PureVolume

Posted June 24, 2009

I've been needing to let something out that i've been thinking about lately and I want to tell you more than anything but I know that I won't be able to tell you so here is my blog post on pv about it and I know you probably wont read this but there is a chance you will so thats why I'm writing it.

Ughhhh where to begin... well pretty much i've been thinking about you a lot. Like A LOT a lot and idk, i just feel like i wanna love you again. Honestly, I don't think I ever stopped.. I think I just told myself that what you did to me hurt too much and that it was impossible for me to love someone who could do that to me. But I'm realizing I still do love you. At least i think thats what I'm feeling is. And it scares me to death cause i know you live so far away and you hate distance. But you keep saying you're coming down here and I keep getting this feeling of hope inside me and idk what to do with it. Cause i mean, I loved you and i've never in my life felt so amazing and I want to feel that feeling.. the way you make me feel, i want it back. There is only one problem, you crushed me into little itty bitty pieces. I know you know you hurt me but I am 99.9% sure you have no idea of the extent of what you did to me is. It's honestly not because you broke my heart when you said you couldn't handle the distance, I knew from day one you were scared about that, and I thought maybe that you'd be able to get over it but obviously you couldn't. That hurt, yes. But it hurt a hell of a lot less than when i found out you had been lying to me. I wanted to punch you in the neck when i found that out. After everything I told you about me, all the things I never told anyone but my best friend i told you and you knew how hurt i was and you still lied. It kind of makes me sick just thinking about it. I let you into my heart and I put more trust in you than i have anyone else in the entire world and the honest to god day after I started believing maybe it was all real, that maybe someone could actually love me and care about me and want to be with me you broke my heart. And then broke it even worse by lying to me and making me feel like even more an idiot for letting myself fall for you in in the first place. And after everything, all the lies and hurt and after me hurting myself so bad I don't hate you. I don't even dislike you. I tried to, oh god believe me I tried to but I just can't. I'm actually starting to fall for you again and I don't even know if its a bad idea. Idk what it is about you but you make me want to drop everything and just go be with you but I can't. and with my luck you'll actually read this and realize you feel the complete opposite for me but idk how to stop myself. I'm so confused and scared right now that i don't know what to do and I wish I could just talk to you about it but I can't. I think I was okay with everything until you said you wanted to come down here and I asked you why and you said you had nothing holding you back from doing so. Thats when I started thinking of it actually happening, and then I started thinking that i don't want to make it come true, what you're scared of. I didn't want you to come down here and me tell you I don't want you and it to have all been for nothing because I'd never want to hurt you like that. I'm pretty sure that was the point when I unintentionally started falling for you again. I think I knew that somewhere in me I still love you and there was some sort of hope that if you came down here you'd fall back in love with me and decide that you can get over how far it is until I can come be with you. Cause I would do it, I would do it in a second cause thats how much I care about you. And I can tell by the fact that I just started crying that it's true. I could be making a huge mistake by letting myself keep loving you but for some reason that I don't know I don't wanna stop. I don't want to let you go. All of this, it all scares the hell out of me cause i have no idea how you feel. I was the one who said i liked you first and I was the one who said I loved you first. And tonight, not too long ago I told you i liked you now and you didn't say anything about yourself which makes me feel like I'm just a game. And I must be pretty easy to play. I'm a mess and you're the only one who can fix it. I feel so alone cause I don't have anyone to say this to. All of my friends think I shouldn't talk to you and most of them hate you for what you did to me. So I'm just saying it here. The ball is in your court now and I'd really appreciate some answers for all of this. What i should do cause I have no idea. I think thats all I had to say. Maybe. Idk.