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CAMILLE ELIZABETH
Age: 17
Location: [9.5.2] MINNESOTA
Joined On: Apr 23, 2006
Website: www.myspace.com/camillerides...
JoNnY NaPaLm
...i forgottt
Empty Handed
Miami Lakes
pinkrazors_vainxx
90210 ♥
Sk8nDestroy
Sierra Vista, AZ
im never on here so add me on myspace
if i do come on here i will probably reply back really late
my name is Camille Elizabeth.
im 16 years old.
im from Minnesota
im a sweetheart, get to know me befor you jusde me
add me on myspace!!!!!!
myspace.com/camilleridesburton
Killing me sinside
I don't even know where to start. It seems like my whole life I have not had the support that I have needed from you guys ever. I have tried so hard, so many times to show you guys through my whole life what I am about and who I am before your eyes, but all that has been there has been denial and doubt that I will ever make it to where you guys are now.
To me in my eyes you guys are nothing but problems to each other and nothing but always forgiving I guess it is so easy letting yourselves be broken and miserable so many times over and over and over again. Is that what love is suppose to look like is that suppose to be my role models before my eyes in front of me when I see you guys?
Should I take after what you guys have laid before me? I wouldn't do it if my life depended on it. I haven't had a role model from you guys.
I have had to look for others or create my own in my sick dark world.
The distance grows from you guys day by day ad I become a ghost with the wind that travels through the misty air of the house, but yet I am voiceless and I am not seen. In the way I want you guys to see me as.
Maybe I do not do good in school or making money
But I sure do have good damn social skills something that you guys need to do without the alcohol. And yes I do admit I have touched alcohol and drugs I made up my mind then that I never wanted to sip beer or hard liquor again drugs I never want touch I have seen how fucked upped people get from that as in you mom. Note to self for you guys I am sick of this scene.
You guys wouldn't know me if it were to crush you in the fucking chest.
I mean we all make mistakes yes, but parenting is one thing you shouldn't do with that because that's when the son or daughter will rebel against you and fight to get the freedom he has so ever longed for. The daughter that you think you love slowly drifts away from you without you ever knowing because you guys are to busy to notice. She wants her freedom her chance to see what's out there with no restrictions on her even if she is not an adult. You have tried so many times to kick me out for what, simply not having a job?
That's the worst feeling anyone could ever have
If you haven't noticed I can not look at both of you in the eyes and that's what so sad about my life I remember when I could look at you dad and say you are my hero, now I do not have a hero a figure, I have nothing, mom I remember when I looked at you and seen someone stand there grounds for what they believe in now I see someone who gets thrown around by a drunk man who says he loves you? Is that love not in my eyes. Here is me whispering the words I have always wanted to say. At least you know how I feel.
I won't forget the moments that I have had with everyone here I won't forget the times that I have these are the things that should be better left unsaid.
You guys always have some other place that you would rather be than right next to me right. My whole life I would have to say I believe it.
It was always in me to bite my tongue; are these the things better left unsaid?
I believe not. Even when I close my eyes I see wrong here.With you guys you keep everything inside with you I see that I can see it all when I close my eyes and fall to the bed as a fist comes to my face.
You guys have picked on me far to much to stop and listen to my screaming voice in your face. I will not let you control my fate while I hold the weight of the world on my conscious. Even when I am not with you. Your with me the haunting memories will never go away. Don't dare to try to say you don't care no I am not upset no I am not angry this is me at my breaking point. I will always be with you as the daughter that you have eagerly tried to put behind you while you feel my soft warm tainted breath on your shoulders.
And know I will not let you take me to the end of my road while you burn and torture my soul I am not you puppet and I am not the daughter you think you know this is my heart. This is my thoughts. This is the daughter that you both had. I won't stand here and watch you make a fool of me. I will never stand for that ever. I am not your fucking puppet
I have tried so many times to make things work and get a balance going here has anything ever worked well you guys look back at all that has happened. Is this is a home? Or just a place to get my ass tossed around by a drunken mans words and a miserable wife who has no advice to give because she is so lost in her own words to save herself oh and dad I am not a leach if I had my choice I wouldn't even been your daughter if I seen how you made every move before I was born I sure as hell wouldn't have taken your side.
This isn't a house this is fucking insanity.
