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Toria's Latest Random Thoughts

Sooo... What's new in my life? Let's see. I have a job!!!! And a boyfriend. An amazing boyfriend. I know, I know. I wasn't planning on trying to date guys again. In fact, I had a really bad crush on this one girl... But the relationship with the girl was impossible, and I really wanted to make things work with the guy. I dated him a couple years ago... and majorly fucked things up then. So, after a year and a half of not seeing each other, and dating other people, we got back together. We are so incredibly different... it's weird. I like it. I guess I have that horrible habit of being attracted to people who have a lot in common with me. Meaning, the type of person who I could talk for hours with about animal rights and politics and the future and math and theatre and dance. Not like him. At all. Even our music tastes are somewhat different. It's absolutely crazy. But damn, I love him so much. It still feels sort of backwards in this weird sort of way. For the year and a half that I dated other people, those people were all girls, all shorter than me (just by coincidence... but I do have a thing for short girls), and were all somewhat girly (whereas I'm not so much). So now I have to be the girl in the relationship.... and it is creepy. Definitely takes some getting used to. But I.... I am so happy. I'm somewhat frustrated because I don't get to see him often. And frustrated because it seems like there are a million ways that our relationship is doomed. But none of that matters.... especially not when I'm in his arms. But anyways.... Oh yes, the other good news in my life. I have a job!!!!!!!!!! I just can't get over that fact. It's music promotion stuff. It's awesome. I love it. Almost as much as I love to dance. Almost... Not quite. I'm still dancing like crazy. I haven't ever danced so hard... ever. It's like I'm finally getting towards where I want to be. I'm finally starting to look more professional, finally starting to get those difficult combinations, finally satisfying some of my goals. You have no idea how difficult that is, to satisfying myself. My goals are insane. Honestly, when I set my goals, I know that they are crazy, I know it doesn't seem like there is any possible way to achieve them, and I know everybody in the whole damn world thinks I'm overworking myself. But to me, I have no other option, I have to do my best, and I know what that is.... But anyways.... What else is there to say? I still can't sleep like a normal person (thus why I'm updating this at 2 in the morning). Oh crap.... I just realized (after looking at my clock and noticing the date), that today is my mother's birthday.... And I don't have a present for her or anything. Shit. I'll just say she'll get it Saturday (at her surprise party that I haven't planned yet). Crap... I feel really bad now. Oh well, I am going to try to get some sleep, I love you all * hugs and kisses*

Peace, love, and punk rock,
Toria

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Single... (venting, and trying to figure things out)

So... My girlfriend and I broke up... I didn't think I'd cry. I really didn't. I mean, I knew it was coming. I had actually expected it sooner. But, whatever. I cried. I miss her. We were together a year and one month. That is a very very very long time. We are still friends, we didn't fight or anything, in fact it was probably the happiest break up there could possibly be. It wasn't anything bitter or angry or anything. She just met some guy, a really awesome guy, who is about 1,300 miles closer to her than me. He seems really sweet, pretty trustworthy, the kind of guy I don't mind her dating. In fact, if I had to lose her to somebody, I'm really glad it's a guy like him. But I digress. We didn't fight, we had a more or less normal conversation. She was so happy, happier than I had heard her in a very long time. And that is good. Honestly, that helped me a lot, to know that she is truly happy with him. But damn, I love her. It hurts, to know that some other guy is going to get to kiss her, hold her, laugh with her, spend time with her. It really hurts... Heh, I told her a long time ago that she fit perfectly into my arms. Now it sort of feels like there is something missing there. It's hard to explain. It's just like this gnawing sort of ache and that feeling like I'm still going to cry... and I just want to hold her, kiss her one more time, and just tell her that no matter what, she'll always mean a lot to me, and I'll always cherish all those memories of us. But she knows that, she knows how much she means to me, and I suppose in some weird way that helps too. We are still friends, I hope nothing could change that. But it is driving me crazy. I still see her in my dreams, still find myself daydreaming about her, still wonder about what could have been. What the fuck? I really have seen this whole break up thing coming, I knew it was going to happen, and I expected it a while ago. I should be prepared, I should be able to just deal with this and let it go. So I guess right now I'm trying to vent it all out. It's so weird though... I've never ever ever known a break up like this. There is no mystery as to why it happened, no anger about it, no fighting, not even the hint of anger towards each other. It was simply like some sort of mutual consent to remain best friends, but date other people. But my heart just isn't computing that, the fact that she is no longer my girlfriend. I guess that will just take time. I don't want to just jump into another relationship to help me move on, either. I guess I have a lot of stuff I need to figure out on my own, one year was a hell of a long time to spend with somebody, especially somebody like her. She was, and is, the most amazing person I know. Well, since I've pretty much vented as much as I possibly could for the moment, I shall leave it as this. I love her, I'm so glad that she is truly happy, I'm so fucking lonely I could shoot someone, but I know that I'll be ok, this is the best possible ending to a beautiful relationship.

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My Mental Disorder lol

.:What's Your Personailty Disorder?:. {Beautiful Dark Pics}

.:Obsessive-Conposlive:. ~Summary~ Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.~Symptoms~-Need for perfection and excessive discipline -Preoccupation with orderliness -Inflexibility -Lack of generosity -Hyper-focus on details and rules -Excessive devotion to work Take this quiz!






