- Listener
STFUTHNX
Age: 16
Joined On: Jan 29, 2006
i am obsessed with the pool.
i think too much.
can you snowboard in kansas?
grrrrr.
i can get my permit tomorrow!!!! but i can't. because i haven't taken my classes yet :(.
but i can save people if they're drowning or having a stroke or get a laceration or a puncture wound or something like that and i can do cpr because i just got my lifeguarding certification and i'm so excited because work starts the 25th and then water polo starts... but i can't do swim this summer because i would have to get up at like 6.30, swim from 7 to 8:30 and then go to work at 8:45 at a pool all day until like five then eat really fast then go to polo practice from 7-9 then go home take a shower and then go to bed. and then get up in the morning and do it all over. so i cut out the swim, and it's a little better. i'm so excited i'm sooo going surfing this summerrr.... and guess what i'm listening to? surfer girl by home grown!!! :] you should listen it's rather hilarious. i wonder if anyone actually reads these. i don't. i just make them. and don't read my other two they're stupid. but it took me so long to type them that i really don't want to put all that time and energy to waste by deleting them. and this isn't exactly my greatest writing, either. but w/e. i want to be a writer when i grow up. for a fashion magazinee... or a music magazine... or some big magazine. or i want to be a surgeon. or a doctor in the ER. but something that has to do with medical. neonadle? (i'm not sure if that's how you spell it....) but yeah that sounds like fun. i DO like babies. so i'm growing my bangs out because i'm totally sick of them and they're overrated and if you don't have them, DON"T GET THEM unless you look incredibly disgusting without them. but if you look incredibly disgusting without them, i'm sure you'll look just pretty disgusting or disgusting or rather disgusting with them. so, it's up to you, i guess. wow my hair is long. i want to cut it short. or grow it long. i'm not sure yet. when you're in the chlorine all day long, it's much easier to have short hair. but i love it when its down and nice. because it's curlyyy. but being in the chlorine 24/7... trust me... it does MAJOR damage to your hair. so if you plan on becoming a swimmer or water polo player or just being in the pool all the time, CONDITION THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HAIR!!!!!!!! it makes it better. but you have to trim it a lot in order to make it nice. ok this is probably really boring to read so i'm going to go now. byeeee :]
p.s. leave me comments i'm nice i'll respond :]
the words of tonight
lyrics. music. sleep. water polo. swimming. excelling. writing. trusting. cell phone. music. devotion&desire. fun. smile. laugh. play. feel emotions. good day. pain. shoulders. eyes. makeup. hair. annoyance. great music. obsessions. arm muscles. unicorns. spiderman. prettier. friends. new friends. old friends. best friends. crazy nail polish. computers. shopping. fast food. eating healthy. exercising constantly. nice stomach. no fat. embarrassed. show-off. love. lust. romeo&juliet. or tim&jill. not doing homework. not caring. yellow chicken cause. std's. mr. blas. inadequate. ipod. itunes. new music. all time favorites. headphones. sterio. crazy loud bass. texting. sad. lost. writing. new songs. kissing. the smell of his skin. brushing teeth. the best hair. flossing. tanning. krissa. chelan. old friends. missing my old life. the lake. learning butterfly. king of the dock. steheiken. moe. local myth. grandma nina&josie andrede (rest in peace. i love you both). dying. student council. student store. nativity sweatshirt. brotha from anotha motha. screaming. from first to last. katelyn. bathrooms. inside jokes. our sign. car underwater. summer. drama. water polo introductions. water polo class. gettting a 29.7. less than a 1:07. numb toes. frustration. itchy nose. greasy pizza face. teddy bear friends. cookie dough late at night. summer nights. kicking at lakewood swim. rafe. homecoming. the football game. happy feet. frosh soph water polo tourney. kissing in the rain. "he came back". beach. birthday presents. late-night phone calls. phone taken away. long, 10-page letters. everythign to everyone and anything to anyone. "i've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. i've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. i've never lit a match with intent to start a fire. but recently the flames are getting out of control." do you need a ride home? gettting lost on purpose. blonde hair. blue eyes. missing you SO bad right now. break turns into break-up. greenbrier lane. christmastime in the 909. skater. sitting on the windowsill. my black sweatshirt. pepper. david. lake mead. thunderstorms. the hike. hikes up the hill&down the hill&to the lake. the loop. jumping off the rocks. riding my bike around the block. pillow fights w/grandma paula. lemondae stands. messed-up brownies. i still love you anyways. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. shame, shame. san diego. crying for no reason. biting nails. bun&cheese. tyler. justin&julian. bryan. josh. joey (in chelan). tipper. mat (engstrom). anthony. j.p. leighton. quinn. the goats. tooty. the volkkmans. rejection. jonathan. andrew. so many boys in and out of my ilfe. always a boy, come&go. i won't let this one go.
