baysies (i love you)
Posted February 22, 2008
On the days when I don’t see him I feel as though the sun has faded away. The hours we’ve spent together fill my mind. I’m always searching for the right time to say it. It never arrives. Always I compress my feelings, and always I feel that I am about to explode. He tells me he loves me, yet I can never stutter those three words back. His love seems so immense, mine could never compare. Although my feelings could fill three of me, it never shows when I’m around him. When he’s not around my every other thought bounces back to the boy, the boy that makes me swoon.
Every night I hope for dreams filled to the brim with him, but never do they occur. No matter how hard I try, I find yet another thing that I can not control. He seems like the only thing holding me to this ground, but knowing he could rip that away weakens me so. Some how I know that is something he would never do, no matter what I did. Just like my heart would burst with love for him no matter what action that he committed.
We pushed each other on the swings and slid down the slides. We raced across the field and I always won. He said he never let me, but we all know who was faster. We held hands as we walked home and stopped to kiss once or twice. There was never an awkward moment, and if there were it was soon whisked away. There was never any pressure, or at least none that I ever felt. And it always seemed as though time raced by, whenever I was with that boy. The days seemed like minutes and all too soon they passed.
We wore each other’s clothes, and tried to do each other’s hair. We never looked very good, but to each other the beauty was immense. There was no defining the way we saw each other, and there was no way any other relationship could compare. We could sit talking ad listening to music for hours on end. I would even pose that that boy was my very best friend. He always seemed to understand me, and I tried to do the same for him. Words would flow with out me even knowing that I had said them, but to him they were the perfect thing to say.
We both played guitar, and he would always write songs for me. I tried to write some for him, but they never seemed to compare. He had the most beautiful voice. His song, the last thing in my mind before I surrendered to sleep at night. We made mix CDs that became the soundtrack of our love. There was always music playing, whenever we were together, there always had to be something in the background. The music was sometimes so soft that we could hear each other’s breath, but at other times it blasted so loud we couldn’t even hear the panting.
Fall was my favorite season before I met him. Once we were together I liked summer the best. The days were longest during the summer; we could spend all of our time together and not have to worry about doing work or being late. We never got caught when we did stuff together. It wasn’t that we weren’t allowed to see each other, but since we had met at church, the things we were doing would probably not have been approved of.
Sometimes we would drive for hours out to the middle of nowhere just to be together in a new place. We would do things there that we had never done before. They could be silly things that didn’t really matter, like trying a new flavor of ice cream, or maybe kissing someplace we had never kissed before.
We were really weird kids. We made no sense what so ever. It was a mystery how we even made sense to each other. We were the kind of people who had inside jokes like “Fog eats snow” or “My goodness Jones, it smells like a birthday party”
In the winter we liked to go snowboarding. He was always a lot better than me, but he helped me get better. We found out that chairlifts are great places to make out. One time he got really hurt and we thought we were going to have to bring him to the hospital. Luckily that boy was a though one and we were able to just go home. I think it helped that I kept kissing his boo boo to try and make it better. A lot of times afterward we would be really cold and to “stay alive” we had to share body heat, guess how we did that.
In the spring we would dance in the rain. It wasn’t mushy gushy though, it was more like dancing like fools than slow dancing. Some times we got so wet it made more sense for us to just take off all our clothes than to sit there soaking wet, so we would strip down and blast the heat in his car. We did a lot of things in that car. That was where we had our first fight. It really was silly, we were fighting over who got to drive home and he thought because it was his car he should get to drive, but I never got to drive so I thought that I should be able to that time.
I felt kind of like a slacker when he started talking about his job, since I didn’t have one. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to get a job because I was lazy it was more that I just hadn’t gone out and gotten one. I had been thinking about working at the ice cream place down the street from my house, but I never did. My mom needed me to watch my baby brother a lot so I couldn’t really get a solid schedule if I were to get a job. I could have gotten paid for watching my brother but I told my mom she didn’t need to pay me. After all, it was more just family responsibility.
We both liked bandanas, a lot. We didn’t know why, but I assume that it’s because there are so many different ways to wear them. If you think about it you could be a pirate, cowboy, gangster, maid, Tarzan, or a punkass. There isn’t the slightest doubt that we missed one way to wear them… we looked up different ways online. *giggle*
We tried to hook our friends up together so that we could all hang out, but of course that would make things far too simple, so it never worked. We still hung out with people other than each other and it was plenty fulfilling. The most kick ass thing though, was going to parties and concerts together. Those were the times that we were completely in our element and things just flowed even more naturally than at other times.
It’s amazing how movies can have a totally inaccurate description on the back. That was a trap that got us to watch so many movies that bombed. Of course we saw all of the best movies too. The ones that were the best to watch together were the bad ones though, because then we didn’t actually have to watch them. =) I have no idea why, but we never ate snacks during movies, it just wasn’t something that we did.
We were straightedge. We never did drugs; we didn’t need them to open up. A few of our other friends were really into that, but I guess it never appealed to me, and I had told him that I couldn’t date someone who was into that. As far as I’m concerned juice boxes were the only drugs that I needed.
I couldn’t go for long periods of time with out talking to him. I went from using 300 text messages a month to using 4000. So I guess we had plenty to talk about. In the beginning he had said he was shy, and I had said I talk… a lot. But surprisingly he ended up having more to say than I did. All of my friends found that hard to believe… well at least until they met him
As far as our parents went, they didn’t mind that we were dating; they knew we were both good kids. But, still my dad didn’t want me driving in the car with him at first; boy oh boy did that ever piss me off. There really wasn’t any good reason for my dad not wanting him to drive me around, sure he had an excuse of bad weather during the winter, but there weren’t any other than that. His car had a huge backseat; grandpa cars have this tendency to be huge hahahaha.
I was never a popular kid, I had a tendency to tell bitches when they were being bitchy and I told sluts to stop humping people half naked on the floor. For some reason though, I always got invited to parties. It was always super awkward for me if my boyfriend wasn’t there. I hated grinding with anyone other than him, and I didn’t even like grinding with him that much, actually I just wasn’t one of those people who was into grinding. It always seemed like such a sluttish thing to do, and if I was gonna be know as a slut I wanted to be doing the real thing haha.
We went to so many parties together, and they were always more fun when we went together, even if the party completely sucked. I was one of those people that could chug things really fast, so I would always down things like water or soda super fast and then act drunk. People told me that I was really good at acting drunk, but it isn’t that challenging, just act like a complete idiot and say the most retarded things you can think of. It would be great to go to school that Monday and have everyone talk about and they would always try to tell me that I acted way wilder than I actually did, so I’d just tell them “Hey bitch, I didn’t drink any alcohol and remember everything I did, none of that happened… suck it faggot!!”
Getting a rise out of people was something me and my boyfriend liked to do a lot, so obviously we raised hell. Pissing people off can be so simple, but thinking of new ways to do took time and effort, but who wouldn’t want to waste their time like that? We had this tendency to be driving down the road waYYYYY too fast; cutting people off was the easiest way to get a rise out of them, so hmmm yeah we did that quite a bit.
At times he was more my friend then my boyfriend and things weren’t too romantic. In ways it made me feel weird, but as soon as we kissed I remembered why I liked him, because he was the one who loved me through it all, he never had a problem talking things out with me and I could outpour my feelings onto him whenever I needed, he trusted me more than anyone else that he knew, and lastly, no matter when where or why I always felt comfortable with him, whenever he held me in his arms.
