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COURTNEY BINNIE
thanksgiving.
so today is thanksgiving, good food, and family was a nice time. I am seeing my best friend tomorrow night so thats exciting. then two weeks and i can be back here for almost a month. thats always a nice feeling. My mom and i are black friday shopping tomorrow, hopefully i will get the new ipod i really really want.
So, now the not so fantastic... looks like i am just never going to see chris. which sucks.
i wish i could just go to tallahassee and talk to him, see him and just see what happens. i should post the letter i wrote sometime, i just might.
if i had a car i totally would go there for just like a day, but i cant so im going to have to figure out when over break i will see him.
he also only has one more week before i basically say " look its been two weeks, if you felt the same i would know by now. I have to get over you, i need time, because otherwise i wont, i never would"
its blunt, but its true.
perhaps i am getting ahead of myself...
So it seems I am just getting ahead of myself in my life. I am trying to keep myself under control and all that jazz, but my mind keeps wandering. I just dont want to get all my hopes up and it not be a good situation. Chris says he is thinking about it, which i suppose is better than just ignoring it, but i really dont know what to tell him but" i am madly love with you, ive layed it all out, and either you feel the same or you dont."
24 hours...
within the last 24 hours, my entire life has become crap. I first started by realizing that Chris will not, does not and has never felt the same, so im trying to mend a broken heart. I just dont know what to do with myself, i feel like i have no purpose. Then my best friend moved out of our dorm, she cant stand her roommate so she moved. I just feel like no one ever thinks about anyone but themselves anymore. I just hate how everything is going, and i cant stop it. I hurt all the time and no one knows about it. I have started cutting again, and i dont know what else to do. I just dont know how else to cope anymore, i have no one to talk to.
Stupidity is my middle name
So i stupidly sent a letter to Chris, I cant believe I did that! I dont want to say cally forced me to, but in a way she did, i knew i shouldnt, and i decided to anyway. Now, he wont talk to me, and my heart feels like its shattering into pieces, i dont know what to do about it either, hes two hours away and i dont even know what i would do if i went there.
I thought it would end up OK, ad i should have known it wouldnt. he will probably not talk to me again. I lost my best friend because someone told me to send a letter i shouldntve.
Why cant I ever just think for myself.
And to top it off, im cutting again so joy I have really fucked myself up now. I dont know who i am without chris, and thats not a good thing, i fall apart without him in my life.
So... take two.
I had done a posting on here before... for whatever reason it is now gone. I dunnno. SO... Take two. PureVolume's thing is that they listen to us. or so their slogan says. Well i hope that is true... Everyone seems to be so wrapped up in themselves and all that and like I just sometimes need someone to listen to me. Between my life and friends i get so wrapped up in everything and i get so stressed, and when i try and put these problems on people, they cant handle them, so i write. I used to have an account on here, and i cant seem to log in anymore. so i am starting up again. This is my outlet. None of my friends are on here and i can say what i need to, thats a big deal for me.
So my friends here at college are great, and i really love them all. but they are driving me so crazy i dont even know what to do anymore. I just am sick of hearing everyones problems. I know they need to tell someone, but like stupid roommate trouble just bugs me, like why cant you just deal with the person, and if not, what are they doing that bugs you so much, because you probably have flaws they dont like either, so why does it have to be a huge deal just because they do stuff you dont like. I bet my roommate really hates a lot of stuff I do, but its me and I think she does crazy stuff to, so i mean in all, why does it matter if you all are different or not, we all do stuff that someone else may not like.
Also love, I find it so dumb, why does everyone want that. I guess i have never felt it if i feel this way, or atleast everyone tells me so. I dont agree with that,I have been in love. I felt sick to my stomach when i wasnt with him and was so obbsessed, it drove me nuts, I still feel those ways sometimes. so why does everyone want that, not cool if you ask me.
