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I'm bizarre, and very random. I love rats.I have 17 of them, yes you read that right. I also have 5 hermit crabs, a frog, a guinea pig, a bunny, a hamster, and a cat. My headphones SHOULD be attached to my ears because the earbuds chill with my eardrums most of the day. I'm weird without drugs or alcohol. I'm not photogenic. I can be shy or outgoing depending on the person. I say "dude" all the time and too much. ADHD is a common characteristic of me. Don't try to understand me. I love and trust too many people too quickly. I analyze everything to every possible aspect, its annoying. My phone, is best friends with my jean pocket. I wear multiple shirts at the same time. Don't ask why. I love talking so if you wana talk, leave a comment or message, but if you're a homophobe, back off! I support gays strongly. I'm NOT impressed when people talk about killing animals for the fun of it (aka hunting), or when people make fun of gays. I'm addicted to youtube and happiest playing with my pets.I'm from one of those families where I'm the odd one out, my parents don't like how I've turned out and I don't get along with my older brother. I mean it, I refused to attend his wedding and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about that. He's not invited to my wedding if get married so yeah. I hate the word probe, grope, and fag/faggot. Don't try to call me weird, freak, dork, or anything along those lines because I already know I am all of the above. Yahoo: X4Xdeadbeatxcxx The Landlord on FunnyOrDie.com

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July 24

Waiting

I don't know if I ve ever been in such a situation. Growing up should be a choice. No worrying about love life or careers, payment duedates to meet and whatever else decides to demand your time....the pressure is almost unbearable. I swear society is going back to its old ways and trying to mature us faster than we should be. To get to the gut of this, Brian and I once again broke up....I don't know when I've ever hurt more. For once, I can actually say that I would rather be dead than have to wake up each day with a broken heart. He said it was for work reasons and I think I know that reason. Besides it all, we want to remain friends, but it's hard for me. Just less than a month ago we exchanged "I love you"'s for the first time and something like work just butts in. Everyone says it sounds sketchy but it really would make things add up. Two thursdays ago he told his family he had a girlfriend. Now he is in the family that owns the business I work for and they have a rule and are extremely stric on it: no dating coworkers. Ever since he told his family, things changed, for the worse. I think he did it to protect me becuase they wouldn't fire him....I'd get the boot. And he said he didn't wanna do it. It also explains why he wanted me to find another job so bad. So now the guy I'm in love with must remain "just a friend". It's like the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Just sit back and watch him. I understand he will also be extremly busy with his new promotion, but damn, even for a family member, a 20 year old should still not be working 58 fucking hours a week. And I miss him so much. It's taking everything I have to not tell him how badly I hurt. It was the little things that meant so much to me. How he would kiss my fingers, or hold me close, he turned all my bad days around and became my escape. And for once, I believed that I wasn't ugly. I even lost my desire to cut. I mean I could go on and on about why I love him, but the overall truth of it is that Im still in love with him and I swear I'd do anything to get him to take me back. I'm willing to sacrifice what it would take. I just can't seem to let go of him. And I'm tired of everyones advice of just waiting and that everything will be ok. I just want him back. And I don't know why I won't let myself sob over it. I've shed some tears, but have yet to let the breakout thats bursting behind my eyes let loose. Shit, battery low, That's it for now.

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May 20

Got A Crush On A Pretty Pistol!

I don't know that the point in this blog is...just to ramble I guess and hope something meaningful appears. The past month I've been hit by depression...I mean honestly, does it really feel the need to keep coming back? Isn't four years long enough? Cutting, burning and starving don't do shit anymore, except become an addiction that overtakes the day. The depression isn't full time like it used to be, but it comes in phases now, and curently the phases are coming and going so fast I feel bipolar. For once things feel like they are going right, but depression sticks its ass in to ruin it. I get home from a good day, got some homework to do and I feel motiated to do it, get to my room, get prepared and complete shut down. Go to work, happy that Brian is working that day too, and clock in, walk around to start working, shut down. Then all day I can only focus on the negatives. I fall asleep imagining what my funeral will be like, who will come, what will be said. Think of cutting, burning, starving, plan those self harm techniques out for the next day, can't sleep, can only feel like a freak and wonder what attracts Brian to me in that state. It's like I've become so comfortable being depressed that when I'm happy I feel guilty, and I'm trying once again to stop cutting for Brian this time, because I know he doesn't like it. He's not making me quit, but I think I scared him once when I told him why I wana quit because if I cut the way I wanted when I wana cut, I'd probably be dead, even though cutting isn't my attempt at suicide. Nope sorry, tried that once and it failed. So I just wana quit. I'm running out of places to cut that can be hid. I'm cutting over scars. Nothing is staying constant as far as sleeping, my feelings, eating. Some days I feel like I could eat everything I see, then later that night my appetite is gone. Some nights I sleep all night or get as little as 30 minutes. It affects school. Which I hate cuz this semester I like my classes and not one of them is hard. But when you don't even want to do your work, it doesn't help. With in the past month I've started hearing things too, only twice but still....it was weird and random. I heard a nonexistant slamming door and then I heard voices, a man and woman and had no damn clue waht they were saying. I mean come on, do I not sound far from normal? I feel like a freak and am scared Brian will tire of me being depressed and all my pessimistc ways and leave even though he says repeatedly that I can't do anything to scare him off, he's attached to me. I don't know that to do with my self anymore. Everything is fluctuating and its really getting hard to keep track of.

