This Feeling
Posted July 3, 2006
*sighs* I hate this. I really do. There is this feeling that is in me that is familiar yet different. Idk how else to describe it. A feeling that is so familiar and i dont like it at all. I hate it, but i crave it at the same time; a warped thinking if you ask me. That's how I think though. My parents say that my thinking makes no sense. Well somethin that makes sense to one person can make perfect sense to the other. *sighs*
Today was the day Jim Morrison died. A brilliant man. He is my jesus. A person who was invincible to all. A person who thought beyond. Beyond time, beyond men, beyond the mind.
I feel/felt so helpless today. My mother makin decides for me. She took control of my tongue. And all the while all i could hear was Casey's voice in my head. A couple nights ago she got really upset with how i let ppl. (my parents) step all over me. That night i got real scared. I felt like i couldn't stand up for "us". I felt like i let her down. I feel like she doesnt deserve someone who can't stand up for herself because I'm scared shit-less. So when my mother did what she did today, i felt that wave of fear that Casey will be angry again. I kno she's not angry with me personally, just that my parents walk all over and that I dont stand up for myself. I felt like seriously takin my life today. I was driving with my mother in the car, my hands were gripping the stearing wheel and i so wanted to turn into Moose Pond. I couldn't do it. I saw my friend today who could of given all the drugs in the world. I didnt ask for any. It's been a tough day. And now I'm here, at home, on the computer, when i should be out with my friends watching the fireworks, but instead i live here as a prisoner. I just want to be held and to cry. I haven't cried in so long. so long. It's just sitting there like a heavy burden, on my shoulders and in my heart. My parents have made me ashamed to cry. I just want to be loved, held and to cry.
