PureVolume

The story of Failed Attempt 52 is the story of six individuals, all friends and all redeemed by the saving grace of Jesus Christ, and their quest to glorify God by their talents in playing music, and to spread the message of God's ultimate love action for all of humanity. So the story goes, something like this:


Coming from a long line of Superheroes, Joe Hillier got shot by a gangsta. In the same year, a freak body lotion accident claimed the life of Brandon Wright. During his ninja funeral, the Black Flag Shuriken took off the heads of Mary Rutkowski and Eric Major. In a totally unrelated circumstance, the professional wrestlers St. Dameon the Criminal and The Blob aka "Matt Ogg and Ethan Hillier" were crushed by Umaga in a two on one online cage match.

5 minutes later...

ALIENS DESTROY THE EARTH!!! But that's another story.

3 months later...

3000 years before the elephants were released from the zoo, there was a band of inbred mutants (BOOM, HEADSHOT!) and a mad scientist that uncovered the formula for immortality. Realizing that inbred mutants were hard to live with as they often skip rent and refuse to do dishes once a month like they are supposed to, he left them, took Tylenol PM and slept for 3073 years.

In the year 2010 when his Tylenol PM wore off, he awoke with a single dream: to win a little league soccer championship. He tried BUT HE FAILED! So he tried little league baseball, but he fell asleep AND FAILED! Completely mad at the world and with a new found friend: his mechanical pencil, he devised a way to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Deciding that zombies are much better companions than inbred mutants, our mad scientist named himself McGregor Fredrick to make himself blend into the crowd despite his webbed toes and functioning sixth digit so that he could go dig up corpses and not have people look at him strangely. He dug up six corpses and took them back to his secret laboratory in Seattle being a Washington resident himself. Being a Washington resident, there is one place that he hates more than any place else: states shaped like mittens. He then proceeded to invent a time machine, reanimated the six zombies and sent them back in time three years to a place in Michigan situated in between four of it's major cities, with instructions to DESTROY THE WORLD!

3 years earlier...

So our zombies wake up in February 2007 with one thing on their minds: THE TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD! Feeling that their huge minds were too empty with only this one thought and the female zombie bought a 24 pack of diet pink lemonade, they went off to seek knowledge of the world's great unknowns which there isn't much knowledge about it because they are unknown, but in the process they discovered six things: a trombone, a saxophone, a guitar, a bass, a set of drums, and a transducer. It was love at first sight, so they proceeded to EAT THEM! but Joe's mouth was not quite big enough to fit around the guitar, so instead he started strumming it. Then everyone else was like "yo dogs maybe deez tings play better than they taste, and that's pretty hard to do cuz deez taste good."

...And the rest is history.

BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!!!

During his travels, Chug came across a Wookiee named Chewbacca. Chewbacca, thinking Chug was a fellow Wookiee, adopted him and they flew off to live on the planet Kashyyk.

This left our adventurers with a problem - they needed someone who possessed the necessary skills to fill Chug's place. This person would require not only a ridiculous amount of saxophone prowess, but also high levels of absorbency, electrical conductivity and buoyancy in all viscosities of liquids.

They set out to sea in the mouth of a whale, in search of a new band member. They traveled far and wide across the ocean, searching day and night. Finally, when they had been at sea for several days and had almost run out of supplies, Ethan spotted a young boy floating upon a bed of seaweed. The lad's name was Michael, and although he lacked Chug's mass quantities of body hair, he still possessed all the other attributes the band was searching for. They rescued him, and he traveled back to the mainland in the mouth of the whale.

BUT THEN!!!!

Eric had always dreamed of going on an expedition to find the fabled Candy Island. He longed to find the soda pop rivers and fields of cotton candy. He decided that the time was right, so he packed up his Wall-E sheets and his stores of ginger beer and headed further West than no man had ever gone before (plus a little further North), with the blessings and well wishes of his band mates. The rest of the band decided to continue on, making their joyful sounds and partying like it's 2009.