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REVENGEAGAINSTYOURSELF
Age: 17
Joined On: Aug 24, 2006
Occupation: working at ciminero\'s banquet hall, school
Website: http://hs.facebook.com/profi...
I'm 17.
I love random things && people.
I'm all about having fun.
Music is everything for me.
I don't play any instruments but I would love to learn guitar
I also love dancing.
I have an obsession with penguins.
cause who doesn't just want to hug one all day long.
I love stars. I am fasinated with anything to do with them.
Right now I'm pretty busy with work, school, && all my clubs && what not.
As for how I look I would say I'm average
but i guess you have to judge for yourself.
I was voted prettiest eyes in 8th grade.
People say I look like Avril Lavigne. (i don't see it).
I'm very different from most girls.
I work on cars && am a reali big perv.
I love riding my four wheeler && mud wrestling.
People think i'm crazy but that just makes me more interesting.
I like being me (most of the time. lol.)
I'm in no way fake && sometimes that hurts people's feelings.
I speak my mind A LOT! && if you don't like it, well to bad.
I realized that losing friends hurts but if you stay true to yourself and put yourself out there new, better friends will find you.
I'm SINGLE
day two [numbness]
maybe we should have kept our mouths shut. because now it seems i'm not being push i reali want to run away. away from the fights, the drama, and the pain. i want to hide alone and cry. i thought that something had clicked. maybe a change was gonna happen this time but i was wrong. you put me down and blame me. well whatever. i dont care anymore. love is not supposed to be this hard, or painful. all i wanted was alittle affection. but like you said i always ask to much of you. i'm sorry i couldn't be perfect, thats just not me. i dont have much to say today except my feelings are numb. i put them on ice and locked them away so that they dont hurt anymore. i'm just pretending like it never happened going back to being 14 again. except this time im not ruining lives and the queen of fights. im just sitting back and watching everyone eat each other and laughing. Songs: none mood: wishing i had time to buy the truth about forever by sarah dessen. [so i can hide behind a book]
day one [God send me an angel]
well its my first day alone again..i have cried aprox. four times so far, thankfully not in school but after. last night i was okay until i turned on my radio just in time for the long distance nighty nights at the end of open house party.hearing people wishing their loved ones and best friends goodnight and saying how they loved them and couldn't wait to see them reali got to me. i dont know if i will ever see him again or if things will be the same. im just coming to understand alittle about what happened friday night and all the factors that ended things. its all been building up, everything i was forced to push back. i warned him. i tried to make things right so manytimes but im only one person and i can't have a relationship by myself. i need to know im loved, and that i actually mean something. i couldn't keep feeling like i was just there. that with or without me things were gonna be the same. its hard to have so many people around you but no one whose there. this isn't the first time im alone in life and im sure it won't be my last. i wish he could have understood it didn't have to be this way. i didn't want to go through this again. now as i sit here alone everything so final. in a perfect world hed realize what is going on and actually give a fuck and do whatever he could to get my back. if he loved me thats what hed do. i dont want to be alone but i cant force myself to be unhappy so that someone is beside me. anyone can "be there" but it takes alot more then just saying you'll be there to actually be there. i shouldn't turn the balme on someone else though because it comes down to the reality that if i was enough then he would have treated me better and wanted me in his life. and done anything to make that happen. hmm. lets find the bright side. at least he didn't cheat on me, as far as i know, though im still not to sure about spending the night at "leeda's?" house. i mean if she was that important i would have heard about her sometime in the past year and a half. i guess it doesnt matter now. now all i want is an angel to make the pain go away. but God hates me too so im pretty much just screwed. song/s: God send me angel by amanda perez Better then me by hinder With a broken wing by martina mcbride mood: depressed/crushed/alone
maybe its not me.
Although I know that in the past I have prevented myself from being happy because I didn't feel I deserved it, that is not the case now. Though Im broken, and my self confidence is much lower then I put onto the world I am trying to see my self worth. And for once I'm letting myself be happy. But still i can't. Im doing everything I can to make my life and relationship all that I want it to be. Im accepting the bad and charishing the good yet im still not happy. And I dont think it's my fault. So what does that leave me to do. Nothing? Am I suppose to sit and pray things get better? Because God wont listen to me. Should i end thing? But deep down I think that would only hurt me. Should I pretend everything is okay and that Im happpy? Because I'll still fight these demons alone and long to be with someone who cares. I could try talking but that does no good because though I talk, I get no response except to let it go and forget about it. Well guess what. I can't forget about it. I need change. When we got back together you demanded everything from me. You made me change. And I did. You threatened me with our relationship if I went bad. But you obviously forget why we broke up. Because YOU drank to much and I can't live with that. Because YOU dont show me you care. Because YOU had no time for me but to much time for your friends. And I asked you to work on it. You said you'd try but NOTHING changed. You did get alittle better for a short time but its all back now. So once again Im put under the microscope and forced to be perfect for you, just like my parents, teachers, mentors and society. Well FUCK YOU ALL because Im not perfect and never will be. From now on I'm gonna be myself and Idfc what people think of me. Im tried of being everyones puppet. I dont deserve much but i definately dont deserve this. So I'll give you a final choice. Be careful what you choose. Do you want me, love, loyalty, and to actually change to be happy or do you want alcohol, misbehavior, and a life full of what ifs and nameless sluts? Im sorry that its come to this but I've tried everything else. You know that I love you and want to be with you, I've proven that. But is that what you want? Im not asking you to marry me or promise me we will be together forever because forever will never come and you can't keep a promise and well my heart just can't take anymore. Your actions don't just affect you, then affect me toom but you don't understand me anymore or maybe you never did but you are just a great pretender. Either way something has to change and I dont want to here you love me and you'll "try" because we both know thats bullshit to shut me up so you can be done with my..no our problems. If you dont want to work on a relationship or deal with one, then don't be in one. If your to busy to care about someone the way they deserve stop pulling them along. If your to selfish to give up something that only makes you feel good in the now but hurts your health and your girlfriend more then you'll ever know, then maybe this isn't your gig. And its time to move on to the next show. So what'll it be? song: together- avril lavigne mood: depressed :X
I do, dont I?
