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EMMMA...
Age: 17
Location: Where I want you to be, too...
Joined On: Sep 01, 2006
Occupation: just a school-kid...
Website: http://hs.facebook.com/profi...
Rakansen
Where Else But Nowhere
Heyyy.
Emma's the name, life's my game. Just trying to get through it with as much fun and as little cuts and bruises as possible. Music pretty much sums up my life. So, if you wanna get to know me, listen to some tunes. They'll sing my song. If you can't find any tunes, I'll sing one for you. My life consists of friends, fun, family, music, dance, and surviving. I think that's it.
Although some things bother me-wait, make that most things-I guess you could consider me to be carefree and free-spirited. I either overlook things, or fight til the death. It's just who I am. I believe nothing should be done half way. You're either in it, or not. I also believe there's a lot that you can learn from everything and everyone around you. So, at the absolute worst, maybe we'll learn a bit from eachother. Who knows.
Take a look.
Who I am...hates who I've been...
I wish I knew who I was.
I wish I knew what I was doing.
Why is it that so many things can change in so little time?
It seems like just yesterday that I was standing strong in what I believe..and not guessing what I actually do believe.
If someone were to ask me what I believe, or what I stand for, I'm not exactly sure what I would say.
I know what I'd like to say, but I don't think that what i would like to say can be true.
For a little bit of time, I've been telling myself that I need to figure out what I believe..and make it my own, and stop living by what others have told me to believe.
For some time the case has been that "something is wrong, because someone said it is wrong". It wasn't wrong because I thought it was.
But I'm not sure what to think about any of that anymore.
Tonight was a..different night. It was raw, emotional, and real.
I can't say that everything's changed..because I have no idea if it is.
But tears were shed. Hopefully they will take me somewhere new.
Because I need to go somewhere new.
I need to go somewhere where I can be...right. But does that place even exist?
Could it be that where I am is where I'll have to stay forever?
Is this my final resting place?
I hope not.
...Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night...
All over again.
Nothings bad, I guess. I don't really know what's going on. Everything just seems so strange. So much is up in the air, and so much just doesn't seem to matter. But then again, everything seems so vital. The stressed life is about to start..innn oh-15ish days. And I have no idea what to do. My summer has been so, awesome..and come on-schools not. I suppose I'm scared that I'll fall into old ruts, and things will end up going downhill. It appears as though its bound to go bad, as that is how life tends to be. But we'll see. I'm keeping my hopes high, so that good things may happen. It's been a long summer, and maybe people are different, and things will be changed. Who knows. After all...
Dove c'e speranza c'e vita.
Bearing...
The Woman I Am--
The woman I am
Hides deep in me
Beneath the woman
I seem to be.
She hides away
From the strangers eye--
She is not known
To the passers-by.
She goes her way,
The woman I seem,
But the woman I am
Withdraws to dream.
The woman I seem
Goes carelessly--
When love goes by
Does not seem to see.
But the woman I am
Knows sudden fear...
And hides more deeply
When love draws near.
For love might look closely
Perhaps...and see
Her beneath the woman
I seem to be.
--G. Allen
Happiness--
Happiness is like a crystal,
Fair and exquisite and clear,
Broken in a million pieces,
Shattered, scattered far and near.
Now and then along life's path,
Lo! some shining fragments fall;
But there are so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.
You may find a bit of beauty,
Or an honest share of wealth,
While another just beside you
Gathers honor, love or health.
Vain to choose or grasp unduly,
Broken is the perfect ball;
And there are so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.
Yet the wise as on the journey
Treasure ever fragment clear,
Fit them as they may together,
Imagining the shattered sphere,
Learning ever to be thankful,
Though their share of it is small;
For it has so many pieces
No one ever finds them all.
--Priscilla Leonard
Invictus--
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the mater of my fate:
The captain of my soul.
--William Ernest Henley
Come and Go..
So much passes by..it just goes along.
People pass by, and what we had goes along. I don't know if I like that.
Unsaid promises are made, and those aren't kept. Distance keeps everything strained..keeps us from being us.
Why the distance, though? Could it be that the distance between us exists solely in our minds? Maybe we're so far away because we let ourselves be. Maybe we're so far away, that I hardly know you anymore..
I think that's what scares me the most. I'm frightened to lose you. Or, the little bit that I had of you. Being so far away makes everything harder.
I miss you.
So long--self.
So much has changed since June 28th. The minute I stepped off that plane I knew I would never be the same. Some part of me would forever be different, would forever be better. I would love to say that everything is great, but in all reality, it never will be. But I do know that the majority of it is on it's way to being good.
It was probably somewhere close to 95 deg, and humid. We had to wait for about 3 hours for a bus. The only water that we could drink was bottled water, but even that got expensive after the first two we each had. Those three hours were spent playing killer, and exchanging words with some locals.
Oh boy, the thrills we were getting ourselves into.
After a few more groups landed and passed customs, we were bussed to our Ritz-Carlton(HHAHAAHAHAHAH, I wish). Just kidding. It was a high school..but not by any means of the ones we have here. As we first pulled up, I thought to myself, "You're kidding, right? This is where I have to live for the next 9 days? No, this can't be right..." Ha, it was definitely right, though. The floor boards had termite damage, and we got the privelage of sleeping on them. Well, almost everyone had an air mattress, so it wasn't that bad. Looking back on our rooms, after seeing how people really lived, I guess you could consider it a Ritz. And that's not even the worst of it.
Sunday, we went to this little...water park...called Old Belize. We had to go through a police checkpoint, where there were armed guards holdling, you guessed it, M-16's. Old Belize was pretty cool though. there was a massive water slide, and they made a "ocean pool", which was neat. There was a restauraunt/bar attached, so we got to have some food, too. Oh, and I forgot the best part. On our way there, there was a sign that had the grim reaper and a married couple, and it said in huge white letters ,"Don't let AIDS sneak up on you." It was quite a comical sign. Anywho.
While others got to leave the Nazarene High School for their worksites, my group, and two others had the privelage of staying on base. My crew ripped up floor boards that were horribly broken from termites, replaced them, and layed down plywood. But then we ran out of plywood for the second room, and there was no more money so it had only 1/3 of the floor done. But oh well. At least it had some plywood. On Friday, my crew went to crew 5's worksite, and helped them. This house was...sad. There was no door for the bathroom. The toilet consisted of just a toilet bowl (no tank) and a pvc pipe leading out of the house. There was one bedroom for a few people. The homeowner was overjoyed when we installed a back door that could actually be opened and closed, and when plywood was installed so bugs, rats, and lizards couldn't enter her house whenever they felt like it. It was heartbreaking. The homeowner had a daughter, Sabrina, and Sabrina's cousin lived right behind them. So Sabrina and Juanita were hanging out with us. Friday was the first day that I had ever seen Sabrina, and I had only looked at her a few times, and talked to her for like, 10 min...but inspite of everything she didn't have and how distraught her house was, she presented me with a stuffed penguin. Everyone on the site got a stuffed animal. These two little girls, when asked why they gave us their toys and told to keep them for themselves replied with, "No, you take it. I have more than enough."
Wow.
So many bonds were made. So many good times shared. So many stories to bring back, and so many to keep there. I will forever be changed, and a part of my heart will always be left in Belize.
I have more to say, but I fear that I will start crying, so I'll finish later.
Rakansen
-Hughug- :3 Hahahaha.
posted Jan 21