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mistress of the damned

empty words, soft spoken, fall right past your lips
with a mouth full of vulgar and your perfect jutting hips
eyes of deception and lies of seduction
your a fiend of the worst, a vampire for the whores
with their blood you take their dreams
the foolish fall to their knees
and lay thier heart at your feet only begging for more
of a love that you dont have
the ice creeps up around thier throats
but they dont even know
as you kill them you take their soul
your a mistress in red
with a heartfull of death

honey, the way you walk in those stilettos
your the perfection of damnation
and every word you say
writhes like vines grasping at my wrists
but your thorns cant catch what isnt yours
i'll have to ask you to leave
and take all your whores
because this soul of mine will never be yours
your the definition of a fiend

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home sick (edited)

i never had a home. never one house nor one family to claim as my own. Even when i was adopted, the only acceptable place i'd really been, i couldnt be happy, i didnt want to call it home.
For years, home was just a house and the people passing through it. I had not a family that i could truely treasure. Only my sister, not even my beloved brothers. I was alone living in a world where home was a word with useless meaning. just like love had been overused, abused, and thrown around only to lay abondoned. i had been living in a hell where i was left to take on the world by myself. but i was weak. the sickness that i call depression got the best of me. it was like a plague coursing through my viens. I only wished for some "Hero" to come save me and take me away. but hero's are in fairy tales and lies. Even real world hero's are hypocrites, just like those christians. their false righteousness could spill like blood over the floor and stain the walls of every church. and every name that had spoken of salvation was dead not only to the world around me but to my very being. that was until i found myself. i looked into a mirror at a gaunt face. it was not a girl staring back at me but a fiend of death. black poured from her eyes and wrapped around my throat. i knew i would die if i did not find hope. and i searched and searched for years. i never found anything. except what i had inside of me. i found my truth and drank in knowledge. starvation had depleted me to almost nothing and this. this i desperately needed. i filled myself with all that i could find. i fought death and battled with those demons inside of me. life was viewed as endless hopeless unfulfilled purpose. and that statement i would defy with my life in every way i could. i would fight to breathe and find my purpose. i would find hope. i would find truth. and i would live.
this summer was different. this summer i found my "home."
it wanst a house nor a place at all. but it was where i found my comfort, my security. it was where i found hope. it was where i found true happiness. it was the ones i loved. A home without the limits of walls or a floor. it was those hearts that mattered the most. it was the lives that enriched my own. it was pouring my whole heart out and seeing theirs lain barren in my hands. It was love. it was trust. Not restricted to family or even friends. it was everybody and everything. it was life and living it to its fullest. it was being helped up every time the world got us down. it was helping others up without looking down. it was more real than the rest of the world around us. it was all of me. it was all of them. it was every second of our lives that we spent together. It was a punch in the face of realization. it was taking off our masks and knowing that we would never hold it against each other. it was being real and being ourselves. it was fighting for the first time for something more than "me." It was the very beat of our hearts falling in to one and reaching out to something that became more real with every step closer. It was hope. It was inspiration. It was the best summer of our lives. it was holding onto the only hope that we had left when all we had was each other. It was staying up late and waking up early. it was the smile that we knew was true. it was laughter. it was fun. it was the tears that we caught for each other. it was the adventure that we'd never forget. It was the hardest goodbye of our lives. It's living every day now for the only home i've ever had. and its missing them everyday. Everything and all we had. its the heartbreak that we have to face now that summer is over. its going back to our lives and facing each day. its crying in the night for the ones that i loved so much. its the constant memory of every face and every name of all the lives that we touched. Its holding onto all the moments that we shared. its every part of me. their laughter and smiles and tears and pain. Everything they were and are is running through my viens. Every breath i take i will breathe for them. and every day i live for them will be the next best day of my life. it was the only "home" i've ever known.
and for many of them. it may be the only one they'll ever have...

