere...idk how to fix it.

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November 27

BOYFRIEND

i finally have a boyfriend!!!

Okay the weekend was so much fun. It was like the best week ever!
I went to Bambi's house for thanksgiving and met his family. they're sweethearts. . . well at least to my face. they seem really nice. anyway, they kept calling me Tony's Girlfriend. That was my name = )

N we held hands for the first time yaaay = ) = ) = )

On Saturday we went to Fresno to go see a ballet show: the Nutcracker. It was awesome.. He says he wants to go back next month to see it again. That day was the best ever. We went to the park in the night and talked in his truck in the parking lot. He officially asked me out and we cuddled the whole night. I told him he was my first boyfriend and the first boi I ever kissed. He told me he was gonna be a very good boyfriend to me.

I believe him. Hes the sweetest person Ive ever met.

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