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CRIS27
saltnlite
JC, TN
ThisIsNotYourWar
United States
BlackbeardxThexPirate
United States
Dependent_On _Him
Frisco, TX
I Decided To Kill Myself
Another game. Another failure. Story of my life. I decided that life wasn't worth living.
by Steven James
I'll never forget the night I wrote that note. It was a rainy Friday in late February, and our high school basketball team had just lost a crucial game. Since I was a co-captain, I felt like a failure. And I didn't know what to do.
So I decided to kill myself.
After the game, my mom and dad had quietly driven me home from school. Dad could sense I was really down about the loss. When we got home, he started telling me it was no big deal. "It's just a game," he said, trying to comfort me. "There's always next week." Typical Dad stuff. I nodded like I agreed with him. Then I went into my room, closed the door, and slumped onto my bed. I'd made a turnover late in the game, and when I looked back at the night, that's all I saw. It was all my fault. I'd let everyone down.
Another game. Another failure. Story of my life, I thought. So I went over to my desk, pulled out a single sheet of paper, and grabbed a pen.
And there, surrounded by the posters of all my basketball heroes, as rain splattered against my window from the storm outside, I carefully wrote the note.
No One to Talk to
A couple of months earlier, my basketball coach had called me into his office.
"Steve, I need to tell you something."
I sat down in the chair by his desk. "What's that, Coach?" I said, trying to sound casual. But I had this sick feeling in my gut. I hadn't been playing that great lately.
"Steve, I'm not going to be able to start you after the Christmas break," Coach said. "You just haven't been producing like I was hoping."
But I'm a co-captain! I'm a senior! How can you do this to me? The words screamed in my head. I'd spent four years practicing basketball all summer longgoing to camps, running, working out, lifting weights. What was worse, I knew who was going to start in my placea sophomore with an attitude problem. Because I "hadn't been producing," I was a failure. That's what my coach was really telling me.
As bad as I felt, I pushed my feelings down deep inside. I simply told him I understood and I was glad to do whatever was best for the team. I shook his hand and left.
It seemed like things had just gotten worse since then. Beth, this girl I liked and was thinking about asking out, started dating some other guy. My grades weren't as good as I thought they should have been. I felt like nothing was going right. Like everything was spinning out of control. Like my life was unraveling one thread at a time.
On the outside, my life looked pretty goodco-captain of a hoops team that had won the state championship the year before, nice Christian home, honor studentbut on the inside I felt totally empty and alone.
God, how could you let this happen to me?
I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't think my parents would understand. They were nice enough, but all we ever talked about was surface stuff. Nothing really deep. Nothing that really mattered. And a lot of my friends were like that, too. We just hung around together, but we never really brought up our real problems. I was in a pattern of holding my sadness inside instead of trying to share my feelings with someone who would listen and sympathize. I let my pain build until I felt like I was in a lonely, desperate place with no way out. Without any place to turn.
And then, in the basketball game, I'd turned over the ball. It was my fault that we lost.
It was like that dumb turnover was the last straw.
So I wrote the note.
And I meant what I wrote. I had a plan: I'd use the car and drive into a bridge abutment. I knew how and I knew when. The words just spilled out of my heart onto the page like ugly little insects crawling from my pen.
"I'm worthless! I'm nothing! I'm no one! I'd be better off dead!"
They'll Be Sorry!
I sat there by myself for a long time, reading and re-reading the note, my heart thumping in my chest. This'll show'em. This'll show 'em all. Tomorrow, I'll do it. Tomorrow night. Then they'll be sorry.
I just wanted someone to pay for my rotten feelings. Maybe my coach, or the girl who dumped me, or the popular kids who could never make room for me in their inner circle. They would feel guilty, and that would be my revenge.
For just an instant, I thought, But if people don't really care about me, why would they be sorry that I'm dead?
But then, I heard another voice. Go on. Do it. There's no point to your life anyway.
When I'd finished the note, I tucked it in the bottom of my gar-bage can so no one would see it. My plan was to pull it out the next night and set it on my desk where my parents or the police or who-ever could find it at just the right time. Then I tried to go to sleep.
But all I could think about were the painful moments I'd been through during the last few months. They cut into my heart like shards of broken glass. One moment after another. Stuff that would probably seem stupid to someone else, but it didn't seem stupid to me at the time. I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. And I just couldn't shake my despair.
Is this all there is? I wondered. You just live for a little while, get lost in the shuffle, and then you die? Does any of it even matter? I wish there was a place where I could fit into this world. I just wish I mattered to someone.
I'd been going to church all my life, but the truth was, I hadn't yet found real hope or faith in Christ.
Somebody Cares
When I got up the next morning, I wasn't feeling quite as bad as the night before. Maybe because I'd made my decision. I just sat and played video games in the living room.
Then my mom walked into the room. Tears streaked her face.
She was holding the note.
At first I was furious. I yelled at her for invading my privacy and going through my stuff, but she said it just fell out when she was emptying the trash. Then my dad came in and we were all yelling and crying and angry and sad and hurting at the same time. And there was all this emotion erupting all over the room until finally my dad just told everyone to calm down, and that we needed to talk about it calmly. So we tried. It was really awkward and no one knew what to say, but just seeing how concerned my parents were made a difference.
