PureVolume

At between 3:00 and 3:30 pm today, witnesses say, Lesser Known Saint created complete havoc at Briar Cliff University in Sioux City, IA. After seducing the student body with lilting and melodious auditory bliss, the band betrayed their collective trust and utterly decimated the campus and ravaged the townsfolk. Girls under the age of seven were reported covering their ears, and the elderly were seen with disapproving grimaces smeared across their faces. Nearing the end of the onslaught, the five collected their individual powers over nature, and supernaturally attacked the city with untold raging winds and freezing waters, causing almost certain hypothermia and ruthlessly scattering innumerable raffle tickets into the now furious and overcast sky. Tables were overturned by the merciless gusts and hurled violently into large groups of hapless onlookers.

Then, suddenly, from the heavens, an unexpected bolt of lightning crashed down on Rug, now the penultimate Martyr of Rock.

When finally the storm subsided, those fortunate enough to survive the massacre were seen buying CD's and T-shirts from a band that hadn't even actually performed.

Cynically satisfied with their work, the remaining members of Lesser Known Saint retired with a few of their compatriots to a nearby household where they mourned the loss of Rug. And yet they agreed that it had been a worthy cause for which he had sacrificed his life. They retired into the kitchen to eat a brief dinner before returning home with both regret and exuberance in their hearts.

Suddenly the doorbell rang, and upon opening the portal, they found none other than Rug himself, basking in an unidentifiable light and wearing a cloak of white. When Doubting Axel asked him for proof of his identity, Rug had only to show the holes on his fingertips where the open blisters on his fretting hand had been, and they all believed.

Next door, neighbors reported that Rug was seen grilling the "best-smelling pork chops I've ever encountered," and this was later confirmed by one of the few non-vegetarian members of the band: they were, in fact, the greatest chops ever grilled. "One might call them... miraculously good."

As the rest of the band waved goodbye, Rug stood on the landing, watching them depart, the band now full of hope - reaching out to spread the good news.