Artie and the Saskuatches on purevolume™

Comedy / Other / Folk Rock

A: "Hi, I'm Adam Kirk."
L: "And I'm Landen Gessell."
A&L: "And together, we are... ARTIE AND THE SASKUATCHES! Shwing!"

Ladies and Gentlemen... Introducing the amazing comedy entourage from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Artie and the Saskuatches! Forged from blood, bone, and flesh never before seen, they are guaranteed to either a) leave you laughing in the aisles, b) give you a chuckle every once in while, or c) leave you wondering what the hell is going on.

It all started in the summer of 2002, when Adam and Landen met in the basement of a library and a security guard yelled at them for singing the Ghostbusters theme song in a restricted book storage area. Since then, they have been inseparable pals and have taken over the theatrical community of Saskatoon. Three years later (In 2005, for those of us who can't do math) an invisible/imaginary/non existent in the physical world yeti by the name of Artie Ficial approached them and proposed a new type of band: A three-man band, except with two men and one transparent Bigfoot. Who could refuse an offer like that?

Since then, Artie and the Saskuatches have performed at various venues, including bars, taverns, festivals, intermissions, and even at Yuk Yuks Comedy Club. Tragically, the group was forced into semi-retirement when Adam left the province to attend Animation College in the fall of 2006. The two young dudes kept in touch via email, with Artie travelling between them every so often, like a child with divorced parents. All three of them wrote genius new material, and when Adam came back to Saskatoon for the Christmas break, the trio got back together to record material for their debut album; Peanut Butter and Jam Session.

They credit their genre and style of music to various groups that inspire them, such as...
-Flight of the Conchords
-Arrogant Worms
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
-Tenacious D
-Weird Al
-Saturday Night Live
-Avenue Q
-The Rutles
-The One Man Star Wars guy
-Prozzak

What does the future hold for this talented young group? Stay tuned... We don't know yet. (I'm not a frickin fortune teller!)

Band Members:
Adam Kirk: Cartoonist, Dancer, Monologues, Writer, Actor, and Vocals
Landen Gessell: Guitar, Percussion, Harmonica, Writer, Actor, and Vocals
Artie Ficial: Writer, Dancer, and Eye Candy

Honorary Members:
Anne Jeffries: Featured in two songs on Peanut Butter and Jam Session
F. David Schultz: A mad rad actor and close friend of the Saskuatches.
Aidan Searle: One of the original four band members, but he swore too much. He was in a "band" with Landen called The Homeless Barnacle Spleens, but it never got going because they never tried.
David Whiteway: Another of the original four members, he was actually in a pre-Saskuatch comedy duo with Adam called "Awesome" and they did shows featuring a giant cardboard radio.
Graeme Gibbings: Landen's quiet guitar playing homeboy. Little is known about him.
Nguyen Dinh and Josh Robinson: Members of a saweet band that allows Artie to borrow their equipment they use to record their songs.
Frank Sinatra (just kidding)

Here's some general info about all the songs on Peanut Butter and Jam Session and Artie Party:

1. Artie Rap: Originally part of Variety Night 2006 at Adam's high school (Marion Graham), but since then the hip hop lyrics have been changed to be more relevant to Artie.

2. Nerd Anthem: An equal effort between Adam and Landen written for their first gig. They speak actual Klingon and Elvish in it, FYI. Homage to the glorious truth of their youth.

3.Mojimba: While in Ontario for college, Adam awoke at five o'clock, realized he had to work at 5:30, so he ran out the door. He didn't think anything of the fact that there was no one on the street and it was dark, but when he got to his place of employment, he finally understood that it was 5:30 AM, and he didnt work until 5:30 PM. On his way back to his dorm, he started singing this African beat based on a nickname he had received earlier by wearing a stupid hat to a pizza party.

4. Come to Canada: Tourism Canada approached Landen in a dream and they asked Artie and the Saskuatches to create a jingle for attracting people to come visit Canada. The group brainstormed and couldn't think of anything super unique to Canada, so they instead decided to make fun of other countries in comparison. It is vital to realize that Adam and Landen aren't racist at all, but Artie is, so blame him. (Actually, he wrote the song as a tribute to one of his favourite history teachers to advise him to stay in Canada)

5. There and Back Again In Three Minutes: Adam has the ability to re-enact the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in less than three minutes. A skill he uses to impress girls at parties and old people at banquets.

6. Jessica: Adam got a job as a dishwasher and he met a really hot bartender by the name of Jessica. What better way to woo her than to write a song about being underage? (Update: it didn't work)

7. Keanu Reeves: Written by an honorary saskuatch, Anne Jeffries, this poem set to a jazzy beat expresses Anne's feelings about her favourite actor. Cool...

8. Food Medley: Adam pioneered this one for an intermission act of a play both Landen and Adam were in. It was the first performance that Artie saw both of these young men appear in together. It is a collection of hit tunes with all the lyrics changed to be about food. Special thanks to Elvis Presley, the Beatles, the Village People, Eiffel 65, the Strangeloves, the Monkees, Britney Spears, Avril Lavigne, Richard Rogers, Lorenz Hart, Abba, the Beatles again, Michael Jackson, Enrique Eglesias, and Paul McCartney

9. Brain Surgery Performed By Monkeys: Adam's skater rock song about brain surgery and monkeys, two of the most popular things in modern culture. This song gives listeners the best of both worlds. This is probably the "rock-iest" song on the album.