And I was actually relieved Mom found the note. Deep down, I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to die; I just wanted to live and know my life mattered. As we talked, as they showed concern, I realized I was important. I was valuable. I was loved. I mattered. My life mattered. My life, not my death. It was like a light suddenly went on in a dark room.
My problems weren't all magically solved that day. But God started me on a journey in which I eventually found the life and hope I'd been yearning for. In him. I also discovered why my life was important. It was important because God said it was important.
Jesus cared enough about me to give up everything, suffer in my place, and offer me forgiveness so I could have hope and a new life. That's how much I matter to him. That's how much he loves me.
I also realized that God's love is unconditional. He accepts me, forgives me, and loves me, whether or not I win a basketball game or get a date, pass a test or lose my job. God cares about me as I am, not for what I do. His love is the source of my worth.
One night I remember praying, "All my life I've been calling myself a Christian, but, God, help me to start living out what I've been telling people I believe." And it was only then that God really became number one in my life.
And, just like it wasn't one thing that caused me to want to take my life, it wasn't just one thing that helped heal me. Prayer helped because it reminded me how much God cares for me. Getting things out in the open with some of my friends also helped.
There have been dark times in my life since then. But now I know God's answer to despair is not suicide. It's stopping to think how much I'm loved by God. It's realizing this verse is so trueeven when I'm feeling sad and worthless:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17). I realized that God was delighting in and rejoicing over me! I'll never forget that God doesn't allow me to have any problems he's not also willing to help me handle.
I would have never discovered that truth if I'd actually done what I wrote that night in the note.
Deep Roots
The storms of life won't harm you if you have deep roots in God.
In Matthew 13: 3-6, Jesus told this parable: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root." One point Jesus makes in this parable is that people without deep roots in God will fall away from faith whenever persecution or trials come on account of the word (see Matthew 13: 20-21).
Similarly, Jesus encourages his followers to build their house (i.e. their life) on "the rock" (Matthew 7: 24-7). Even though the wind and storms beat against that house, it did not crumble because it was founded on the rock. If you have deep roots in God, your life will be built on the RockChrist. As one hymn says, "On Christ alone I stand, all else is sinking sand."
It is no surprise, then, that Paul encourages believers to be rooted and built up in Christ, strengthened in the faith (Colossians 2:6-7). If you are strengthened in faith, then you won't crack under the pressure of difficult situations because you will be able to dig deeply into the word of God on which you are firmly grounded. Unfortunately, too many Christians have a cracked foundation.
Make it a priority to have deep roots in God so that you will not wither under the heat of life. Invest time into reading and memorizing God's word, praying, and communing with God. Be rooted in God.
Why Would God Forgive Me?
Who is a God like you, who pardons sins and forgives the transgressions of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight in showing mercy. (Micah 7:18-19)
When I read these verses, I get a mental picture of God pushing my sins off a cliff, where they'll never be seen again. What a great God!
God doesn't want anyone to sin, but he knows we will. That's why he provided a way for us to have complete forgiveness through his son Jesus. And he not only gives us a way out, he's excited about forgiving us. The Bible says he delights in showing us mercy.
If you're like me and you sometimes wonder if God can really forgive, remember that God will always forgive us when we sincerely ask him to
Feel Like Quitting?
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
When weak and broken down, God gives us a hand to stand up and keep fighting!!
starlight_glow
hey i\'m doing great! soo since i see we have a few
bands that we both like i\'ll ask you.. have you
heard about Cornerstone Festival??? it\'s in OC in
September.. Underoath, Dizmas, Anberlin and more bands
are playing... you should deifnitely go.. I\'ll be
there! :]
posted Jul 26
+ Underdog
hey.. here\'s a four month late reply.. woops.. not
playin\' anymore.. nope.. not in a band atleast.. and
as for what God\'s got me doin\'.. I\'m goin\' to
school to be a DCO.. Director of Christian Outreach..
my job is to get people out on the streets witnessing..
or wherever.. you should check out my favorite
website.. www.wayofthemaster.com later..
posted Jul 26
nlabhart
whats up! check out my band, we are coming to
California to play at the world famous Whisky a Gogo
this summer on July 12th. Hope you can make it out to
the show!
Volume
favorite artists. Thanks!
posted Apr 10
Chauntecleer
Hello there! Click on the picture to listen!!!
Hit me back and be a
D">friend!!! Thanks and God bless, Rich
posted Mar 21
3733ZOE
Hey!
posted Feb 08
3733ZOE
whats up LA? like ur taste in music... Ur like the
oposite of me in photos vs bands (# tht is) It takes
too long to add artists for me for some reason. Mayb im
just overwhelmed b/c i love \"music\" pnt blnk period n
feel it wud take forever to do it justice. Photos on
the other hand I have plenty of, i have a thing for
capturing moments...in word and in time...God Bless!
Hope 2 hear frm ya!
posted Feb 06
sn 0 rmonster
Ghallo! Please take a listen at my band. If you don\'t
feel like it...welll, YOU BETTER...please! hope ur day
r0ck further on! www.purevolume.com/furniss
posted Jan 27