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Ash.
she's been my bestest friend in the wholest widest world since we met in the third grade. we have amazingly vibrant personalities. but there's no compare when you get us both together. we used to do so much. we had the most ooberly good times. there's so many memories. she basically meant the world to me. she moved away in middle school. and when she came back in high school we had both changed quite considerably. and most of the times thats a hinderance in a relationship. but not ours. it made it all the more rich with new adventures and a new spark in who we were. together we were inseperable. apart. we'll never be able to let go of each other. we may live 1000+ miles apart. but ten years from now she'll still be the best friend i ever had. she's my soul sister. she made me complete. and forever she'll be a part of me.

sniffing pixie stix. dancing in the rain. crying late at night. singing in the shower. and dancing in our uncerwear. blowing bubbles. walking the streets late at night. sharing clothes. "our" belt. daft punk. your still short i promise. living in that basement. your little hampster. and your animal loving nature. laughing uncontrollably for hours. ED! and jimmy. haha. steve-o. yesum i'll always know your beautiful. we are the ying yang. we were meant to be best friends forever. just those little presents we get each other. your crazy fun red hair. oh the fashion sense. PEANUT BUTTER and CHOCOLATE.
oooo. icecream. pestering daddy. haha Jerimiah. remember when we used to raid steven's room. and those halarious mischellaneous items we found.

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exerpt of reality

A girl walks into a room. The door swings shut behind her. She does not turn. She knows what is coming. But inside she sings a song so she doesnt have to listen to what her sister is screaming. Next comes the beating. Finally she leaves her...she leaves her there to bleed. As she slips in and out of consciousness she prays with tears streaming down her face. "God please be with my sister...I love her...how will I ever be able to show it to her...oh god...I love her...my sister...it was all my fault...i love her..."

She got made fun of today. For the bruises on her face. Her story was she hit her head when she tripped down the stairs. She wore baggy clothes to hide the pain. She was sore...but she went through her day. She wanted to cry but instead she looked away. Her thoughts were empty as she played through the motions. She did it almost everyday. She was only in sixth grade. She could fake a smile anytime. Drained and hollow, she felt empty...but anyone could be hyper, and so she was. She drew her pictures...her nightmares. Sports made everything better. She could get out her anger. But she didnt want to hurt people like she was hurt. She never wanted to see anyone go through that. But it was all she had ever known. She listened to lots of music. She liked to sing to play to laugh...she liked to just be a kid. Finally basketball pratice was over. She sat waiting patiently. when her mom pulled up she hopped in the car.

She smiled and told about practice but Dorcus didnt seem happy. She never was. Thats why she hated to call her mom. She prefered her old last name...Montoya. Yes to be called by the name of a father she didnt have to deal with would be better than to be called by the name of a woman who she never wanted to live with in the first place. Here went the yelling. She would get home and hear even more. It was always the same. Always so typical to her. She'd sit in her room and read. She would finish her homework and work out till she was too tired to be mad. then she would turn out all the lights and open her window. Her favorite part of the day. She would look to the stars and pray. spend hours with just her and god...music playing in the background. A little peace in it all. She loved her sister because she knew her sister loved her. She loved her brothers even though they couldnt be with her. She loved Cochise and Joey because they were hers...for what it was worth.

But she went out to grab a bite to eat before she slipped into bed. Joey was mad...again. He said she got him into trouble. And then again he beat her...but she could not fight back...it was her brother...tonight there was no one to save her... unless cheesy could hear her. She screamed... and when it seemed hopeless Cochise and Dorcus and Sister ripped him off. They saved her...

She was safe until tomorrow. But tomorrow would be the same. Tomorrow was always the same. But maybe something would change. Maybe they would figure out how much she loved them. Maybe they wouldnt beat her. Maybe just maybe tomorrow would be different...

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Dont hold back now

Breathe In, Breathe out
Take this breath in deep
and for the first time know how much it means
Know that theres more than you and me
Sit back and watch the sunrise
Our first breath of the begining
Never look back with regret
Look forward to what is next
Hold my hand a little tighter
This might hurt a little bit
The first step of all of this
Just hold on dont forget
What I said and all it meant

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