In the past weeks the issue of committment or the level of it has been a big part of my life. Not just in my relationship but in my friends relationships also. For example a close friend of mines seemingly perfect relationship ended over the definition of committment. Her definition to say the least was different then his. He thought sexual acts and spending money would unite them, she believed that those act and money meant nothing if there wasn't feelings behind them and ultimately chose to wait on the sexual things till marriage and not let the pressure of an older boyfriend, and her feelings cloud her judgement and I am so proud of her decision to end things. My personal experience go alittle further back but has become more relevent in the recent days. I do not feel a ring or any material thing can bind you to a person, but i do feel that its okay to get a ring or something for a significant other as a symbol. So in the mist of my relationship troubles I began thinking about getting a simple band for my boyfriend of 9 months. Yeah it sounds alittle crazy but he started as my best friend and i have loved him for a lot longer then 9 months and I'd never do anything to hurt him. In the past though I have been hurt by guys I trusted and thought would be committed to me. In the end I lost two people I reali cared abot because of the lack of control and committment they had, simply put they cheated on me. Since then trust is something I have to work hard to do and even when I believe I can trust someone I will doubt them repeatedly because I think it will help me to cope if I can say I seen it coming. To be honest, it won't. So my thoughts of this ring became reality a few days ago. I had been saving up for months while my work was slow to make sure I could pay my car payment, cell phone bill and so on. When work started picking up and I won 3rd place in a volunteer award and was presented with a check for $200 I decided now I had the extra cash to get the ring. I found a site and even had our names and anniversary envaged on it. I gave it to him monday. I can't honestly say I was happy with his reaction of setting it on his table and forgetting about it. I was hoping he would appreciate the meaning of it because that kind of thing is hard for me to do. To open myself up for judgement and maybe pain. Well I did get a little hurt but I try not to think about it. Today as I lay alone watching a show about britney Spear's childhood and marriages and wait for my favorite reality show Big Brother: Til Death Do Us Part to come on, I wondered back to the thought of committment. So I txted my boyfriend and asked if he was presented with the chance to get married now would he? I wasn't reali surprised when he said no because I wouldn't marry either but his reasoning was more or less that he wanted to worry about him and his life and no one else that kinda hurt. When he asked me back I answered that I wouldn't get married but would get engaged. I would not get married because I would not want to put a finanical burden on my boyfriend or myself and that I would want him to follow his career goals and not hinder those in anyway. And though he "says" he wore his ring today Im not sure he did since he didn't feel the need to when we were together or yesterday. Iut the ring and how much I spent on it, its about what the ring means to me. Its a promise of loyalty, love and friendship and the promise to charish those together. His not wearing it and not respecting or appreciating it shows me that he isn't as committed to me as he tries to put on. Only time will tell. Well Im sure he will read this and then be pissed at me so I think thats enough for now. song: psycho- puddle of mudd mood: blue :[
dickhead.
"Dickhead"
Kate Nash
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
Shiny floor, slippery feet
Lights are dim, my eyes can't meet
The reflection that turns my images
Upside down so I can't see
Think you know everything
You really don't know nothing
I wish that you were more intelligent
So you could see that what you are doing
Is so shitty, to me
Thirty five
People couldn't count
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead,
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead,
Why you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
Stop, now don't show
Just have a think before you
Will you, stop, now don't show
Just have a think before you
Will you stop, no don't show
Just have a think before you
Will you stop, don't show
Will you just have a think before you
My brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore
No my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore
No my brain and my bones don't want to take with this anymore
No my brain and my bones don't want to take, this anymore, so
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for
You're just fucking up situations
shes got stars in her eyes
i think we have a lot to talk about. but i love you too
lol, i missed you =]] I really appreciated you talking
to me in study hall the other day, you cheered me up...
i needed that. Thank you.
posted Mar 08
shes got stars in her eyes
so u know, those pics are up. i dont think u know
that... oops! =]
posted Mar 07
Martyrdom isnt Suicide
wtf babe? you can't leave me any comments anymore?
posted Feb 24
~GREENDAYCHICK12~
hey i have a new purevolume:
www.purevolume.com/listeners/emo_xnightmare_x
posted Jan 09
footballrocker41
hey haven\'t talked 2 u in 4 ever so wht\'s new?
posted Jan 07
znolen17
so.....which section did my reply to your survey fit
into?..lol
posted Jan 04
~GREENDAYCHICK12~
hey havnt talked to you in a while. wats been up?
posted Dec 17
znolen17
hey dork....haha kidding how are ya?...been a long
time anyways i guess i will ttyl
posted Dec 05