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April 15

Stalemate/Checkmate

Having Brian back in my life has me happier than I've been in awhile but has brought on a whole new set of fears. It feels weird getting back because it feels like we sorta have picked things back off before they went bad last time. But I'm slowing things down for many reasons and thankfully he understands. We've been together again for a week now, and I already find myself wanting to do everything we did before, but as far as we went had me attached and it was hard to let go when things got bad. And I don't want to get attached just yet. I do, but I don't. And I don't because he has a lot to learn about me and I wana learn more about him. I don't want to do everything we did, get attached and for him to learn something and leave. Maybe I'm being paranoid....but that's how I am. I grew up and still am stuck in a broken home. I can't help that...but the results still remain with me and I still find myself wanting to revert to bad things. I am not close with anyone in my family. I used to be close with my cousin, but within the past 3 years he has cut ties with me. When I was young, my dad worked all day, my mom all night and she slept all day. I understand it was a job thing. I can't accuse because of that. I'm jsut stating this is what happened because of that. When my mom was sleeping, we had to clean the house. My dad is a perfectionist with an awful temper. If something wasn't just perfect, we were yelled at and had to redo it. Result: I'm a perfectionist now and I hate it. On reportcards, even a B wasn't good enough. C's meant grounding. And whether or not it was meant, you can only hear something so much before you start to believe it and things I heard consisted of being called ugly, fat, and stupid. result: I have little self esteem and I do believe at times that I am ugly. And being a perfectionist only makes conditions worse because it's something I can't achieve. I haven't really suffered a ton as far as the way my brother treated me, but it sorta makes me fear being alone with a guy. My older brother used to beat me and touch me. It's mostly just given me more the reason to hate him. So as I grew, within the past 3 years especially, depression set in hardcore and I started finding my own ways. As a kid I wasn't encouraged to to "express" my anger so I have become extremely passive. But it came out on my skin one day and it became what I turned to. It's only an addiction now. I admit, I still do it, not everyday like I used to, but a few times a week...I've done ie 3 times this month so far. I hate that I do it now because I don't want Brian to find them. I don't mind the scars, or the cuts, but I know others disagree so I can't cut the ways I want. If I had things my way, my arms would be covered. I know thats fucked up. That's basically what i've become. One completely fucked up emo girl. When cutting stopped helping I turned to starving. Oh how I could go on and on about ways I'm fucked up. And lately, everynow and then, I hear slamming doors that I fucking know don't exist. When I was young, and to this day, raised voices and slammed doors meant trouble. When ever I hear one, no matter where I am, I start panicking. I've never felt comforted at home. I've become the exact thing my parents tried to prevent me from becoming. And all this fucked up past stuff is always on my mind, but when I'm with Brian, I feel freed from this all. I don't get called ugly, fat, retarded, or questioned why I dress the way I do. I don't have to worry about raised voices, or slamming doors. I don't feel the need to bleed or dream about what belts in my closet would end my life the quickest. I don't have to make certain grades or pretend to be happy. All I hve to do is be myself. And I've found myself looking to Brian for comfort, and I like the feeling sooo much, but lately, especially with all this stress, that feeling is all I want and I seem to text Brian on and on and I don't wana scare him off or bug the shit out of him. And I want him to know this stuff, just so he knows why things are the way they are, but at the same time, I don't want him to know this. And it's pretty fucked of me to not even have the desire for therapy because I probably need it.

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April 12

Real Happiness

Everyone says find something that makes you happy. You don't need a guy to do that. But ist hat really true? Cuz I hate being single, one things ive always dreamed for was someone to like me that way and make me feel special and that i mean something and it makes me happy. And ever since me and Brian broke up, I was miserable, I relapsed in cutting and even started getting suicidal again. When you go through depression, I mean ,a lot of times there's not much that makes you happy. When I'm with Brian, I feel something else, something I've never experienced before, even with Donnie. Brian makes me happy. Everyone thinks I'm stupid to give him a second chance. But I believe everyone deserves a second chance. He went through a depression. I'm not gona sit here and ex[lain all the reasons I understood what he went through and why I never said he was wrong to be that way. I just understand what he went through and he said seeing me last thursday made him feel awful and he regretted what happened. He asked for a second chance. So he's getting it. This time it feels different, in a good way. The five hours I was with him last night went by too fast. When I'm with him, I feel so open, and special, like there's a reason to be on Earth. And I hate being away from him, but just the thought of someone else out there thinking about me the same way I think of them is so awesome. Growing up the way I have and the way things have turned out, having someone who likes me taht way and hopefully one day will love me that way gives me hope to get away from the life I tried to end. Brian hasn't ever hinted that I should change who I am or waht I do, except that I should have more self esteem, but that much is true. I confessed my cutting to him and that I always feared a guy would find out and leave, and he said he understands and isn't gona get mad say he should find a cut one day because he understands how hard it can be to quit stuff. And I've never had anyone tell me they like my eyes, no one who has held me that way he does.....it all just makes me happy. And maybe I'm being naive to believe, but he said this time around hes not gona let anything bad happen. To hear that means so much. He said hes not letting me go this time, he doesn't wana fuck up again. The way things turned out with me and him sorta feels like the old cliche "if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it's yours" I don't care what anyone says, I like him and I'm giving him a second chance.

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April 4

Don't Believe It, But It Came True.....O_o

Scorpio: A lucky break in your love life helps you forget other irritations. You're so dearly blessed, nothing else matters. I don't believe in horoscopes. And the majority of the time they are all far-fetched. After lab today, we were sitting, waiting for the next part and Brian pulled out today's paper and started asking ppl their signs and read their horoscopes. It was so fucking creepy that everyones was dead on today. The he read mine, as listed, and it creeps me out because my ex is working again, and within the past 3 hours have basically made up and still like each other. I just don't believe how it was so true and I dont even do horoscopes. I guess i did have a lucky break. Despite what ive said and the things ive done, I still have feelings for him and miss him. I never wanted to dump him, but when the things that happened started, I didnt know waht else to do.

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