i little about who i really am inside
Posted June 28, 2006
So i have desided that i hide who i am on the inside to make sure that i cant be hurt..
I wake up in the morning and place a smile on my face and act like everything is alright but it never is... i want everything to be all good but everytime i think it is im fucking beat down... I may not act like it but im the most broken person inside and im fucking good at hidding it.. i have become so good that i made me believe im ok.. my happyness is seeing my friends happy.. i use them to keep me solid... so i would do anything to make them happy..i like seeing them happy cause it lets me know that there is something better than what i have.. and i know i will never have it but just to see someone i care for happy like that keeps me sain... but at the same time its my way of not dealing with who i really am.. i fear becoming close to anyone just because i know that they will just fuck me over.. having my best friend who talked about my sexuality behind my back.. taking in someone new and trusting to have them call me an ugly bitch, having a random guy on myspace e-mail me calling me a filthy fucking whore and me not even knowing who the fuck he is.. as bad as i want to just let that shit just pass by like nothing it never does it eats me inside and i never stop thinking about it.. i dont know how much more i can really take i want to just be happy.. but i cant take being hurt anymore... out of all the pain thats built up inside i wish someone would just shot me and watch me slowly bleed to death cause it would hurt less. as hard as i try to let new people in i can't and i know i have let some people that i shouldnt have go.. and if i could i would take it back but i cant..
i know most people dont know this but the happiest day of my life was when my dad moved out right before i started high school.. because he was always yelling about something.. and when your young and to have your dad scream at you for no reason at all and then go weeks with out talking to anyone.. come home and sleep on the couch and then leave for work in the morning saying not a word to anyone.. i reamember the day he left like as if it was a movie that i play over and over again..it was a holiday the flags were out... i rembember him and my brother fighting over a cd.. me in the kitchen my dad telling my brother to hit him so he can call the cops.. my mom getting in the middle trying to stop it.. i went upstairs into my parents room my mom comming in saying what do you think about getting a divorce... i wanted it i had for a long time.. he was outside the door when i said it... he called me a spoiled shit.. and then threw their wedding vows down the stairs the tv changer at the wall and left.. the cops came.. he was gone though i remember not being able to sleep knowing he was going to come home.. and of course he showed and we called the cops again and they made him leave.. he lived in a trailor for like 3 months... he went to court and had to take anger managment classes... they never did divorce and i still wish it would i hate him so bad.. and its a pritty fucked up thing to say.. but that was 4 years ago and the pain it left is still as strong as it was the day it happend..
so when i push someone away.. im scared to be broken and left alone... im still that scared broken girl 4 years ago crying in her room and yet i still put a smile on my face.. and act like life is great.. so if you just plan on leaving me or fucking me over save your time and my tears! but of course dont worry i'm just fine.. like i always am!
