purevolume™

sometimes its good to take a break from the world.
sometimes its good to break free of familiarity.
sometimes its good just to have a best friend.

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And I held you closer.

How has it become so hard to intend to be anything pure?
These words are just slipping throught my momd and they're coming onto this page, and it's almost the only thing I have to home.
Nothing makes sense when you're in this state. Emotions are raging up until one point. That point comes and you're over, it's done. The emotions are gone and you're back to the simple of yourself. It's the hardest thing to explain in the world, but somehow it's easy to feel and easy to run through your mind. You can never tell anyone else, it's the biggest secret you'll have to keep, so that's why my doors have been slammed shut with just a bag to keep you out, praying and hoping that you'll never come in, so I can keep this emotion to myself and never be ashamed of it, though that's an easy thing to have during this.
Pop culture isn't even existant, it's not even there, you're just floating and there. Pushing hard against the opposite of a heart, and you're so ashamed of what you're doing though you still press on. You're desperate enough to lose all sense, and you're willing enough to seek out someone's secret about themselves just to feel sad and evil enough to gain the emotion again.
Then the people come into view. You can suddenly see past the lust and the lack of love, and the people inside are feeling what you are now. But they hide it as bad as they can, and put on their face again and try and gain what they had, but it's too late, it's lost and gone.
People inside willing to get out and the stress of it all is what caused all of this.
Do you think if I was happy, this wouldn't happen as often?
I'm trying to show you that I'm being better, but you never seem to find the things I want you to so badly.
Nothing's connecting and I'm just as ready to hang up my line as you are.

It's ashaming and a curse. I'm trying to break it, but what's the use when it's the new plauge onto me.

My mom told me to write so I can be what I want.
This isn't what I want, but it's at least a step closer.

Sorry about all of this. I'll be back to normal once this track ends.
-Emily.

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Where'd you go?

"Where'd you go? I miss you so... seems like it's been forever since you've been gone."
Lonliness is a terrible thing to suffer through.
There's no cure for lonliness except for someone to be there while you're debating with yourself about everything in your life; that's what you do when you're lonely, you think, just think.
Some days it doesn't matter how much you are loved, how much you have, how many people say they love you, you'll just be lonely. People will try and reach out to you, people will try and 'cheer you up', but it's no real use. Lonliness has no cure but someone to be there while you're feeling like shit, and who will be there when you come out of it.
Hot chocolate and blankets are good companions when you're lonely, and something to make you feel real is a good thing too.
I've found myself feeling incredibly lonely lately. I don't know why, I seem to be having a great time with life from what I see, and I have no real problems to confront or deal with, I just feel estranged from everyone, I feel like they're just going on with their daily lives without paying me much notice. That's sad. not sad in the pathetic way, but sad in the staring into space and thinking about what you're even doing sad. I've found myself an avid stare-into-spacer, I don't really interact with people and things and such, but I just think. Is that what happens when we die? we just.. not disappear, but we just think. sit and think all day, no one asks us if we're okay, they know we're just dead, and no one cares for you much.
I've found myself lately doing things just to trick people into thinking I'm happy. I'll laugh and giggle at the appropriate times, but my heart or head won't really be in it. people seem to be believeing that, though. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or not, but it's something.
I wouldn't call what I'm feeling depressed, more like... sad. no, lonely. I'm just lonely. Don't worry about me because that's all I am, nothing to be worried about, I'm purely and simply lonely. you can try and cheer me up, you can yell at me to realize what a life I have, but that'll only bring me down further.
Just pay attention to me and be there when I'm feeling better, let me know what kind of a person I am, and let the mean comments roll off of your tounge the softest, be gentle like I'm going to crack any second, and we'll be better together, I promise.
-Emily.

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Honestly, I'm amazed.

Dear Pete Wentz,
I don't know how on earth you do it. honestly. You're just so... obvious. that seems like the right word. You're the kid with the bad haircut who sat next to me during english. You're so obvious, like I should have known you, I should have become your friend, I should've been the friend you needed.
How do you stay so... optomistic and still write and do the things I look forward to seeing?
It seems like the person you are, when you talk to people and when you're too tired to type out something from the actual depths of your mind, is completely different from the person you are in written interviews and when a pen is in your hand, in your writing, questions, and journals.
That confuses me more than anything else, just... you.
You can't really call yourself anything, you can't really settle on what would be called a label for a person like you.
You're just... well, you're the first person to laugh when someone tells a hilarious joke, the first one to shut up or make a joke back about it.
You're the one that always acts normal around your parents or friends, even when there are video cameras around and people will hang on your every word, even your whining for a Peanut butter sandwich is like music to your fan's ears. to me it's bliss.

