Summer 2008: The Beginning
Posted July 14, 2008
whew.... is it really summer?? i'm spending my nights up at all hours and waking up at 4 in the afternoon so yeah i guess its summer... it just doesn't feel like it... i feel like i should be waking up dead tired and 7 in the AM running to get ready for school while my dad is screaming in my ear (might be talking but because i'm so tired sounds like screaming) to wake up and get ready... i'm still waking up at 6 or 7 in the AM and my dad is still barging open my door and talking too loudly but its for work... since i did such a bang up job at my internship they decided to take me on part-time. woot. will i really have to go to college? i don't know if it will happen. i think i'll arrive at that never failing september day and still be walking through those gym doors at BT to run to homeroom. but instead i'll be going in late august to montclair parking in whatever space i can find in the red hawk deck grabbing a bus and going to my next class whether it b art or general education boredom. hopefully it wont be too awful. it might actually be enjoyable. i'll have alexis there to suffer through and be optimistic for me- thank god. (♥) unlike some people this was no sure thing. i never had a dream school. no goal school. i didnt over stress on my SATs. i didnt really care. it was make or break. and thank god i made it. someone likes my writing and my math enough to accept me. they accepted me and offered to acknowledge accomplishments that i've already recieved so i can move forward not take four steps back and start over again. but we'll see what happens july 22nd. orientation. that will be a good update. hopefully. other than that its been a blur. graduation. graduation parties. those of which are filled with endless amounts of food music and dancing. nothing especially memorable. but nothing to forget either. 4th of july was something good. just good times with friends. thank god for those. recently got into a fight with my brother. that has been on going. he proceeds to cling on to the fact that i dont take things seriously. that i run away from pertinent family conversations. when i've in fact moved on from them and simply don't care. i dont care about the fact that all of his friends are in fact invisible. they dont exist in our little world. he can't drive in a accepted amount of normal driving time to see them or wants to meet up with them. therefore they dont exist. unlike me who is rarely inside the house if i can help it. i'm tired of putting up with his shit and being made to look the bad guy just because he's never had any real friends- his age. i had a whole bunch of them. almost a whole school full. and i've left that happiness to move on. unlike him who cant wait to go onto whatever it is that he thinks he's going to do. he's never had a gf... i've never had a bf (almost-- situations make it difficult to know what to count.) but i've had enough experience to be way paste his experience level. as far as i'm concerned in our generation he's still about 12 yrs old. and i'm the black sheep of the family. i'm the naughty promiscuous other half. and how i hate the role. and everyone i feel is against me. and my mother thinks i'm on drugs, drinking or having wild sex orgies or something T.T because she says i'm outta control. as far as i know i'm completely in control. i know exactly wats going on. he and i are at odds because i refuse to bow down to him and let him just loaf around in this little bubble of boring monotony he's made for himself. he refused to take a job just because it was baby-sitting some kids and involved a little bit of driving. please. i'll take any job. i was prepared to. i just got lucky. we're at odds because i made one little comment. sure he's nice to me. plenty nice. i just don't get opportunities to be nice back. i've been told to crape diem. guess he wasn't paying attention for that lesson. we clash. we're night and day. he's 1950's. i'm 1960's. he wants to bring home the bacon and have the little house wife who does everything for him or marry rich. i want to be the career woman making all of the decisions and will be making all the money. i want independence. i want to be self-sufficient. i try to be whenever possible. and he can work to if he wants because there will be times when i break for my art or to have children but... i want life. passion. sustenance. i want someone with a personality. individuality. getting away from the subject of my brother because that would be another subject in itself entirely. i wish i could find someone. not just because its summer... but summer always brings up the subject. like spring. in fact the only season that doesn't make me think of couples is the fall... which is a reason for it being one of my fave seasons. i'll make the fall my own reason for thinking of love. i'll get married in the fall. but summer.the only amazing things i could think of to come from those months that i even like are vacation (which will stop when i stop learning and start working), going down the shore, seafood, flip-flops, ice cream and barbecue. another thing that makes me hate summer-- summer fling. i hate those two words. it makes love seem so petty and pointless. like suggesting that we should have relationships that only last and only have the ability to last within those three sweaty hot months. like those petty obnoxious relationships in high school. i couldnt stand them nor want them. i see the whole idea of dating as ridiculous. its only object is to bring girls to tears. either that or to leave the guy thinking that there's something wrong with him. an unnecessary worry to add on to amazing stress called life. i've never known a relationship so far to last beyond high school. just enough to make those four years bearable and your done. and everyone wants a bf/gf...why?? to be tied down to someone for x amount of time only to split up waste that time with them and lose that friendship or make it forever awkward. why?? why do it?? no one says you have to... but then i see those googly-eyed slobbering couples and i wonder what i'm missing and only to hear people that are in between relationships say that its not worth it. i can't decide what the right answer is. only i'm dying for love and i'm watching movies about love and reading books like that sighing waiting for my turn. i want my love story now dammit. and all i ever hear is itll come. itll come. itll come. maybe i should give up... but i promised somone that i wouldnt give up. not on love. still. i'm tired of waiting. i can see right through guys anyway. i'll never get a guy to like me. so wats the point? and this has got depressing enough for me. but thats where i'm at inside my head now. its 4:23 in the AM. i'm tired. i have to get up and go to work in an hour and a half. and i have to leave you wondering what will happen for the rest of summer dont i?? talk to you-- who ever you are-- soon.
