- Listener
NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL SHOCK ME
Age: 19
Location: MINNESOTA
Joined On: Feb 26, 2006
i like helping people,
and i like making people smile.
but i can't say that i don't fail at doing so most of the time.
my life is confusing...as is everyone else's.
one day i can't stop smiling, and the next i can't stop the tears from falling.
...but what should i expect? i'm human.
i know that i have a purpose on this earth,
and i will fulfill it.
however sometimes i can't help but wonder if i'm truly capable...
i've had love, and lost it.
and my heart has been broken more times than i'd like to admit.
but i think i'm content being on my own right now...then again, i miss him more than my words could ever express.
i know who i am, i know my values, and i have a strong set or morals.
but everything is constantly changing.
i'm finding out new things about myself every day.
some of my values have died down, and some have been more emphasized.
and i'd be lying if i said i haven't altered my morals a bit over the years.
...so basically, i'm a walking contradiction.
still want to get to know me?
you're in for a treat.
all i can do is keep breathing...
is it possible that i feel too much?
human beings are intriguing. how is it that we have the capacity to love someone and can simultaneously have the power to break them down in a heartbeat? i'm amazed and terrified by this action. i remember now why i detached myself. oh well, i guess i'm fucked now.i haven't heeded my own advice.
is the joy one feels worth the imminent disaster?
is disaster always imminent?
how willing are people to risk themselves time and time again to test those waters?
to love someone is always taking a risk.
you open yourself up...you make yourself vulnerable.
you find one person with whom you share things about yourself that you've shared with no other person.
you expose yourself completely..you allow yourself to let your guard down..you hide nothing, and share everything.
i've heard it said so many times that one should invest in their friendships more than relationships with the opposite sex because guys/girls will come and go, but friends last forever.
so if all relationships are doomed for failure, is it really worth it to invest so much of yourself in one person..only to end up hurt??
yes, relationships are lovely at first. the feeling is so inexplainable. you float on a constant cloud nine, and never have to search for a silver lining because it is always clear and apparent.
there is no greater high than to love someone and to have them love you in return.
but once it's over, the hurt is nearly unbearable. you are swarmed with thoughts of that person, what you had with them, and what might have been if things had continued. It is a suffocating sensation that is impossible to escape. you can't help but wonder what you did wrong, or what you could have done differently.
trust me, i've been there.
more than once.
...and no matter how badly i want to move on and get over him, he makes it impossible.
because when it all comes down to it, HE DID NOTHING WRONG.
it's not like my past breakups where i was cheated on, or the guy was a complete ass. i have no reason to be mad at him.
our relationship was flawless. he treated me with love and with respect.
and he went about ending our relationship in a completely respectable manner.
i can't be mad at him.
i can't be upset with him.
i can't cast him out of my life.
...simply because, no matter how hurt i was/am..i loved him. i still do, and probably always will.
i want him in my life..i NEED him in my life.
even if it's only as a friend.
even if every time i see him, my heart aches ever so slightly.
my thoughts drift back to what we had.
i seem to gravitate toward him, despite my greatest efforts to resist.
the torture is worth it to me. it's worth it.
my advice:
form no attachments.
don't let anybody hold you back.
don't allow anything to tether you.
stay young, stay free.
take it easy, love nothing.
i wish i could do that myself.
...i guess i'm just convinced that someday, all of this hurt..all of these failed attempts..will be well worth it.
maybe one day, i will love, and it will last.
i need it to be worth it.
i need it to last.
i don't know how much more pain my fragile body will be able to handle.
...life as we know it.
the beauty of this site is that it's solely about the music.
there is no mundane focus on personal advertisement..as is found so commonly these days with myspace and facebook and such.
