PureVolume

So bloody successful at the accidental

So this is really cool. I finally have a place where I don't know anyone and I can bitch and moan and talk shit about everyone I know, and they won't know it! I'm stoked.
That, and for some reason I can be on this site a work, which is so unbelievably rad because I have to sit here wide awake while the rest of normal America is sleeping. So now I can listen to some good music AND be a whiner at the same time. Oh I am oh-so-emo...how adorable.

I was supposed to be training someone tonight, but he text messaged me (that's right, I said it) and said that he "wasn't feeling well" and pry wasn't going to come in tonight. Well, well, well. I wouldn't want to be stuck in here on a Saturday night either. Good thing I'm only here every other weekend...
Anyway, last night he came in and must've been drunk or something (it WAS Friday night after all!) and we were chatty just for a few minutes before the shit hit the fan and the 911 lines were ringing off the hook for a fire in south county. I needed to wake some people up and we both decided that it was better if he just left because I was going to be too busy for anything anyway. He packed up his shit and right before he walked out, he grabbed my face and kissed my mouth, then turned and walked right out the door.
Shocked, utterly shocked.
I sat there with my hand to my mouth and just stared at the door.
What the hell?!
So then there is *frenzied* texting back and fourth for a while... (In between radio transmissions and, you know, generally saving the world...):
ME: You just shocked the hell outta me!
HE: I know. I just wish the kiss was better.
ME: Whaaaa...!? (I'm also thoroughly confused)
HE: I wish it wasn't so rushed...
ME: And about all the stuff we talked about last week? (Im still confused due to MANY previous conversations about certain things in past weeks, INCLUDING him telling me that he cant take me on a date when I didnt even mean it that way!!!)
HE: I'm not to be trusted. Not to say the desire isn't there, I just don't know what's driving it.
ME: Well I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about you like that sometimes...
HE: I think a lot about you too, I just need to think about what I'm doing here.
ME: Yeah...it's probably not a good idea to do that while youre drunk though.
The end.
And then after all that he says that hes not coming in tonight and Im feeling pretty sure that it has something to do with him doing something stupid whilst drinking and TOTALLY regretting it the next day. Fucking coyote ugly style and shit. So I try to play it cool and all, like I didnt just shave my legs and put on touches of extra make up and whatever, by replying something to the effect of Whatever. Dont know why youd want to waste a Saturday night in here anyway. Feel better. To which he replied something like I need the training, and hanging with you isnt a waste. But hes still not coming in, and Im half fantasizing that hes going to show up again tonight or at least call me or something
I think that Im just really self important. He probably isnt even thinking about me at all, let alone deciding that hes going to blow me off to go drinking or whatever. I just keep kicking myself because I really dont know what Im doing here. Alex and I just broke up, well kind of, and I really, really, REALLY know better than to date someone from Morro Bay, LET ALONE the fact that hes a firefighter and, having been one myself for a few years, I FUCKING KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!!!
Rules for me in the moment:
1. Dont date people that you work with.
2. Dont even TALK to people from Morro Bay
3. Dont have school girl crushesPERIOD. Fuck. Dont I remember how they ended (began/ran throughout/yeah, yeah, yeah)obviously I dont or else Id NOT be feeling like this about this man.
4. Firefighters, for the most part, are too self involved to EVER get involved with
5. Be mature enough to tell someone that Im interested in them, and then be mature enough to walk away if they arent in meand HOPE that theyre mature enough to keep a friendship where I thought (wished/hoped/dreamed/fantasized) that there was more.

But maybe thats all for now. What a mental unload. Not that I feel any lighter now or anything. Just utterly confused and hurt and mad butbut Im really just into bashing my brains out all over the floor. Im the kind of girl thatll do that, and then ten minutes later forget about all the blood and brains and get up and try to walk across the slippery floor and slip and fall and then Ill sit there and cry because Im a failure at everything that I try to do, and am so bloody successful at the accidental

So Im Alacoque. Ive got 15 piercings and some loverly tattoos and a permanent tear on my cheek. Who said Im not emotional.

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