maybe its not me.
Posted March 21, 2008
Although I know that in the past I have prevented myself from being happy because I didn't feel I deserved it, that is not the case now. Though Im broken, and my self confidence is much lower then I put onto the world I am trying to see my self worth. And for once I'm letting myself be happy. But still i can't. Im doing everything I can to make my life and relationship all that I want it to be. Im accepting the bad and charishing the good yet im still not happy. And I dont think it's my fault. So what does that leave me to do. Nothing? Am I suppose to sit and pray things get better? Because God wont listen to me. Should i end thing? But deep down I think that would only hurt me. Should I pretend everything is okay and that Im happpy? Because I'll still fight these demons alone and long to be with someone who cares. I could try talking but that does no good because though I talk, I get no response except to let it go and forget about it. Well guess what. I can't forget about it. I need change. When we got back together you demanded everything from me. You made me change. And I did. You threatened me with our relationship if I went bad. But you obviously forget why we broke up. Because YOU drank to much and I can't live with that. Because YOU dont show me you care. Because YOU had no time for me but to much time for your friends. And I asked you to work on it. You said you'd try but NOTHING changed. You did get alittle better for a short time but its all back now. So once again Im put under the microscope and forced to be perfect for you, just like my parents, teachers, mentors and society. Well FUCK YOU ALL because Im not perfect and never will be. From now on I'm gonna be myself and Idfc what people think of me. Im tried of being everyones puppet. I dont deserve much but i definately dont deserve this. So I'll give you a final choice. Be careful what you choose. Do you want me, love, loyalty, and to actually change to be happy or do you want alcohol, misbehavior, and a life full of what ifs and nameless sluts? Im sorry that its come to this but I've tried everything else. You know that I love you and want to be with you, I've proven that. But is that what you want? Im not asking you to marry me or promise me we will be together forever because forever will never come and you can't keep a promise and well my heart just can't take anymore. Your actions don't just affect you, then affect me toom but you don't understand me anymore or maybe you never did but you are just a great pretender. Either way something has to change and I dont want to here you love me and you'll "try" because we both know thats bullshit to shut me up so you can be done with my..no our problems. If you dont want to work on a relationship or deal with one, then don't be in one. If your to busy to care about someone the way they deserve stop pulling them along. If your to selfish to give up something that only makes you feel good in the now but hurts your health and your girlfriend more then you'll ever know, then maybe this isn't your gig. And its time to move on to the next show. So what'll it be? song: together- avril lavigne mood: depressed :X
