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In my eyes...

I'm deeply sad, I fear for myself, but yet for others as well. My family is falling apart. No one will look to it cept my mother, and no one will put eyes on it. No one looks to see what's really going on. I believe in trying to make a relationship/marriage work for the sake of your love. But what if love is not returned from another person? My father does not deserve my mother. She can do so much better. And I am very dissapointed that they did not divorice that summer. It has been eating at me for quite sometime now. He does things to dishonor my mother, and even if she does know them, she isn't strong enough to leave him. He can pay child support, but I don't think she is willing to leave him. I love my father, and I love my mother. But I just don't feel they should be together.. The lieing doesn't work for me. I thought me and Cam had problems, but it seems as though we have no room to say a thing, for my father and mother have worse problems, maybe that is because they are married. But I don't know. No one in this family acts like they really care and I am tired of having to keep my chin up for the sake of nothingness? No one else does, why do I have to be the strong one. I am not anymore willing then anyone else is. I just do it because I love my family deeply. Now something is going on with my grandmother and the look on my moms face when she said she was :sick: just said that the something that is wrong is really serious, and I don't think I could handle my gma leaving this world right now. I need her. I can't go to many people about things, I need her. Just like I need my mom. I could careless if he was not in my life anymore. I am grateful that he puts a roof over my head and clothes on my back and food in my stomach. But I am not thankful for the way he treats my mom and the rest of this family. He's always babing his kids, I don't care if hes not my bio father, but I do care that sometimes he makes me feel like he is not my father at all. Breaks my heart more then anything. I gave him another chance in my heart after he screwed up and thought I wasn't gonna find out things he did and does. I know more then I let on about them, and you know what, I'm tired of not being able to be happy and not being able to be real with my family. I have to please them, so I am hardly my own person anymore. I can only be that person with my friends, my family would't dare except anything that I really want to be..

I'm sorry guys.. my hearts just breaking.

:|

And I don't know what to do.

I can't stand Cassy worth anything. I am so ashamed to call her my sister. Everytime she screws up it breaks my heart cuz I know she can do better. And I am sick of it. Cuz I am tired of holding back my feelings and junk. I can't tell her how I think cuz she takes everything the wrong way. Always. I could careless about her anymore. She wants to keep messing up thats fine. Good for her. I'm not here anymore for her. Forget it.

I'm done with it.



Sorry I just am hurting about all this.

Cant think straight, can't sleep , can't hardly eat. I am forced to so thats why I do. I'm just tired of not being able to talk to cam not being able to breathe. It's my fault and I don't understand myself anymore. But it is what it is. And I can't do anything about it. It's my fault I can't talk to Cam. But you know what.

I can handle this.

I can get through this.

I've messed up worse before.

I can handle this.

I won't lose myself..

The whole entire thing just sadens me.

I am okay, just very very sad. I will be fine once I see Camron tomorrow and talk with him about all this. I will feel better, I hope :) I will smile for him and keep my chin up.

I love you Camron <3

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To my one and only everything.

I'm sorry baby about the fighting and shit we're going through. It will all be over soon. okay.
I love you...
know that.

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I hate myself

I do, I really do :[
I cant eat.
I can't sleep.
All I can do is think.

And..

...I don't even want to do that.

I ruined a great friendship while loosing trust with it.

God please free me.

Please forgive me, and bring forgiveness upon her eyes.

I messes up, for I cannot control myself.

A loving relationship should not overwhelm a strong trust bond. Now, because I could not contain myself I have LOST myself, and trustworthyness.

God save me.

For I cannot save myself

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sick and tired..

Horrified
By what we've become
Glorifying
All the damage we have done
Our time is running out
Are you the one to change it

Hourglass is running short of sand
The candle's burning again

I don't want to live forever
I don't want to see this world decay
I don't want to live forever
To be the one to see the end of days

Take a look
The wounds aren't healing
You can't make all
The pain we're facing fade
To restore all that's gone
To the way it was before

Hourglass is running short of sand
The candle's burning again
And I'm the only one to understand

I don't want to live forever
I don't want to see this world decay
I don't want to live forever
To be the one to see the end of days

And all the endless suffering will always to grow and prosper
And all the endless suffering will always to grow and prosper

I don't want to live forever and be the one
I don't want to live forever and be the one









Live life without you
Without you
How can I live life without you
Without you, how can I

Justify the fallen innocent
Show me where to direct all frustration
Wish I had the power to turn back
If only to saw those three words

Broken
I engage this grief
For you were
My only everything
Fractured
I fell to the floor
Fall, fall for cover, for cover
From truth that scars

And so I'm left bemused and still
Emotionless I'm in disbelief
It feels like I'm dreaming
But I can't stop the screams

Take the pain away from me
Burn so deeply
How can I live life without
You have paved the way for me
Gave me purpose
So I try to live life without you
And so I'm left to search the skies
For answers
This hole inside
Can never be filled without you
Without you





I'm tired of the grief and the pain.
the hurt and the misery
the lies
they all come up and show themselves.
I dont have the strenght to be happy for anything.


Tell me why must I feel this way. Camron trys so hard and yet it makes no difference at times...
He acts different around his friends...
and other stuff.

whatever.
it dont matter.
I know he loves me.
I wont leave him.

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My life..

Wow, life seems to become more and more interesting each day. That's what makes it fun to sit back and watch, as consquences endure, and hearts are slowly getting broken. My life, is amausing to watch. If someone sat back drank some coke and watched my life pass me by each day, they would laugh at my thoughts, and quiver at my excitement for many things. My twisted mind would worry them, and yet they would shudder to be near me. People would really wonder if I were sane or not.
And actually, I truely believe I am not some times, not cuz I can't control my sanity, but because I let things happen I could very well prevent. But I chose to avoid those things, and not face them. Don't want to I guess.
My boyfriend, is my only sanity. We may argue and fight alot, but that's part of building a strong healthy relationship, and if it weren't for him, I could very well still be on drugs, this is my choice not to be though.
But oh well, I am rambling.
Just though I'd let you know, that I am deeply concerned for the world around me, and that I love my boyfriend incredibly. <3

I love you baby <3

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