PureVolume

my thought process summed up in one thought.

1:23am. perfect isn't good enough.

my horoscope for the day:
forget about opposites attracting today, thats only for magnets. the people around you want to connect with you on common ground. share the part of you thats just like them. This is a time for you to speak out about your thoughts or concerns regarding your work or professional matters. Communication with your superiors or with people in authority who are in a position to consider and act on your ideas comes to the fore now. It is easy for you to talk about your feelings now, and also to listen sensitively to not only what others are saying but also what they are feeling. This is an excellent time to discuss your feelings and clear the air on any grievances you may be holding on to from the past.

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i hate society.

10:41pm. really. i do. morals, ethics, values. oh yeah our fabulous democracy has been upholding what our alleged forefathers instilled. racism? child pornography? animal abuse? these things are just as predominant in society today as southern baptists who believe dancing is a sin and orthodox jews who can't flip light switches on the weekends. so what are these values we should be upholding? people are looked down upon for having tattoos and piercings, baggy pants and gold chains, rainbows and glowsticks. TIMES CHANGE. why doesn't it seem like anyone remembers when disco and rock and roll were outlandish? why are people looked down upon for dressing "provocativly"? certain jobs are looked at as inferior or sleazy. how exciting would your bachlor and bachlorette parties be if there were no strippers? "fast food" (which this country apparently thrives on) would become obsolete and those who like to super-size wouldn't be able to eat in their cars without those individuals who have to sit in tiny windows repeating your order over a fuzzy two-way radio. children run away from home, develop eating disorders, become addicts and alcoholics as a result of how they were raised. people always say children are our future. well how are you treating your future? shoving predecided goals and careers down their throats, as they choke and gasp and can't get a word in edge-wise, to explain that having unrealistic expectations and the intense pressures of fulfilling everything you could never be are just too much?

the final result? the constant search for something to ease the pain. to block out the emotion. to relieve the stress. an outlet to fill that black hole that eats them up constantly.

morals, ethics, values. i laugh. everyone needs a chance to find their own. guidance and advice, not judgement and conviction.

but i guess, i can only speak from my own experience. end rant.

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it burns like irony.

10:47pm. its often that i feel lonely. ironic, really, cause i hit the decline button on my phone when people call. and i'm surrounded by my family often. and i really don't have a hard time making friends. and theres always someone on facebook thats up for a convo. however, as alone as i feel, i'd rather suffer through it and visually force feed myself disney channel to keep my mind occupied than talk or listen to someone's mundane chatter. it hasn't always been this way. i think my tolerance for people is just getting lower. rude and selfish, i know. but i tend to like people more in small doses. don't get me wrong, its nice when others enjoy my company, and by no means am i introverted. some would probably label me as a social butterfly. but as times drags on its apparent that less and less do i find joy in listening to a play by play of someone so self-absorbed that spongebob himself wouldn't be able to compete, much less brief superficial social interactions. for me, it boils down to: if nothing changes, nothing changes. mind blowingly surprising to myself and those few close people around me i have actually matured. the girl who never had a childhood, so when presented with an inch took 100 miles. there has never been a better definition of "balls to the wall". so as i mature, i'm changing. i see others around me doing the same things and getting the same results. the things that used to humor me don't. the way i thought my life had to be is no more. i have a choice of how i want to live. its just strange when you start to grow-up and no one else does. you almost feel like you're not susposed to be. i talked to a good friend today, a girl i love more than the world, that i haven't seen in a while. she's in the same place as i am, surrounded by those who depict the lifestyle that was. to some that might be a temptation, to others an alienation. your thoughts create your reality. perception is so powerful. i used to be so afraid of change. i didn't know what was on the outside of the cocoon of drug-induced psychosis that i inhabited. but i was miserable. and i thought i had no choice. another option? not even a fleeting thought. when the pain to stay the same is greater than the pain to change, you do. and that's when i took that chance, that leap of faith if you will. faith in what? at that point, i didn't know. its like when you hope for the best and prepare for the worst. guess what? i'm okay. my problems now are confined to avoiding people who just aren't on the same wave-length as me anymore, as opposed to finding my car when i wake up under a bridge in a city i don't know. and even though i don't have as many things in common with these people anymore, maybe i can still learn something from them. someone once told me, "having things in common doesn't make a relationship". although i'm sure that relates much more to people who are romantically involved, it still stands true for friendships. so i guess the conclusion i've come to now that i've rambled aimlessly is that being lonely can 1)make me appreciate how i've changed, and 2)help me to not totally exclude people from my life because at first glance i don't think we can benefit from each other.

ahh, perhaps this is all just a test of patience and tolerance.

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well here i am, once again.

12:58am. let me start off by saying that i like astrology alot, and i really believe that it gives me such a great insight into myself. however, i sometimes feel like i'm blaming behaviors on that or looking at star signs as a cop out for my antics. is this valid? this is the part where i argue with myself continuously only to come to the conclusion that i dont know what i think. now for any of you who know anything about the zodiac, i'm a gemini. so this only makes perfect sense. but does one not have control over ones mind? mind over matter, they say. there are monks and buddists in other countries that can set their hands on fire and lie on beds of nails and emerge without any physical harm. this in itself should be tangible proof that with intense dedication and training you could transcend all limitations that you put on your own mind. anyways, back to my dilemma. i find myself being back and forth on a number of things continuously throughout the day. why is that a problem you might ask? i suppose if i can keep my mouth shut for two goddamn minutes its not. oddly enough, giving auditory hernias happens to be my speciality. so here we find phase two of my problem. and its not that i mind expressing my problems to others, or asking for any sort of advice. its the rapid rate that my mood and perspectives change that i cant seem to rein in. so generally i come across as flighty, shallow, even crass. again, not that theres anything "wrong" or "bad" about those personality traits. my final daily obstacle, and the biggest hurdle in my mind, is that when talking so quickly that i sound like alvin and the chipmunks, and jumping from subject to subject so rapidly it would resemble a cheetah having a seizure, people in my life i really care about are put off by me. or at least thats the impression i get. and its not everyone i come across. on the contrary actually... its only like 3 people that i get this way around. people who have known me forever, at my worst and, well, at what could be percieved as my best so far. and its probably totally my perception that they are judging me, and expecting me to be a certain way. you know what it all comes down to? just that i'm so utterly terrified that the person i value and adore above all else will just abandon me. full circle. i've heard that too many times. be emotionally vacant, and you will in time recieve emotionally vacancy from another. this is when my pessimism [and yet again gemini qualities] kick in and i tell myself that this is why i never invest too much emotion into one person... because it just hurts too much. but as to not end this on a negative note, lets flip the coin. heads up? its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

...and that my friends, i could create into a whole other agumentative blog entry lol.

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