PureVolume

Is it weird that I desperately want to be in love. I want to have that feeling that has inspired my most favorite songs, movies , and books.Maybe I don't know how to love. Maybe I'm too shallow. Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe I let the right guy already slip through my fingers. Maybe I am too desperate. I don't know what it is about me that attracts the wrong guys or makes me unappealing to the guys who I believe are my type. Don't get me wrong the guys in my life right now are great people. Its pretty obvious that they're in love with me but I don't return the feeling. I'm so scared that i want to be in love so badly that I will fall for the wrong person. I'm so scared that I continue to push guys away.

Anywho I need love. It has become more than a want. It has become an unhealthy obsession that has taken over my entire life. I find myself constantly thinking and dreaming of being happily married...but I never see the grooms face. I want God to just unveil to me who it is that I am destined to be with. Things do feel right with one guy but sometimes i do wonder if he's really for me. Same deal with another guy. Both of them are fantastic guys who really love me and care for me...well so they say. But I can't help but wonder whether or not its real. What if its all an act, a facade that they trick me into to get wanted the y wanted and then be done with me. I know its a terrible thing to think but I am trying to be realistic and although I would love to believe that there is good in every one I cannot help but think these thoughts. I hate that I actually think that the words they constantly speak to me could just be fake. But do you blame me? I'm not one to trust others...ever. Maybe I'm just crazy....who knows.

I honestly believe that my life will cease to start until I have found the one I am destined to be with. I'll never know why I am so infatuate with love. Is it the feeling that it gives? Am I jealous that I'm not in love? Do I need love to be truly happy? I honestly don't know the answer to any of these questions All I know is that love has completely consumed my ever being. Life will be better for me if I'm in love. Is that ignorant for me to say? The Beatles must be right: All you need is love. I honestly feel as if my existence is utterly meaningless. I feel that my purpose on this earth is to love: give love, show love, be love, dream love, eat love breathe love, speak love, write love, draw love, wear love. Just love, everything and everyone. But how can I do this if I don't really have a full understanding of what that might be. When I find the right person will I instantly understand everything about love?

Anyway Love is my true passion, its my only passion. Its all I care, dream, and think about. I'll never understand d fully why I am like this? It's so pathetic it's almost comical. These are all things I have kept bottled inside of me for years now. I am probably one of the very few 11 year olds that was dreaming up her wedding and picking songs and colors and my bridesmaids (which have changed amongst the years along with my friends). When will I find the love of my life? Where will I find him? Have I already found him? Am I looking at the right guy? How did we or will we meet? And most importantly Who is he? These are the questions that keep me up at night. If people knew how completely obsessed I was with love and marriage, they would think I was completely insane. I am not arguing that statement at all. I do need some help to find out who this mystery or not so mystery man is. I want to see if i'm on the right path, if I'm with the right guy because it petrifies me that I could possible marry the wrong person. Once I'm married thats it: til death do you part and I live by that. I don't want to spend my life in a loveless marriage. I see it all too often and I don't want to be that woman. But I also don't want to be in a one sided relationship. He has to feel for me what I feel for him.

I know I'm way too young to be worried about this but still have a heart and this is literally my entire heart poured out into this blog. I'm not looking for advice or help or anything really. This is just how I have felt for the longest time and it was eating me alive. Some of the things I have said may not even be true tomorrow morning. Maybe its just how I'm feeling now...who knows? I may be physically and mentally young but mentally and soulfully I am much older. I am reatless and clearly impatient on this subject matter. Is it crazy that I literally get "love sick" even though I'm not in love? I don't know maybe I should go to a therapist or a psychiatrist. I could probably get some pills out of it. Kidding =p

Thanks for Reading
Peace n Love
Faith