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missing her

So... I am missing my girlfriend. Really really missing her. And feeling lonely. The kind of lonely you can only feel late at night when you are separated from the person who means the most to you. 1,300 miles is a long ways to be separated. And she is one of those amazing people that can always make you feel better when she's around. I haven't even been able to really talk to her lately. It is driving me crazy. I'll still wake up, every now and then, wondering where she is. She spent about three weeks with me over the summer, the best three weeks I think I've ever had, honestly. But, after she left, I felt so awful. It was like I was missing the thing that meant the most to me, and no matter how hard I looked I couldn't find it, it was just gone. I would wake up, frantically looking for her because she wasn't at my side, only to realize she wouldn't be there again for a long time. And then, of course, I would start crying. Now, this is crazy for me. Because I really don't cry much. Before this summer, I cried maybe once or twice over the past two years. But, that week after she left, I didn't do much else. I don't cry as much anymore (it's been a bit over a month since she left), but god, it still hurts to wake up and not have her there with me, still hurts to need her and not be able to see her, really hurts not to even be able to talk to her that much (stupid schedule). I guess I just want her back, here, in my arms... right now. It's so weird, writing all this has actually made me feel like I'm about to cry again. I don't know, she is so close to me, when she is with me there is nothing that could compare to it. When she's lying in my arms, her hair in my face, her legs wrapped around mine, it seems like nothing could possibly hurt me, no bad memories to deal with, no family issues, nothing. She is like a sister and a best friend and a girlfriend all rolled into one. Saying that she is my closest friend is an understatement, it's like she's a fucking part of me. So, being away from her is so hard, too hard to describe. And therefore, being alone at night is ten billion times harder. Don't get me wrong, I love nighttime, and I usually enjoy being alone. But, when you realize just how alone you are, and start getting all paranoid and shit, it is just not that great. So, I guess to summarize all my complaints, I love my girlfriend and miss her so much, I am lonely as hell, and I am so tired but can't sleep. Tonight really fucking sucks.

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An Update On The Life Of Toria

So, it's been a while since I've posted a blog. Well, I've been busy... In a good way! My dance schedule will be monday evenings, wednesday evenings, and saturday mornings. This will not include rehearsals. These are just my classes. So, for all you dearest friends out there who actually want to spend time with me, I had you in mind when I didn't overload myself this time. But anyways... if anybody knows where I might find a cheap drumset in good condition... or better yet, a free drumset in mediocre condition, please let me know. I really want to learn the drums. I already have the music knowlege I need to teach myself. I just need some drums. I am taking this semester off of piano lessons, due to schedule issues and money issues. It sucks, because I really really wanted to take them this semester. Also, I am postponing guitar lessons for the time being. I had a group I was going to learn with, but it also didn't fit the whole crazy dance schedule. I know, it doesn't sound like much. But, when you add rehearsals in on the days I don't have class, and figure the hour drive to and from dance, it is a hell of a lot. Plus school. Plus family responsibilities and all that jazz. I have no time for myself. Ugh.

In the quest for beautiful, undiscovered music, I have come across some pretty cool stuff. My amazing girlfriend got me hooked on Crooked Edge and Action Toolbelt. They are really great. Ludo is an awesome St. Louis band with a nice indie sort of sound, definitely worth listening to. Suburban Tragedy is seriously good shit. A Permanent Holiday is definitely one of the best bands I've heard in a while, you should go check out their myspace. Rasputina is a cello trio with some seriously unique stuff. If you are into the whole queercore sound, definitely check out The Butchies. Damone has a great lead singer with a nice sound and pretty good lyrics. The Subways aren't too bad, though a lot of my friends seem to like them, I'm getting sort of sick of them... However, they are great to listen to one or twice at least. I was going through my old cds, and found some Dragonforce. Been a while since I've heard them, but definitely worth revisiting. The Morning Of is pretty unique, and they have a great musical lineup and a pretty cool sound. Also, I recently found a pretty cool band called Eyes Like Aster here on purevolume. You should all go check them out. I am eternally searching for new bands (or old ones that didn't get the attention they deserved). So, if you know of a somewhat unknown band with a great sound and real talent, let me know.

So, I have been trying everything, and I have found no cure for insomnia. I'm not talking about having trouble falling asleep. I mean, I can lay in bed and stare at my ceiling till five in the morning, and then, maybe, go to sleep for about 5 hours. No, I'm not intentionally keeping myself up. No, I'm not hyped up on caffeine. No, I'm not on anything else. I can be perfectly calm, relaxed, maybe even tired, and not be able to sleep until way late. Any suggestions? I know if I take two sequential maximum doses of Tylenol, I can fall asleep after a little while... but I prefer not to drug myself just to go to sleep. I want a none-liver killing alternative, if possible.

Well, to finish my humungouso dissertation on everything new in Toria's life, you all most go read this beautiful poem I found. It is quoted in one of the best books ever written, Cannery Row, by Steinbeck. Within the last few pages of the book, Steinbeck quotes sections of "Black Marigolds", an ancient love poem translated from Sanskrit. It is WAY long, fifty stanzas to be exact. However, it is worth reading. Though parts of it seem redundant, you need to read the whole thing to feel the depth of the meaning. It is one of those poems which you leave feeling as if you have known the greatest love, felt the greatest pain, and now stand fulfilled, but empty all at once.

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