You guys are murders who come with smiles
Mark these as my famous last words
Where is your mind and heart
I couldn't change anything here even if I died
think of this what you will
Think of this what you will. Read it, don't read it. I just need a big outburst whether you think it's whining or attention seeking or not. A big outlet. Need to use my way with words to just let it all out. Create an action plan for myself to get my life back on track. I understand there's a hell of a lot of people who have suffered a lot more than me. Everyone has problems. I'm not saying that I've been through more than you. I probably haven't. But for once I need to stop thinking about what others think, I need to concentrate on ME without caring what people will think of me for doing so... Need to let MY OWN weight off MY OWN shoulders rather than everyone else piling up their problems on time of mine and weighing me down even more. You won't get these outbursts from me very often. I haven't done one in a while. I probably won't again for a long time.
So, I've reached a point in my life where everything needs a big rethink. I need to start afresh. I need everything to change, and I mean EVERYTHING.
It's really tough. My life had got into a state where I was just a complete emotional wreck. Everything was falling apart. Then I had the few happyest weeks of my life. And then yet again everything falls apart and I'm left in a rut. Back where I was before. Except quite a bit worse.
If nothing else, it's made me realise that I need to sort things out. I can't carry it on anymore. Everything needs to change drastically.
Right now I'm at a stage where I can just so easily fall apart. If I let my guard down for a split second then that's whats going to happen. But I need to keep going. Ive found that the only way I personally can carry on is by just bottling up my emotions and feelings and blocking them out. I know that bottling up feelings is the last thing anyone thinks they should do, but this is seriously my only option. By letting my feelings out I'm only going to carry on being the emotional wreck that I was merely a month ago and the many months preceeding that. By letting my feelings out I'm only going to cause myself to lose even more people around me. By letting my feelings out I lose concentration, I lose focus. So therefore from now on I need to just block it all out. Become emotionless. I'm not going to let my feelings and emotions control me anymore or scare anyone off anymore. Because to be honest, that's all it was doing. Making me spiral further and further downwards to a point of no return, when that's the last thing I need.
The past few days I've done a lot of thinking about me, my life, where I'm going. I've had no sense of direction, no idea about anything. I've been stuck in a routine which I was going through with just for the sake of it, just because I felt I had no other option, even though it's been making me unhappy. I've always worried what other people think about me too much. I've always hated everything about myself.
something just suddenly hit me. For once, I suddenly felt happy being me. I shouldn't be ashamed of myself like I always have been. I should be happy being me. I felt confident in myself, and for the first time ever this was genuine confidence. In the past I've never thought I deserved anything, that people never liked me, that there was nothing special about me in any shape or form whatsoever. I'm so sick of walking past people and always thinking they're laughing at me. I'm sick of that feeling so much and I've put up with it ALL my life. I don't need to think that. I am an amazing person and people should feel proud to know me. I'm kind, considerate, caring and gentle. I care so much for my true friends. I may be shy at times but I'm never ignorant or stuck up, I'm a friendly, dee and meaningful person. People who know me properly seem to like me enough. There's got to be something about me that they like. Why shouldn't everyone else like me? Why should I feel that everyone couldn't give a toss about me? I'm a good person. I have a lot more potential in life than some. I am talented, creative.. I'm not as grotesque and vulgar as I've been told so many times and have been made to feel all my life.
I've had to put up with so much shit in my life. There's a few people who probably think they know quite a lot of it. Truth is they don't even know half. Not one single person knows the true extent of everything. It's a lot I've had to cope with. The past few years I've struggled to cope so bad that I've resorted to methods I really shouldn't have resorted to to let the pain go. I can't do that anymore. It doesn't work. In the long run it just makes things worse.
Some people on the outside seem to think I've had it easy in this life but they couldn't be further from the truth. I'm obviously not going to go into deep detail about EVERYTHING in a blog, but it's been hard. Things that were done, said, and I had to witness from such an early age still stick with me. Every so often they crop up again and again and I have to literally scream and shout to stop people from pounding them back into my head. Memories from growing up and recently still haunt me. Times were tough. Sometimes they were more than tough. . With my dad and all my family never being there for me. i sill can rember what ive gone through with my dad it hurts to think about it, but it happend and i cant change the past. Other times my family has never really been there for me and my mom. we have always been on our own. ive almost had to live not in a house lets just say because of my dad and other things that went on. the love of my life passing away on my birthday when if could have been prevented. my mom treating me like shit all the time when she drinks. my brother in jail. my friends are being pushed away with out me reconizing it. my heart being in the worst stage ever in my life. But i always tried to never let that get me down even though that was hard to go through and im not going to say everything that happend because i dont want peoples sympathy i jsut want to get it all out be honset with people show people who i really am not just this gril on mysapce or just camille im so much more then that and a lot of people dont relize that its really sad to know that but i cant do anything about what they do or what they say or how they think.