10. Because I Love You: Landen created an indie-type song while Adam was away, so when he got back, they changed the lyrics again to adequately describe just how they care for one another. (The original version can be found on Landen's solo band's site, just search for Hedgehog 22)

11. Anger Time: While Adam was upset because he didn't get a grant to perform a musical, Landen started playing this Spanish tune off the top of his head to cheer him up. (And they did the musical anyway)

12. Brad the Chick: Landen really wanted a song to compete with Brain Surgery Performed by Monkeys, so he wrote a ballad to stop pollution about a super chicken... And it turned out way better than Adam's crappy song about primates. Take that!

13. Lobster Medley: Another medley of classic hits lovingly ripped off. This time the lyrics are changed to be about lobsters. Special thanks to Rufus Wainright, Queen, Eric Clapton, Michael Jackson, the Spice Girls and Bahamen.

14. Christ Was Born on Christmas: A Kirk family tradition, this song was created as more of a game between Adam and his rapper brother, SeanBlaze, that spreads Christmas cheer by impersonating various artists. Landen hates this song, because it took so bloody long to record it.

15. One Man Harry Potter: Adam has the attention span to watch the same movies over and over until he has the whole thing memorized and then spits them back out as these insane monologues. This track will make any JK Rowling fan chuckle.

16. I Wanna Muffin: The explicit Akon/Snoop Dogg hip hop song that everyone is too ashamed to admit that they love has been ripped appart and put together again as a love letter about breakfast Cereal. This song spawned the partners' first fight. Adam went ahead and recorded both parts of the song due to peer pressure and put it on the album before consulting Landen, which caused the spiky-haired 17-year-old to become peeved. But since the album covers had already been created, Landen had no choice but to bite his tongue and go with it. He did, however, have one message, "Adam is a cockgobbler."

17. Pachelbel's Canon: An encore presentation featuring Anne Jeffries playing her trademark instrument, the toy phone. To see this done live is amazing.

18. Little Princess: Originally a love ballad about Landen's crush, it turned around when she dumped him. What better than to twist the song into how much he hates her? (The original/emo version entitled "Too Cliche" can once again be found on Landen's solo band's site, Hedgehog 22, and even though it has better instrumentals, without Adam's rapping it just isn't the same)

1.Canadian Girls: Even though Landen isn't in Calgary YET, he bickered with Adam over which area's girls were hotter. This spawned the idea of creating a song about how sexy the girls in Canada are.

2. Congratulations: Landen came up with the idea for this song before the Saskuatches even did their first show, but it took them over a year to finish writing it and to record it. Adam and Landen hope to sing this at a few weddings.

3. Elf Lullaby: While working, Landen asked himself the question, "What if elves were actually making toys against their will?" So he found a melody in a minor key and wrote some dark and twisted lyrics. Merry Christmas....

4. Man Up: This song is a step by step guide for guys on how to win over the ladies. Style and Mystery would be proud of Adam and Landen's incitefull incities on the complex female psyche. The basic lesson learned from the song is that in order to get girls to like you, you have to be witty and buff; one isn't enough.

5. The S Word: Another of Adam's infamous attempts at a rap song. This time, every verb, noun and adjective is the word Shit. Then the song is repeated buty with all the swears taken out and replaced with perfectly decent and reasonable lyrics about decent and reasonable things like mittens, kittens, hats and cats.

6. Polygamy: The boys wanted to write an old time jazz song about the pros and cons of having multiple wives. This song requires a harmonica and a Louie Armstrong impression.

7. Barnyard Love: A romantic love song that was originally about a boy and a girl, but was changed to be about a man and a cow, then a girl and a horse, and finally a guys and a horse. The lyrics didn't have to be altered that much to accomodate these changes. It's a beautiful and powerfull melody with subtle undertones suggesting beastiality.

Songs cut from the albums because they sucked:

Our Moms Think We Are Cool: Adam really wanted this to be the name of the album until the name Peanut Butter and Jam Session came about. Landen felt bad for ruining Adam's vision, so he proposed a song idea to ease the loss. Unfortunately, they never actually wrote the song, so it will not be appearing on the album. Instead, this quote is simply thrown onto the back cover.

Our Worst Song Yet (Teen Angst): What a crappy song! The plot sucks, the chords blow, and the singing is totally rank! Adam wrote some dumpy lyrics, Landen found some stupid chords, and they both sang like it didn't matter, and it doesn't matter. This may be put up later, as a joke. So make sure you laugh, or else.

January 26

Poll: Who is better looking? Adam or Landen?

Tell us what you think. Who is the superior Saskuatch?

