Our story...
Posted March 31, 2008
right from the first time we set eyes on eachother in the seventh grade,we had a certain hate for eachother.it seemed to be the only thing we had in common.the year went on and so did our hatrid,it got worse and she made fun of me and i hated her for it.the jokes and the mean comments about me didnt stop,they eventually got bad enough that i started cutting.then finally the summer came and i stopped cutting and i completely forgot about her.I just let the girl from school that i wanted to like me SO bad slip from my mind,i had given up completely and just stopped trying to get her to see me for who i was,not the way i looked.the summer slowly came to a close and school was starting again,i was in grade eight,the top of the school,with all the other students younger than you,if gave you a since of happyness? espically knowing that i was almost out of barnhill made me feel great.that year my locker was right beside my friend courtneys,who just so happened to be friends with her.so one day me and courtney were just talking about nothing at our lockers and she came up to talk to courtney,she noticed my drawings in my locker and made a good comment or so on them.that was when we finally stopped the hate.we were slowly becoming friends.started talking randomly,having little conversations now and then.slowly started getting closer and became somewhat of friends.then the grade 8 year came to an end,we all said goodbye to barnhill one last time and started off into our summer.with her going to sjhs and me going to stm in the fall i figured that the last day of grade 8 would be the last time i would see her.but by the time fall came and we started into school i soon figured out that we would be taking the same bus to and from school each day.after school we all hung out in front of city hall until about five after four when the bus would come,that time there hanging out made us get a bit closer,but still just friends none the less.you would never think that in order to get close to someone you would have to have something rip the two of you apart first,but for me that seems to be what works best.the year went on and it got to be the end of the year and i was talking to her one day on the bus,immediately after she got off at her school my other friend turned to me and said,"its kinda awkward talking to her now?now that i know that shes bi" that was the first i had heard of her sexuality being anything different than straight.i would be underexagerating if i said i freaked out.i couln't believe that she could like girls,frankly it freaked me out purely because i was not completely sure about my sexuality and that was just one more nail in my coffin,that on my mind i couln't concentrate,it just kept making me think more and more,"maybe i am bi".it eventually crowded my mind so badly that i coulnt even talk to her i had to just stop 100% being around her.needless to say i did the most immature thing ever and avoided her at any cost.in the last week or so of school i started to finally be ok with it,not so stressing and not so much thinking about it.i started to talk to her a bit more,but with the last week being exams i probably only saw her once or twice,so to her i bet it didnt seem atall like i was making an effort to make things better.summer came and i had no computer for the first month or som because i was moving.so i had absolutely no way to talk to her,or anyone for that matter.i sortof let it fall from my mind as i wrapped myself up in soap opras and chick-flicks for a month waiting for my computer to be set up.then FINALLY my internet and computer were set up,i immediately went on msn and talked to everyone that i hadn't talked to in soooo long,except her.i figured that she didnt want to talk to me,or so i led myself to believe.i then remembered about my PICZO site,so i went on it to check out what all was going on there and when i went to the guest book i read this "Jun 29 2007 12:35 pm leigha leigha leigha :) okay i miss you. buss rides and all that jazz look dude you dont ahve to be scared or awkward promise. im over that shit. kinda. i dont wanna be that person anymore. just because i dont want to lose friends like you kk? alrighty wel you see im amazed by your artistic ability. we should have a draw off some time BAHAHA anyways hopefully we can chill sometime during the summer if not see you on the fairville next year :) x_aliya_x! ♥" i think it goes without saying that i felt like a mojor asshole.i just wanted stop my stupidity and just not be such a fag about her being bi,so i talked to her,finally,we talked about everything,and everything was good,then we started getting close-ish,one day i made a joke or something and i said "i don't really think your a bitch",and she said "and i dont really think your heartless" those words,i will ALWAYS remember,if not for those words i would never have told her my feelings on anything and we wouln't have gotten as far as we have today.throught the rest fo the summer we continued to get closer,then school started and i wasnt taking a bus anymore because i moved,but i still went down to mc dicks to see everyone.from there we continued still to get closer,but as we got closer i got more awkward,the reason being i thought i was starting to like her,and with out me even haviing come out yet,that