In case you're freaking out about this now, I'll fill you in on the whatabawhat that's going on.
See, I have this friend, your mind clone.
Oh, man, that sounds stalkerish.
well, she's.... basically you. in girl form.
It's real hard to explain.
And I, in theory, am Andy to her Pete.
I've been told on... well, alot of occasions that I'm a girl version of Andy Hurley.
That's creepy, huh?
well, I take the choice to believe the hype [not always the best idea] and whatdoyouknow?
I'm Andy Hurley's female clone!
well, this isn't my point. at all.
THE POINT IS... I'm going to write to you. every day of the summer. so is my friend Moli, your very own mind clone. in fact, she came up with the brilliant idea.
And I'm going to take your advice. "Everything's rhetorical."
Well, this summer, I'm having fun if it's the last thing I do. I am in NO WAY having a boring summer like last year where all I did was sit inside on the computer.
That was sad.
This year, I'll go outside, I'll dance in a thunderstorm, I'll see every new movie that comes out. I'll see The Hush Sound and Panic! at a concert, I'll meet Chris and Ryan and Greta and Brendon and Darren and Spencer and Bob. I'll see new bands, I'll sleep outside under the stars, a CD player in my hand and a portable DVD player at my side, "Rushmore", "Pretty and Pink" and "The Breakfast Club" playing all night long. I'll take a trip to Chicago and stop by your house just to say hi. I'll just say hi, nothing else. I won't even ask for an autograph, I'll simply knock on your door, you, your mom, or your dad, maybe Patrick or Andy, will answer, and I'll say "Hi. I'm Emily. I just wanted to say hi, that's really just it." Simple and dorky and stupid and pathetic, but I'll say hi, and when someone asks you what the most pathetic thing a fan has ever done, "One chick named Emily stopped by just to say hi." will be your answer. It's true, at least.
I'm an idiot, writing to you like this, so I'll fill you in on my pathetic / hilarious / fun-filled day.
I woke up at... 5. ouch. And I was thinking of "The Shining", the storyline recited to me by my friend who doesn't like me anymore, and the part where the dead girl in the bathtub wakes up and smiles popped into my head.
That's just perfect. PERFECT.
I have to take a freaking shower and whaddayaknow? The shining, The part with the BATHTUB, pos into my mind. so I lie awake in bed until about 6, thinking, [mostly questioning myself and thinking (For the first time in my life) about what it would feel like if I was your girlfriend. pathetic.] and the sun starts to come up.
So... I get out of bed, turn all the lights in my room on, and bring my teddybear [his name's Mr. Bear, just so you know] to the bathroom with me, sneaking my cat in as well and locking the door, thinking about everything but that stupid movie.
Bad thoughts are like liquid. You know them when the come, you realize that they're bad, but you can't pull yourself to look away, the plotline question is burning in your mind, and the torture you'll go through later will just be your punishment.

Got to go to bed.
'night, Pete.
-Emily.

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I feel like I'm floating.

I don't feel real right now. I've been searching for new posts on Falloutboyrock.com or friendsorenemies.com from Pete, but no luck. I'm having Peter withdrawl but I don't have the heart to tell it to Moli, It'd break her heart. that's the last thing anyone needs. I feel left out of the circle I've become accustomed to feeling safe in. Do they want me to be a perfect friend? I'm probably just overthinking it. It's enough to make one cry. I don't feel like I'm getting it from her. As in I don't feel like I'm getting enough friendship from her, though that's the poorest choice of words I could've found. I don't know. It feels like I'm realizing something that was never happening in the first place; Moli trying to make me someone else. That's not happening I know, but It's kind of hard. I'm thinking of the article about Fall Out Boy now, where they said Pete's 'suicide attempt' as he refused to call it, was just and simply summed up with "I just wanted to go to sleep." That one line makes me on the verge of tears. It's true. I want to go to sleep. just sleep. Is that so wrong? is that so hard? Sleeping is like death only we wake up. Well, I want to go to sleep. that's all I really want.
I want to do so much for the world, but It seems so hard when I realize that I'm only one person and that is all I will be. one person to the world and one person to everyone else. I'm the disposable friend again. or just the ungrateful one. Seeing others successes just makes me want to be in their shoes, to do what they've done, to take their route and not carve one out for myself. But it's the hard part that makes up the accomplishment of our accomplishments. If only if only.

Sad songs are the soundtrack for my inspiration.
If only, if only.

no more rants for the day.
I'm happy on the outside.
Shadows on the inside.
Excuse the drama, but hold on, I only need to get this out.
It's a mask.
Ths subtle moodiness only cracks in the normally firm foundation of happiness.
The shallow surface is what you see, the normal me, the thing you want to see and refuse to look deeper.
But do look deeper only once, and you'll find dissatisfaction.
I'm a brat, I know it, but a perfect pane of glass is the only thing I will never amount to on the self, on the inside. The outside may be as smooth and gentle as possible, but no matter how it changes, the inside will remain the mangled part.
The only hope for a cure is the writing.
writing, writing, typing, thinking.
I'm not in an emo mood, I'm not depressed, I'm just thinking.
thinking of the way to keep my inside from bursting out. or rather the opposite, from bursting in. making me what I've been trying to hide. a liar. depressed. moody.
keeping that in is the hardest part of being awake.

I just want to go to sleep.

Music: You are the moon - The Hush Sound
Mood: You decide.

-Emily.

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