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January 24

Peanut Butter and Jam Session is officially out

Yeah! Adam spent all of his grocery money on making over 100 CDs and even though he is now literally a starving artist, he is very excited to say, "This thing is officially OUT!" Out as in released and ready to sell, not out as in there aren't any more of them. There are a lot of them, and people need to buy them so Adam can eat. Adam has a huge appetite and eats alot more than Landen does. Landen has a wimpy appetite and takes forever to eat a burger. Jeez! Anyway, the CD is totally self produced so in order to buy a copy you need to either know the guys in real life and ask them about it, or leave a message on this site that says "Hey! I want your album!" and they will be in touch. Hooray!

~Artie and the Saskuatches~

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January 23

You must be at least 60% cool to buy our album... Just kidding!

Following this message is an actual e-mail sent from Adam Kirk to Landen Gessell through hotmail. Not even kidding.

"We have all the artwork we need for Peanut Butter and Jam Session. Now I need to find a color printer and a cd case so I can assemble a mock up and see what it looks like. If I'm happy, I'll make like 100 photo copies and we need to find like 100 blank cds. 100 color photo copies is probably going to be over $100. If cds are the same and it costs $200 to make our album, we could make $1000-200=$800 back if we sell all 100 for $10 each. We can always make more if we sell out, but we don't want to make tons and then not sell any. Whatever. I'm just thinking too much now. Yeah man. Don't even worry about it. We need a website to sell cds. That's what we'll do with some of the proffits from these cds. Set up a frickin website and use it to sell more cds.

Adam Kirk"

If you can interpret Adam's endless jargo, you will realize that the age of the Saskuatches is coming... So prepare! Grab your wallet, and head to wherever their CD is sold and stock up! Only then will you be safe.

P.S. Artie, Adam, and Landen are the only ones who sell the CD currently

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January 13

New Akon/Snoop Dogg Parody

I Wanna Muffin
By Akom feat Snoop Hedgehogg AKA Artie and the Saskuatches

Landen: Corn Flakes

Adam: Corn flakes...Muslix... and I got lots of milk.

It is not boring pouring into that bowl
When I wake up every morning and eat my cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) and cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) flakes in a bowl

Money in my pocket at the wholesale,
Grab a box of oatmeal
Priced low like a motel, on sale,
Its swell, as hell, coupon said half off but its expired, oh well,
Eat breakfast wit me, I made waffles too,
Baby listen to me, they are good for you
If you want pancakes, then I can make those too,
A and Double U cant compare, let me tell you
I'm stuck on bacon and this tastes right,
Sunny side up eggs that are yellow and white
And ima set my clock at the end of the night
Cuz brekets is brekets and I eat brekets at eight

It is not boring pouring into that bowl
When I wake up every morning and eat my cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) and cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) flakes in a bowl

Honey Nut bee is my homey,
Spoonful of shreddies a fresh grilled cheese,
Lookin for the mini wheats now, where could they be?
Mind pouring me another glass of tea?
Tryin to get filled up on this stuff,
Gotta hurry so I dont miss the bus
Oh Just relax short stacks and make my brain go wack then Ill hop in the tub
My dog eats pedigree; ex-girlfriend didnt let me drink caffeine,
Girl, I drink coffee like it dont mean nuthin n besides I got a thing for food.
[ These lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

It is not boring pouring into that bowl
When I wake up every morning and eat my cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) and cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) flakes in a bowl

Mobbin' through Safeway on grocery session
Im standing with my cart in the breakfast section (just browsing),
Count Chocula, Lucky charms too,
I can see Tony Tiger and that Toucan Sam fool (Fruit Loops),
Trix rabbit is next, hes upset,
Silly rabbit, u know Trix are for kids and not for pets
Capn Crunch is movin' n groovin n rappin n snappin T
That capn is happenn and grinin n looking at me

Girl n while hes looking at me Im ready to hit the cashier,
Right up on the register move the baggies to my cabby,
Baby I bought strawberries, the breakfast food worlds cherries
Wantin to just eat everythin n thats kinda scary,
Cuz I'm lovin the orange juice in my glass,
Fresh squeezed fruit, got me tippin' my cap
Normally dont get filled up to fast cuz I got a thing for food.

It is not boring pouring into that bowl
When I wake up every morning and eat my cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) and cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) flakes in a bowl

It is not boring pouring into that bowl
When I wake up every morning and eat my cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) and cereal
I wanna muffin, (muffin) flakes in a bowl

Cereal...

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January 6

Updated Album List

Here is the updated list of the album. They are almost finished, they have fifteen tracks down, and they are aiming for sixteen to eighteen. But who knows, anything can happen, and they may end up with fifty tracks, thirty-three of them being Adam, Landen, and Artie laughing and farting around. What? It's a normal bodily function...

Anyway, here is the updated pre-emptive list.

1) Artie Rap
2) Nerd Anthem
3) Mojimba
4) Food Medley
5) Come to Canada
6) There and Back Again in Three Minutes
7) Jessica
8) Keanu Reeves
9) Brain Surgery Performed by Monkeys
10) Because I Love You
11) Anger Time
12) Brad the Chick
13) Lobster Medley
14) Christ Was Born On Christmas
15) One Man Harry Potter
16) Little Princess
17) Pakabell's Canon

~Artie and the Saskuatches~