PureVolume

Life through my eyes...

I'm constantly running back and forth between home and the hospital to take care of my grandma. This has been going on for almost a week now. Not fun. The nurses make me do their job whenever they see me, and I can't handle it because I just...well...let's just say I could never be a nurse. My mom refuses to go take care of her because she hates my mom and my dad works all day, so the task of taking care of her has fallen upon me. Now, I don't mind too much, it's just depressing and difficult to see her lying in bed all day wishing she was dead. She's so independent and loves life, and here I am, watching this woman who I love relying desperately on the help of others and wishing that she was dead because she just can't take the pain anymore. She's not doing too good. She has an infection in her stomach, is anemic, and losing a lot of blood somewhere, but they just can't pin point it. On top of that, she has a low white blood cell count. It worries me that she has leukemia. I've already lost a loved one to the dreaded cancer...I don't know if I can stand to lose my grandma the same way. She's always dizzy, out of breath, and has continuous headaches, and now her spirit is down. She doesn't even want sweets, which she usually eats eventhough she's not supposed to have them. It's just really getting me down. I just broke down tonight because I thought I might lose her. Yes, she gets on my nerves at times, but I really do love her. She's lived with us since I was five. To have her not here anymore is just weird and too hard to handle. I'm dreading that she's not going to make it out of the hospital this time...and it kills me. And if she does get to come home, my parents are more than likely going to put her in a convalescent home because I'll be at college and both of my parents have to work, leaving no one available to take care of her. The thought of it kills me, but we just can't take care of her anymore. I hate it! I hate this feeling! I've lost a lot of family already, but I didn't really know any of them too well. But my grandma...I don't know how or if I can even handle it...

That's my biggest problem right now. I do have other miniscule problems, though. For one, the stupid whore is telling all her "friends" that I and all of my friends are off limits and if they talk to me or any of my friends, she won't talk to them and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Let her be stupid and immature. Personally, I view it as a war between us. If my friends hate her, good. If they love her, I might think they're blind, but hey, it's there life. I don't care. Also, I really care for someone though I know it will never happen. I'm moving and they're joining the military. I just wish I could just ...I don't know... Oh well. "Love" is a bitch. Oh, and stupid guy has decided I'm not worth even a small hi. Whatever. Like I said, all miniscule and insignificant problems. Life goes on. I'm off to college where I can have fun and make something of myself.

My only wish for now is that my grandma gets better. I love her dearly and I don't know how I'll handle my life without her in it. I went into her room today and looked at all her photographs. Made me cry even more. *sigh* I just wish there was something I could do to make her feel better and have her come home sooner.

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