PureVolume

I felt freer than I had in a long time, I wondered if it's cause you were gone. . . you were gone.

And it's so annoying when now-a-days everyone and everything seems and looks the same. Everyone likes the same things, dresses the same way, tries the same way, watches the same movies, listens to the same music, thinks the same. It seems like no one's original anymore. I logged onto Myspace yesterday and was just annoyed by how everyone has the same pictures, the same look, the same bulletins, the same bullshit about me. There's those little girls who try so hard to look old and look just like everyone else, and then there's those older girls who just really need to grow the fuck up. And then there's those girls who try to put themselves out there as something they're not, girls who try to make themselves seem so original and different when really all it's doing is making them sound exactly like everyone else. And it's the same with boys. I'm not targetting any specific gender, but it's more noticeable with the girls. It's so hard to be original these days, I know it. I'm not even exactly original, but I am myself, and that makes me not better than anyone else, but it makes me me.

I need a break from this place; I need a break from these people. I need a break from people generally. It's immature to complain, I know, but this is me just getting my thoughts out. I'm the only one who reads this anyways. I'm tired of everything, haha. This blog stops here. . .

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When you talk it makes me cringe, you want so bad to have meaning. But you're empty and draining; you're so 4th street. I can't take it, I know I shouldn't care. But your life's intersecting where mine's disconnecting

Hector made me an amazing mix, so I'm starting with listening to new music. I really really love the mix, it'll hold me for now, but I can't wait for the next one. I'm here, just got outta the shower not too long ago. I swam today, i'm doing swimming lessons again. so I can get better and get certified for next year. Granted, I'm going to get darker even though I had just started lightening up from not going, but oh well. My weak legs and arms could use the excercise. . . lol.

I haven't really blogged in a while, which is why I'm blogging again, but I dunno. It feels a little. . . strange. Haha. I haven't really talked to anyone really, so I guess keeping a conversation, even if just through "self-writing" is rather strange. . . I saw Sandra yesterday. . . she's . . .different. I dunno. I rather not talk about her openly, because not only do I feel it's not right, but I dislike being talked about openly. . . haha. Well I guess I'm out. This was rather pointless to start. . . Hope ya like. ;) Lol. Jk

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Timothy where have you been? Missed your photo, missed your birthday too. Missed your photo. . oh. It's not what it seems, but it is, Timothy where have you been?

She cried in the kitchen to let you go, Timothy where have you been?

This song makes me so sad. :/

Things with me have changed a lot, and everything that has occured this summer has a different aura to it. I'm finding it easier to be optimistic, at least at the moment I am, who knows, maybe it'll change by tomorrow? But right now, I'm feeling rather optimistic and okay. I'm alright with letting things go and trying to just be alright, better, for myself and for the sake of my own sanity and health. I've been skipping medication. I find that I feel a lot better when I'm not under it, I think I'm going to continue to skip it. I haven't seen a doctor in forever, so it sorta doesn't even matter to me. . . But yeah. I've been sleeping and pretty much napping a lot for the past three days. I found it hard to sleep last night, and didn't knock out until 3AM even though I lied to Evy and said that  I slept earlier. . . but I don't know. I didn't have the balls to tell her that I just didn't feel like texting her back. I just wanted to be alone last night I guess. I'm so nostalgic, I miss so much, and this song continues to make me soo so sad, but I can't stop listening to it, but you know, things get better. I remember when I used to have that whole I-will-get-myself-through-this, I-don't-need-anybody-but-myself attitude. I'm working on getting all that back, and maybe more. i'm trying to write more also, in my journal and everything, since writing is something I let fall so long ago and have yet to really been able to pick up and make my own. This is all random jumbles of notions in my head. It's confusing me just how everything is coming out the way it is, it hardly makes any sense since things aren't exactly flowing well. but I get me at least. I should go, I hardly feel like blogging. Rest assured, I'm doing fine.

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It's practically all I've been thinking about, so thank you for finding the words I couldn't find on my own, now I'm not alone.

