Always
Posted June 30, 2007
I need to get a couple of things off my chest. You may not want to hear them (in this case read them) but they need to be said. You may not want to read this, but it would mean a lot to mean if you did.
I know you never meant to intenionally hurt me but you did. I forgive you for what happened before (with "the bitch") but I feel as if I mean nothing to you. I know you have changed since the first time we were together but I guess I made the mistake of hoping I could get the man i loved before back. Don't get me wrong, I do love you now. More than I did before to tell you the truth. I just wish I Knew how you truly feel about me. If I even have a chance of being loved by you or even having a place in your heart.
At times I find myself asking if you ever truly loved me or if it was an act. Then I tell myself that if that was true, then I wouldn't be here. If you truly knew how I felt about you, you would understand that I would do anything to stay with you. At times I feel like you are the only one that knows the real me and at other time you treat me like I'm a complete stranger. Some nights when we sleep, you hold me and I feel like nothng could hurt me or go wrong, but when you are awake you act like I am a disease. I just don't understand you anymore. I thought I did, but I guess I don't. How can you have someone love you as much as I do and you not love them back. I have always loved you. I never stopped just as I told you I wouldn't. Actually I honestly love you more than I did before. You are the love of my life even if I'm not yours. I know you love Julianna more than anything, but that is understandable. She is your daughter, your flesh and blood. I don't know what I am to you. Since we have been back together you have only told me you loved me twice. And both times I was so pissed off or upset that I don't know if you truly meant it or just said it to cheer me up. Honestly I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you and I wish I could have the man you were before the bitch. I know you can't commit your whole heart to me, but all I want is little piece of it. When you hold me in your arms, I feel safe and needed. When you kiss me, I feel like you want me with you. Just being with you, riding around and hanging out together, makes me feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I know you aren't a very affectionate person, but you weren't always like that. We used to have fun times. We would horse around without beating the fuck out of each other, just lay in bed and talk about you and stuff that happened when you were little, and hold each other and just fall asleep in each others arms. I miss those days. I miss making love to you and knowing that you do loved me. But then there are the times when all you do is contradicted yourself. I often ask myself if you even want to be with me. You say if you didn't I wouldn't be here but, I would like to know once in a while that you do wat me to be here. That you do care about me or even love me. In all I'm not asking much. I just want your love and affection. I miss the passion between us. I'm not talk about the sex, I'm talking about the love have for each other or at least the love we had for each other. What I trying to say is that I want the man I fell in love with back. I have been through a lot of shit in the pass two to three years. I can't handle losing the only man I have ever truly loved, YOU! Losing Wayne and my grandmother was hard enough. I can't lose you too, not again. Just understand that I love you and always will. No matter how you feel about me, I always will!!