Thankfully after a year and a half things changed and I've met some amazing people at highschool who are not only great people to hang around with but are also so awesomely talented and inspire me so much inside and outside of highschool and who help me get through each week. And then my life started going on an up as I started hanging around with them. At the same time, I was losing so many things, losing people who meant the world to me... people who I've not had a chance to say goodbye to. That's one thing that hurts me more than anything. When I'm trying to let go of someone, I need a goodbye.. I need an ending... I need it to feel finished for me to be able to get over it. When it all ends so suddenly, it doesn't sink in. There's stuff and people around this time in my life that I've lost and will never get back, and it still gets to me to this day because I never got a chance to give an ending to it all.
First few months of going to highschool, I was gaining confidence and I thought I was finally getting what I'd always longed for. True friends, true confidence in myself. But it was all a lie. Fake image, fake confidence, it wasn't me at all. I looked a mess tbh, but for some reason I felt more confident when I looked like that than I have since and before. I felt like when people were staring or laughing, I could just blame it on my image... That way it didn't hurt me as much. Because it was something as obvious as my hair or what i was wearing, nothing to do with me as a person.. just all this fake persona that surrounded me. But that wasn't me. It wasn't me at all. But it kept me content at the time. And then just at the start of summer everything that I thought I had built up and everything I thought that had started making me happy just fell apart. And I realised what a lie everything was and how shallow and fake everything was. I haven't enjoyed highschool one bit since the start of summer. It just became a routine. It was all I was used to. All I had as an opportunity to socialise. The only reason I kept going back was for the people. As time has gone on I've had so much shit with people in highschool and other places. Some that people know about some that people don't. Right now I'm only going back there for 2 or 3 people. They know who they are. Don't get me wrong, I do have other friends there... But they're not close.. And everytime i go to highschool nowadays it just makes me unhappy i may not show it though. It's really not worth how it makes me feel. For once in my life I need to stop thinking about other people and just thinking about what I need as an individual. Of course I still want to see my close friends, but these are the kind of close friends that I don't need to see every week to still feel as close to. I know that they're always going to be there on the other end of the phone or whatever to talk to when I need them. I don't feel like I have to see them every week in order to keep their friendship. They'll always be in my heart, and I'd like to think I'll always be in theirs. They're not as fickle as to completely forget about me just because I haven't seen them in a few weeks.
But yeah. Onto now.
Everything has built up. I got in such an emotional wreck a month ago. EVERYTHING. I wish I had someone to cuddle up to and call 'MINE'. Someone to hold in the cold, walk alongside holding hands with. Someone who's eyes I can stare into and feel like nothing could harm me. .
I've discovered a lot about myself. And this is the section I intended this blog to be about. Look how much waffle it's took me to get here, haha! But I didn't realise how much I needed that above rant. There's a lot of stuff I've not let out before. There's still an awful lot hidden, but that was a nice release. =) ANYWAYS.
I've discovered a lot about myself.
I've discovered I actually feel strong about myself for the first time ever. I feel happy being me. People should be proud to know me. I'm not a bad person like I've been made to feel all my life. I'm not a grotesque monster like I've been made to feel all my life. I am worth something. I am worth people knowing. I'm not just that significant thing that everyone tries their best to pass by. I'm worth more than that. People have no right or reason to treat me like shit or make me feel like shit about myself anymore. You can still call me what you want. You can still act towards me how you want. But I'm not letting your words or actions get me down anymore. I can't. If I let my guard down for a split second it'll all fall apart. I can't let that happen. I need to keep strong. If that means running on Auto-pilot and acting like a robot, then thats what it takes and thats what I'll have to do. I'm still going to care for my friends and stuff, obviously... But I'm not going to let anyone wreck my emotions. All my emotions are still there, but I'm trying and am going to try my best to bottle them up, block them out... Not let anyone get to me.