..yes, we are able to create these personal profiles with a minute 'about me' section..but for the most part, purevolume is focused on musicians and their beautiful works of art.
quite obviously, however, there are the people who are on this site with the goal of acquiring a large amount of "friends"...and yes, with our personal profiles, we are able to present ourselves in what we consider our best light...or in some cases, as someone who is, in truth, completely foreign to who we truly are.
that's the beauty of the internet, right?
you can create an entirely new identity for yourself..you can become the person you've always dreamed about being. you get this new-found confidence in coming in to contact with others who know absolutely nothing about you..all they know is what you've told them.
but is that really such a beautiful thing??
how much personal fulfillment can one truly get from pretending to be this flawless person that you've merely fantasized about being?
i do believe it is possible to make real friends via internet...but how possible is it really to make TRUE friends when all that they know of you are the good things..the things that may not even be true??
no one wants to present themselves in a negative light.
all people dream of and strive for perfection, whether they admit it or not.
i know i do.
i am not completely blameless in the category of online personalities...in our culture, i think it's something that people almost do subconsciously.
you don't share the undesirable traits.
you share the admirable ones.
...some that you only dream of having.
...so here i am.
ready to bare my soul.
i hereby vow to be as painstakingly honest about myself as i can.
it's a new year, right?
think of this as a sort of resolution.
it's time to re-excavate myself.
completely.
so many things i thought i knew about myself have now completely disintegrated.
so many things and people that/whom i was so sure would forever remain in my life have disappeared entirely.
this heart of mine that i was so convinced was full and strong has been deflated and shredded in to pieces.
to put it simply, i just need to figure things out.
i still love my life.
i'm still blessed in so many various ways.
i'm expecting that small, lonely feeling of joy to be around for a while.
but i could be very wrong about that, as i have been so many times in the past.
...i suppose that's the beauty in the turmoil.
and in all truth, i don't expect anyone to even read the blogs that i will be composing.
because, like i said, this site is about the beauty of the music it supports..and i would like to see it remain that way.
this is more so just a way for me to vent.
to clear my head.
to attempt at ridding my cluttered mind of the thoughts constantly scattered about it.
i'm hoping this will be therapeutic for me.
i suppose we shall find out...
WH0 WiLL SAVE US
ahh.. you\'re about me is kind of emo.. and
sad/scary.. \"people don\'t deserve second chances.
ever\" that\'s a little harsh, don\'t ya think? well
hopefully this is old news..!!
posted Jun 23
miguel aguilera
BAGABAGABAGABAGABAGABAGABA!!!!!!! ...did i shock you
yet. if no. let me know ~Miguel
posted Jun 18
smiley0009
hey wats up!!!
posted May 27
WH0 WiLL SAVE US
oh hello darla. two words for you: wowwa weewa
=] love, nathan, borat, em, e, lady.
posted Apr 16
[fox|racer|chik]
i know! i never see you anymore! or rachel. and i dont
think i\'ve seen emoly more than once this semester.
definitely sex and the city party soon. i always want
to rent it at the video store but it just doesnt feel
right to watch it alone.
posted Apr 09
metalman06
hey thanx for the add love ur choice in music kep it
metal!!!
posted Mar 23
"insertwittydisplayname"
Wherewhere I do wonder where the world did initially go
wrong. I find it sad. Oh to see the world in its
\'natural\' state. sigh. Thats a wish for a shooting
star. I saw my first shooting start the other week. In
the arms of my boy on a park bench. It was beautiful.
Your beautiful. My nans bautiful. Music is
beautiful. AND fruit loops with soy milk are
wonderful. You are the adorable one i think.
Australians are daggy adorable. You are cool
adorable. x)
posted Mar 12
"insertwittydisplayname"
Evening Jessica x) I\'ve been contemplating the world
today. What went wrong. The pin point to terrorism and
why we are all so racist. My friends racist towards
white people but she is white. Its lovely. Speeking of
lovely. I got my new jeans from Newcastle today. Theyre
blue. Nan says theyre teal. They probably are you know!
they skin tight and i plan to wear them in
inappropriate places. FUN. I also got a new cd.
wow. How have you been deep in the depths of
Minnesota? love&lightbulbs.
posted Mar 12