the truth
Posted February 9, 2006
this is how I know God is real...
I was born about 2 years ago, on April 12th 2004. I also died that night. I am a new creation, a new person. Let me tell you about my former life. For over 18 years I was a creature of the world. My life was what I wanted it to be. Or rather what I thought I wanted. I was President of the Gay Straight Alliance at my high school. All of my friends were the people you would only know to get drugs from. Every time we were not in class, we were sure to be found doing something illegal, drugs and vandelism mainly. I was the girl who you went to if you were lonely. My friends nicknamed me the educated slut. I knew more about sex than a sex ed teacher and probably had more of it too. I don't know if I can name all of the people by memory, it would take quite a bit of thinking. I also had a few girlfriends, as in girls that I dated and also "slept" with. I could name most rock bands and albums by memory. But mostly I wrote extremely depressing poetry and wore too much eyeliner. For these attributes I was voted most unique. How unique is it to buy into all of the world's lies? Still, my greatest "claim to fame" was how loose I was. That was how my husband first heard about me. He overheard band mates talking to my then boyfriend about me and how he must be getting some if he was dating me. Now I want to tell you about how I am who I am today. Being the worldly person I was, when my parents said that they were to be out of town for Halloween weekend, I jumped at the opportunity to have a party. The day before I was at the mall and happened to run into a friend. He was with another guy and I invited them both to go trick or treating and to my after party. Little did I know how much this event would turn my world upside down. The guy that was with my friend [Adam], upon spending the whole night hanging out with him, turned out to be the best and most kind guy I had ever met. He looked at me for my beauty, not as an object to conquer. Through the amazing power of God we fell in love, the Christian who never had a girlfriend and the educated slut. Through the time that I spent with Adam I found my true love. Yes I love my husband but it is not him. It is God. Until I saw the truth I never really saw a way out of my pain. I used to find love in the loins of strangers, not even in their arms or hearts. I surrounded myself with pop culture and was a strong advocate for a sin driven life. I had no idea of God, at least not a God that would want anything to do with me. I was proud of my antiChrist spirit and relations. How could I do and feel all of this and He still love me? Only by His awesome love and grace. Thinking about the life He saved me from brings tears to my eyes. I don't think there are words to describe how trapped I felt. Trapped by my friends, by my lifestyle, I truly believed that I would never get married or find joy in life. I constantly thought of killing myself but knew that I never would. So instead I cut into my own flesh, trying to cut away the pain but also to get a different form of attention. I was so depressed. I really didn't care what happened to me. There are also not words to describe how much I have changed. God is real. To go from what I was and what I felt to now, the only way for it to happen is God. He literally killed everything that I was and made a completely different person. His love and grace are something that no one and nothing can take the place of. You can search your whole life but still there will be something missing, a part of you that nothing is ever able to fill if you never know Christ. I have never in my whole life, not in the people I knew or the things I did, not even my parents, not even the husband that lead me to God, nothing gave me the feeling of love that comes from knowing Christ and having that intimate relationship that you can only share with Him. Nothing compares to God's love.