So it's one in the morning, almost going on two, and I'm finding it completely pointless and difficult to lay myself to sleep. I don't know anything right now, I'm not exactly in the best mood. I'm feeling rather alone, and that's pretty much just it. I feel alone and confused, like I have no where and no one to go to. Just when I think I'm finally going to get something, it's taken or it runs away from me as fast and as far as it can go. Excuse me for being vague, but I rather not explain since I know what I'm talking about. . . but yeah. Today has been long and slow, and rather. . . depressing if you ask me. I woke up early, jogged, went to swimming lessons, got my wisdom teeth pulled out, came home, slept, woke up, ate the little I could, went to a softball game, and went out to eat regardless of the restrictions the dentist set on me. Who gives a shit really, I doubt I hurt myself, and if I did, it's nothing that can't be fixed, ya know? Or maybe I'm just being immature and reckless, but who really cares, I'm not in the mood to pretend I'm optimistic or anything. I'm annoyed at how nothing ever works my way, and life has taught me that, but I still somehow expect at least SOMETHING to go my way, something to actually work it's way out to be the way I want it to be. But nothing ever works like that, and all I can do is sit and wait, find better ways of dealing and thinking because doing nothing never did anything for anybody. I have too much time on my hands, yet it all goes by way too fast. I'm far from ever being productive; I've yet to write or sing or do anything for myself. . . Summer is going by so fast, I've gotten super tan/dark due to all the sun exposure I go through. . I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, but I usually lay it all off so I don't feel too bad. I know that isn't what I should be doing, but there is nothing I feel like doing right now, at least nothing dealing with thinking and making myself feel bad. I'll just stay up late and listen to Chase Coy, because he somehow is pulling at all my heart strings. In a week or two, I'll be miles away from you, on the California coast, but you know the thing I'll miss the most, is you. . . He's adorable. . . I don't know what else to write.  . . Goodnight, I'll keep my thoughts all to myself for the rest of today. . .

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Someday I know, I'll find a way, to keep myself from holding on. Stay awake, with the sound of my voice, I'm restless from the silence in the air.

I want to be, somewhere I can see the roads. A place where everytime you breathe a wish comes true, I want to be where love is real. And memories of distant days come to life again. . .

Aiy, this song makes me want to cry. It's sad that I get so sentimental, well nostalgic really. but I can't help but to. I've started writing in my journal again, not this one, but my real hard copy one, and I find it to help slightly. Slightly, since it all seems so foreign in a memorable way to me. If that makes any sense. It's like visiting a foreign country you've visited before but forgotten the best hot spots and everything. . . Me and my queer analogies. Lol, but yeah. . . Anywho, my journal is really torn and tattered now, considering the fact that I've torn so much of it time and time again, it's in good condition. It suits me more now, it's more like me. Vulnerable and falling apart at the seams, with scripted calligraphied words in the inside, holding up well regardless of the deteriorating cover. Summer started for me on June 10th, and it's pretty horrible that I'm yet to do anything since then, I have a feeling that if that keeps happening my summer is going to be a huge waste and disappointment. Sorta like last summer. . . Anyways, I just looked down and my hands and saw that my nails are growing. :D I haven't bitten them in like what, a week or two? They'll probably be chewed down by the end of today, but it's rather exciting that they've actually grown and I've yet to bite them in so long. Pretty huge accomplishment, if you ask me.

Today's probably going to be rather blah, I doubt I'll be doing anything. I'm not in such a good mood for reasons I rather not blog about, but I'm trying to disregard that. It's sorta hard though when I'm stuck here at home by myself and have nothing better to do. The thought process just creeps itself upon me and I fall prey. Maybe that's what I get for being so quiet and observative, but what else is there to be? Ignorant and loud? Stupid and out going? I dunno, I guess I'm better off at where I'm at, I need to be more appreciative maybe. I dunno. I get things I don't want and that's why I don't appreciate them, it's like they're unnecesary, a luxury almost, not a need. And that makes me "take things for granted" though I really doubt I'd miss them if they were to leave since I never paid any attention to them or cared much for anything. I don't feel like specifying anything because that would be mean, and I might not mean it later (though I doubt that's the case, it's always better to be safe then sorry). Well, what a contradiction there, I don't even follow that "It's better to be safe than sorry" haha. So there I am dropping little cliches that I don't even stick to the book on. I don't know, I'm not exactly cliche, but how I use and come up with them.

I dunno. I'm out. . .

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