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Rushing Outwards.

How do we know if we feel dead, when we're not even sure we ever felt alive? If you've only felt one thing your entire life... how could you even know the difference? How do you classify feeling nothing? How do you know the ups without the downs, the downs without the ups? I'm stuck in this median... I don't even KNOW. How do we know if what we feel is normal? I can't even form my thoughts into coherent sentences. Maybe that's because all I have are questions... but these aren't making any sense either. I just want to make SENSE. I wish I could change things. I wish I didn't have to push things further and further and further down into my stomach because I don't want them to be a part of me anymore... but doesn't that only make them moreso? But what could I possibly do? Speaking them outloud wouldn't change it. Then, not only would they be a part of me inside, but they'd become my image too. Why are we so afraid of our pasts? And why do so many people judge us on them? Because they should. Because they are part of what made us who we are. It's too late. I should have changed things then, but they're stuck with me now. And they will always be there. Would speaking them help anything at all? It just seems that putting them out in the air only creates a secret button, a back door for our heartless peers to hurt us with. Isn't that all they want? A reason to hurt us. A way to break us down for the sake of their own reputations. How do we even know who we can trust? Who can be the judge of what will repulse everyone else? If it repulses me, wouldn't it repulse you? If I don't even like myself, how could anyone else? Even if it didn't bother you, can you be sure it won't bother other people you tell it to? I know the story. "She told me not to tell anyone, so don't tell anyone else, okay?" Right. And that's the way it goes on forever. From one person to the next, like a fucking sickness everyone's just begging for. Who can keep a secret? It's not a secret if you tell someone, because it's the way friendship works. You tell them something because it's just rupturing inside you and you can't swallow it down anymore, and in the back of your mind you know you're just creating a means for your own destruction... but you do it anyway. And since it's not THEIR problem, why should they care? Why should THEY bother choking it back like you had for so long? Because the truth is, no one cares if you're suffering, as long as their own hearts are content. Is it not reasonable that if this thing built up so much pressure inside of you, it will do the same to them? Of course it will... but they won't be as inclined to keep biting it down for as long as you did.


It's not a secret if you tell someone.
It's not a secret if you tell someone.
It's not a secret if you tell someone.

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