freaked me out.everyone made jokes about how me and her would date and all this and they just made it worse.so there fore i took it into my own hands to be mean and make mean comments about her,and to her so that people woulnt believe i liked her.it was the wrong thing to do because i hurt someone that i love to death,and always will,nomatter what she could do to me i'll always be here for her and my sholder will always be open for her to cry on,even if its not the same with her for me.we faught like mad and things were insane,until i finally showed her that i was sorry for being such a jerk about everything,then we were fine,the awkwardness was almost 100% gone,then i had to go and fuck that up by finally deciding to tell her that i did like her as more than friends,that was when i finally came out,and eventho it was a very stressful time,having her there for me through it made things so much easier.for the next few months it was an awkward back and fourth about how much i wanted to be with her but she always seemed to be with someone else,a guy.things went back and forth,there was a lot of ground covered and there was even one lunch hour of holding hands,which came to an abrupt stop once i found out that she was seeing someone.that killed me and i coulnt take it anymore,so i decided to get over it,i had finally started to around the time exams came around,then that day.oh that afternoon after exams at Uzone.we chilled and played GH3 and it was great,im pretty sure i had my hand on her ass 99% of the afternoon.at the time i thought nothing of it,just another day that we would be good like that then she'd meet a new guy and it woulnt go any farther.but this time it was different.when i got on my bus,she immedately sent me a text message saying "i was 2 seconds away from kissing you" that right there brought every feeling i had pushed down into the black abyss or my heart back to the surface and i found my self head over heals for a girl once again.that night we talked and talked on msn,then she had to go to bed and i didnt want her to go,i thought that if she went to bed that in the morning things would be differnet and that we would go back to just me liking someone whos taken yet again.but this time the next day was the same,it was firday and we were hanging out the next day,she had sent me a relationship request on facebook,so i said "is that your way of asking me out?" and she replyed "no,i was doing that tomorrow" so then one thing lead to another and then we were going out by the time 11:00 pm rolled around on friday night. the next day,when she finally got there we hung out a bit then my parents went out,and we were left there to chill by ourselves,we decided to watch a movie..A Walk To Remember,i remember it like yesterday,at some point i had put my arm around her and around the time that the lead girl in the movie announced that she has cancer and is going to die,i finally took the plunge and just kissed her.she doesnt know it but the entire time that kiss was going on the butterflys that were in my stomach were cutting me apart,it was the anticipation of waiting to finally kiss her for so long and the fact that it was an awesome kiss that made the butterflys in my stomach so intence.i will never forget anything that happened that night,i will always remember every little detail,it will be my favorite memory and my burden to carry,but never in a bad way.the night ended and the next day faded into monday and then i found myself single again,dumped.it took me a really long time to let go,and just let things go back to the way they were.but then we finally made it back to being best friends and were hanging out recently.i started bawling,for no reason really,it was probably from the added stress of wanting to kiss her still but then at the same time not wanting it cause i have moved on to a guy and then she was trying to get me to talk to her about why i was crying,i dont remember this well,but i remember a few key parts,it all ended with a kiss and me falling asleep in her arms one last time.now,its been a while since then and i've come to realize that the feelings of actually liking her that way arnt there,i HAVE moved on completely,but there is always going to be that attachment to her cause me and her ahve had SO many firsts. well atleast firsts for me,prety much anything we did while we were going out would be a first due to the fact that i had NEVER done anything with a girl before then.so i will always be ited to her in that way,and i still consider her my best friend,my number one,and it isnt soon to change,even if im not her number one best friend,even if im not one of her best friends at all,i will always be the one to be there when noone else is around,i will always care about her more than anything or anybody else nomatter where i stand in her eyes,she will remain my best friend,my one and only,we have gone through far too much to leave that behind now.and i know in my heart that this is only the beginning of our story.i hope our story continues for many many years and never stops ....THE END SO FAR...................................... P.S.[FREDRICK,i love you to death,and i hope were always friends,nomatter at what level of friends,hell i'd take aquantences if it ment we would still talk to eachother almost every day in 50 years]sincerly,GLADYS <3
