i f*ck up sometimes
Posted August 8, 2006
So maybe,
I fuck up.
But first,
How I got that way.
I figured out that "Love stinks."
is an understatement.
If you've ever really and truly
Been in love, and had your heart broken,
it's worse than a million needles
In each eye
And 40 nails in each foot.
The damage can't be repaired
No matter how hard you try.
It's not just terrible,
It's indescribably vile.
So taught by my best friend Kyle,
the one I fell in love with...
The one that broke my heart,
Over and over again...
until blood ran out my ears.
Now, for my fucked up stories.
First, it was Davis.
I met him at a party.
He seemed cool,
so I gave him my IM.
Turns out he lived in Broomfield.
Like, 45 minutes away.
Long distance, not friendly.
I kind of forgot we were going out.
Then James came along.
And I started dating him.
That was around the time...
Davis said he loved me.
Terrible, I know.
I couldn't break his heart.
Tell him I liked this guy James more.
He was more mature, way cuter.
Way older but hell if that mattered to me.
So I dated both of them.
Till mom found out about how old James was.
Told me to cut the cord or punishment forever.
I was totally fucking heartbroken.
I almost fell in love with the kid.
About a week later,
I cut the cord with Davis.
Guilt+Long distance=Annoying.
Then Ian.
He made me... depressed somehow.
He cared, a lot.
But the way he cared...
Made me feel unimportant.
So we broke up.
Davis again.
Then Ian again.
Davis again.
I dumped them both too many times to count.
Every time I had a different reason.
And every time I liked neither of them more than the other.
I kept waiting for Kyle to come back to me...
It never happened.
Unbelieveable how terribly I hurt them.
Somehow they both still care.
I wish I didn't have to be their first real love.
I know how that feels.
To feel so perfect
And then get crushed over and over.
Then, life-changing.
I came out of the closet.
For this girl that was absolutely perfect.
Her name is Alex.
We had so much in common;
I swore we were soulmates.
I fell in love.
I thought I was careful not to let myself again,
But I did.
And so hard I still find it hard to breathe
In her presence.
But she had other reservations.
A person by the name of Jared.
My deep desire for connection with my old best friend,
Was with the same strangth she loved Jared still.
So she broke my heart, like I broke those of others.
And I deserved it.
I had become the person I never wanted to be.
And she was doing the same thing I did, out of desperation.
A couple months later, after my last ordeal with Ian,
I became friends with Jared and his friends.
I went out with Jacque.
I really liked the girl.
It was only after we started dating
That I realized Alex was pissed we were going out,
And I only liked her as a friend.
Sure, she's beautiful,
But we're too close.
It was weird thinking of kissing her.
So, I broke up with her.
Made everyone mad...
I have the reputation now of a heartbreaker.
And now,
the sad part.
Jared had a girlfriend, Brooke.
That I was getting to know,
we were friends.
They had been dating for
10 months.
I figured, I should get to know him.
We emailed for a while,
I started to like him.
So, i stopped myself.
I don't like getting involved with
breaking people up.
Then, end of school, he writes
in my yearbook that I'm really beautiful.
I was beaming in the hallway...
Alex took my yearbook and read it.
She looked so mad she could have killed me.
Brooke found out.
End of that relationship.
He told me he liked me the night after he dumped her.
Me, losing half my friends.
Him losing half of his for a while.
We decided to go out.
Best choice I've made so far.
I like this kid so much.
And even though my friends hate me,
it's worth it.
I have the man of my dreams.
I love you, Jared.
And Kyle?
Ancient history.
