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• General: The night as I would like to remember it.

    I pulled my jacket tighter around my body prepared for the chill of the night.  As I opened the door an unexpected warm mist hit my face.  It was beautiful, the first…

  May 02, 2009

   

• General: Ten Minutes

  Something was wrong.  He was acting differently that day, and I couldn’t figure out why.  I guess the friendship thing really wouldn’t have worked out after all.  I sin…

  May 02, 2009

   

• General: Regret

   He traced his finger in circles across my back.  He was so happy, just to be in my presence.  I caught him as he nuzzled his nose into my hair and inhaled, but I didn’…

  May 02, 2009

   

• General: Continuation of Ten Minutes

   I had thought about this moment every single day for the previous six months.  I had dreamed of being in his arms, of the possibility of us being together again and th…

  May 02, 2009

   

• General: New About Me

  I promise you will never meet another person quite like me. You may not think so, or may not want to believe it, but i am a good person. You know those shitty things yo…

  May 02, 2009

   
 

About

My 2008 year Current mood: accomplished Category: Writing and Poetry Whoa this year I really think it flew by, but in actual fact it might have been one of the longest years of my life. This year has been so full of everything, I don't think I could have endured half of it without my friends I love you guys so much and I really am sorry for most of the things i put you guys through. January: Seems like centuries ago, I celebrated my 16 birthday. I had a giant dance party with a bunch of friends, half of whom i don't even talk to anymore. Thats the real sad part about getting older you tend to loose all the people you never wanted to. But in January of 2008 i became involved with a boy, he was everything to me for most of my 2008 year, he was everything i could have asked for in a best friend and a boyfriend. He taught me so much about myself and helped me realize what I really want in life. February: I dont recall much of my time spent in February, most of it was trivial. Caught up in what i assumed was love, i spent most of my time either working or with my Friend at the time skyler. We were real inseparable for a long time. March: Driving, it was one of the things that i honestly couldn't wait for. I was so excited to learn to drive and finally in March i got to drive for the first time. I thought that when i was able to drive my life would get so much more exciting... little did i know that if a person wants an exciting life, then they actually have to put forth a little effort. i wasn't much into doing that. April: I think it was during April that i became super involved in acting, I was cast as Tillie, the dumb waitress, in our school play Ducktails and Bobbysox. It was one of the highlights of my 2008 year, I was so intent on being the best actress i could be I blew off a bunch of my friends and became pretty much a horror for a while. Thanks to all the people who put up with my crap. May: Summer finally started, I had my car, I had my license, i had the boyfriend, i Had the best friend, I had everything. My sister had just recently moved out and I had a whole downstairs to myself. This could have been the greatest month of my 2008 year. I was happier then you could ever imagine. June: The idea that my sister was really in a bad place finally set in during June. She moved out the previous month and was living with my moms mother. Except that she was not accepted there so she was basically staying anywhere that someone would let her. But for some reason she would not come home. I love my sister to death but she can be very dense at times. July: My world came crashing down. I had recently gotten my best friend hooked up with a guy so she could be happy. But instead of having me as a friend she felt as though the only thing she needed was her boyfriend, and i got ditched. We had been working together for 6 months at this point and i lost my job along with my best friend. To make the month worse the next week The relationship I had been so determined to make work came crashing down too. We began fighting, fighting, we had never even argued the tiniest bit before this. And after countless arguments about not seeing eachother enough and not talking enough, We broke up. I thought my life was over considering i had no best friend and no boyfriend, it was a bad time. August: I spent the first week of my august month in Jamaica. This week was very lonely for me, but i had so much time to think with myself. I figured out who i was and what i needed, In Jamaica each and every person you come across has a giant smile on their face (im not sure if it was all the weed or what), but it really made me think about everything. I had been so miserable for the last month and i hadn't even thought about all the things i had to be happy about. I decided that it would be in my best interest to move on and to bring new people into my life to get rid of the empty spots the old people once occupied. So i went back to school and met a boy Curtis. I knew that i wasn't ready for a relationship but i thought if i let myself have a little fun with him the hole in my chest might ease up just a little. So we kinda became friends with benefits (but only kissing benefits). Then when he thought about us becoming more than friends i blew him off and moved on. I was in a really bad place and was a real dick to a lot of people. September: I was a wreck still, I couldn't look people in the face. I couldn't sleep. I was freaking out. School was too hard I didnt want to concentrate on homework. All i wanted was to go to sleep and not wake up. I had to see the face of my ex everyday and it killed me. So i ventured out to move on again, I took my best friend Justin and i manipulated him. He had a crush on me, and i admit the year before i was madly in love with him and he kinda did the same thing to me, but i used him. I took the fact that he had a crush on me and i used that to make me feel good about myself. So i would talk to him and i kissed him. I became the biggest tease I know. But i eventually realized what i was doing and broke it off. Then i got in a car wreck, I flipped my car on my way to school and i really think that threw me a little bit more over the edge. I realized that i really wasn't very important in most peoples lives and that life really was going to end someday soon and i might not get the chance to do any of the things I wanted to do. Or find that one person who i should spend the rest of my life with, i freaked out so bad because I thought i would never get to experience someone loving me more than i actually loved them. And that was the only thing i wanted in life. October: I did it again. I used a boy to make me feel better about myself. Except this time i told him in the beginning i had no intentions of dating him. I only wanted to have fun for a while. So we went on dates and stuff. I ended up breaking it off with him too when things became more serious for him. I couldnt believe that i had done it again. I was the biggest horror i knew i hated myself. I put on a smile for people but was a wreck on the inside. I became so distant from everyone in my life. I basically did not talk to anyone for about 2 weeks, and if it wasnt for my best friend tessa i would have kept myself in solitary for a lot longer than that. But i realized from my mistakes that i didnt need a boy in my life at all and i was only doing these things to feel close to people. Because that is what i really wanted i just wanted to feel like i belong with people and feel that people wanted to belong with me. November: This month that is almost finished has been quite enjoyable. I have been working really hard on my upcoming play Alice in Wonderland, in which i play Alice. And ive really been a lot more sane. I finally came to be on good terms with my ex and that has helped me to move on a bit. Although it will take a lot longer to move on completely im finally free to be happy just being me. Ive got great friends right now, Tessa, Justin, Richie.. ive even gotten back in touch with some old friends. A death of an old friend made me realize how silly it is to hold grudges against people you once loved. So im trying to make things better with all the friends i used to have and lost touch with. And i really think its working. Im happy and cannot wait to begin a whole new year like this. But not really, I am so happy that this year is behind me and although i had some really good times i would not relive this year for anything in the world.