music. writing. thinking. tim... my life.
i don't understand
i just... don't understand things. like why am i such a bad kid? why do i do the things i do? is writing my only escape? is it just this temporary relief from reality (periodically interrupted by outbursts from her) that i resort to but never seem to finda anything from or get anything from? my writing has beginnings. it has ends. it seems as though this torment has no beginning, no end. the end might be the day i die. when is that day? is it near, or, hopefully, far? and if it is far, what happens between now and then? permanent torture from her, every day she is present in my life? even if she is not there in physical form, she is ever present in my mind, always making me question, always making me think and perhaps even helping me or pushing hard enough to the point where i make the wrong decision. maybe even though she wants me to make the right choice, and she thinks she is helping me make it, she hurts me and pushes me so hard that make the wrong one on purpose. maybe i do it becuase even if i ake the right one, i know that there will b something wrong with it. even somthing that seems so "black and white" as lying vs. telling the truthis a hard decision, and even thoughi know i should always tell the truth, something deep inside me terrifies me, so i lie. i lie about little things, huge things, things that matter greatly, and thigns of the tiniest importance. i don't understand why she makes me feel the way i feel. do the things i do. little things, like her taking away my cell phone just.. KILL me.. make me want to scream... maybe it's knowing that she can still take control of me combined with the desperate desire to take control of my life and of what seh does to me and how she makes me feel. i want to scream... to run away... for her to not be here, to never lay eyes on her haunting figure again. i almost want someone to find my writing. to know what i go through... every single day of my ongoing life. i feel trapped inside this body... like something is just dying to get out and i want so desperately to let it go but i have no idea what it is or how to set it free. i want her to cry. i want her to hurt. i want her to feel some of my pain. to give it to her as a special gift, send with true, pure, hatred. i want her to know what it's like to be treated this way... and then expect her to not do the things i do. so its my fault i feel this way. it's my fault that i feel this way. it's my fault that i have so much anger. its my fault i feel so stronly about everything, that my pen has only stopped when she's yelling so loudly these lies of hers, that i completely lose my train of thoughtand have to reread everything i've written. all these feelings are finally being put down in words that can't be lost or twisted or confused or forgotten. here they are, for everyone who cares to see, to read and comprehend and maybe to finally understand what a Hell i am going through. how can one person make her own flesh and blood have these feelings and thoguths and hurts and pains and disappointments and everything that is bad? how is it so possible? how have i never been able to write things down this clearly and this close to my feelings before? was i afraid, that someone would read them and really know about me? if someone knows all these things, if they read this, then they pretty much know me. like she said last night... me in a nutshell: liar, manipulator, wants to do what i want and to hell with everyone else, rude, bad child, hater.... if whoever reads this thinks i'm insane or something is wrong w/me maybe they're right... but that is the end of it for them... they read it, i'm crazy. endofstory. but if this makes someone cry... because its so deep and true... and so close to my heart... or they feel the exact same way about something... i want to talk to them. now that i have a good portion of the massive hurt and pain that i truly feel inside of me written down, what do i do? wher edo i turn for help? all i can think of is that the thing that makes me feel this way has to go. it has to be gone. if she weren't there, i would have no one to hate, no one to write like this about. i might b able to go one full week without cring because of her. maybe a full day being happy. i hate my mom. with all my soul and body and entire being.
now what?
Dog Eats Flesh Street Team
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posted Oct 25
AdamsFather
posted Sep 09
LeCock69
i havent been on this in like 6 years. how are you. i
miss youu
posted Sep 03
Officer*Jones
Thanks! Your pretty cute yourself.
posted Sep 02
badasswatson
Awesome,Me too... I wanna play water polo now!...
posted Aug 14