People will let you down whether they mean to or not. I need to stop depending on other people to make me happy. I need to focus on myself and making sure that myself is all that matters. I've neglected and hated myself for too long. I only have myself to rely on. I know that if I focus and don't let my old ways of thinking or my old trains of thought come back into play then I won't let myself down.
I've decided I really need to sort my life out.
I need a fresh start.
By blocking out all my emotions, it gives me nothing... When I'm sat in my room, with everything blocked out, I can't do anything other than sit in a zombie like state. I need somewhere new to refresh me. New people. New faces. New friendships. New energy to keep me going. I need something new to concentrate on.
I want to properly focus on my music, and art. This year at highschool I've felt more comfortable and more into the course than ever before, but I need to get into it even more. I need to make music, art my life.It needs to be where all my energy is focused. Maybe the bottled up emotions I can let out through my music, and art... Then they won't exactly be 'bottled up' to the extent of causing me heapfuls of pain when they eventually rupture.
I want to get a band together so I can really just focus all my energies into that. I want to be a vocalist plus a drumer. I know that at the moment I'm probably a bit shy, but give me time and I think my confidence on stage will come out. I know it's in there. More than ever I believe that it's in there. I CAN do it. And I think if I can get that confidence on stage it will bring it more and more into my everyday life. Maybe one day I won't have to bottle up my emotions to be able to focus on that. Maybe one day I can open up and be strong at the same time. It's somethign I need to work on. Something I believe I can do.
I need to move away from this place and move on. Get a band together.Get some focus. I want to move out. Move somewhere where there's a good music scene and somewhere where I can really try and make something out of it. But I don't want to move too far. I want the opportunity to come back and get a taste of this place every so often even if I do hate it here now. I know there's some aspects I'll miss when I leave, but I really just need to get out of here. And I also need to stay near to college because that's all I've got to keep me going at the moment.
A stage in my life needs to finally come to an end. I need to put it all behind me and start fresh. Create a new life. One where I can be happy for a change.
And I've given up on wanting a relationship. But I can't deal with the heartbreak. I want the one that's going to last forever and I'm not going to have to end. At this age nothing is forever. Promises are easily broken. Relationships are lucky if they last a few months. I can't deal with that. I've had a taste of what it's like to fall for someone and at least believe theyre falling for you too. It was an amazing feeling. Honestly, I'd do anything to get that feeling back. but I'm the kind of person who finds it incredibly hard to let go. Especially when things end so suddenly. When things don't have an ending. I want the one thats going to last forever. I know that by saying that it'll probably jeopardise me ever getting anyone, but if that's the case then I'll jsut die alone. I've got me. I've got everything I want to focus and work towards. If that means I'm going to have to do it alone, then I guess that's what i'm going to have to do. I can carry on being alone. I'd rather have the true friends who aren't going to say goodbye and aren't going to break my heart. Numerous heartbreaks will only jeopardise everything else I will hopefully have by then. I don't want to go through it again I've gone through more than enough. And it's probaly not a lot to some people, but it's more than enough for me. I can't deal with this kind of pain.
So yeah.
ashleen_loves_her_spacecowboy_alanj
im really hyper i had chocolate covered espresso beans
haha so addicting...so hows school?
posted 1 week ago
ashleen_loves_her_spacecowboy_alanj
hello sweetie how are you today?
posted 1 week ago
alecAZAM [I Don't Believe Your Lies]
haha lol thats ok! =)
ive had like 200 cmnts =S
its insane...
well im just chillin at home.
hbu?
posted 2 week ago
->OG DOOMTRON v66.6
Nothing much, just in class. I'm doing a group project
and I'm fucking pissed. My team are fucking
dumbasses. They all like my ideas, but can't do
shit. I have to help them out on how to work the
computer, haha. But, I have like this big feeling
that overcame me a couple minutes ago. I feel like
extremely sad, but I don't really have anything to be
sad about. It's so weird. Anyways... What about
you?
posted 2 week ago
Rainbow_Girl06
Hey lovely how've you been? i'm all sad... the ski
resort just closed.... no more boarding for eight long
months...
posted 2 week ago
Tyson Promotes
CAMILE BBY HOW U DOING!
posted 3 week ago
sleeping with a soundtrack
hiya whats up? =]
posted Apr 22
alecAZAM [I Don't Believe Your Lies]
heya!
thats k xD
im pretty good =)
hbu?
posted Apr 20