paranoid ?
Posted January 6, 2008
When I feel on top of the world one minute
and lower than dirt the next..
What am I supposed to think?
Do I blame others?
No... I don't think they are the ones I need to blame.
Do I blame myself?
Of course.
When I'm having a bad day... hour... moment...
and I take it out on others
What do they think?
I'm not usually so awful.
I'm usually very nice.
Even funny.
But when I feel like nothing is happening the way it should
or if I can't change or fix my situation
I can't help but feel unhappy and out of control.
I only acknowledge those who I think are closest to me
and ignore the rest.
Even those I think are friends notice
notice how I can't find a single reason to be civil to certain people
who perhaps haven't done much to deserve my anger.
How long will it take for them to realize what an unbalanced person I am?
Not very long, I'm sure.
How long until they stop talking to me?
Not much longer, I'm afraid.
How can I make it through this without going completely insane?
... books, music, movies...
may slow my descent..
but the inevitability
the certainty
of falling downward
out of control
in total confidence
into nothing and everything
with no end in sight... and nothing to keep me company...
it seems to be coming quick
and dangerous
