Hmmmmm
Posted February 8, 2008
There comes a point in our lives where we must decide what we are going to live for, what we are willing to die for, and what the purpose of life is. If this decision is not conscious, it is at least reflected in the choices we make, where we spend our time, and the reasons for which we work. For many, the pursuit of happiness drives what they do, whether in the pursuit of money, success, or even family and relational strength. For years, I unknowingly operated on this paradigm, pursuing anything that would make me happy for a time. This did not mean drugs, and this did not mean sex, because I always felt like those things were wrong, and I wanted badly to be a moral person. For me, happiness meant success academically, athletically, and relationally. But, in 2000, when I sat down to think about my life, I was faced with a brutal reality: success fades, and happiness will only ever be temporary. I was only living for myself, I had nothing to die for, nothing that really mattered when I stared at the ceiling trying to fall asleep every night.
In July of 2000, my family and I moved from San Francisco, California to somewhere in Pennsylvania, some tiny town creatively called 'Newtown.' California was great, my successes in the classroom and on the athletic field had gained me worldly respect and I felt secure in my accomplishments. I was strong enough on my own, at least thats what my pride told me. But when we left our old home, everything I had built up fell down into a heap of obscure and nameless accomplishments. What I had defined my life as, a life where I worked hard and played hard, was now lost.
I liked to think God was with me, or at least thought He was from the years Id gone to church, but that didnt seem to matter much. I would lay awake at night in our new home in Newtown and wonder how I was going to build things back to the way they were. That's the problem with trying to stand on something thats not eternal; when it fades, so do you. So for my entire freshman year in high school, I pushed as hard as I could to excel in what the world placed before me. It worked. I gained respect and gained pride; it all seemed to come back. But coupled with these accomplishments was a growing void. I couldnt understand why a great GPA and an ability to hit a baseball couldnt bring me joy. Our family went to church, but I just sort of tagged along. My mom and dad both pushed me to get involved in the youth group but I was too uncomfortable to join a group of people who knew me apart from my accomplishments.
Finally, in the summer of 2001, a few of my friends at church invited me to attend a summer camp. I liked my friends, so I thought Id check it out. That summer, in the midst of Christian fellowship and with the atmosphere of an intense worship that I never before understood, the Lord opened my eyes. My weakness was exposed and that wall of strength I had desperately built up now was turned to dust under the Lord's intense light. I started to read the Bible, and found that God was not just something to turn to when I wanted something. God cared deeply about the object of my heart, and He wanted my worship and love. He came to me and showed me why I needed Him, and then showed me that He could be trusted. What would happen if I broke up with my girlfriend? What would happen if I struck out? What would happen if I got a D on a test? To God, life, truth, and peace are not circumstantial. He is eternal, and gave His own son to let me have a relationship with Him. Thats something to be trusted. Talks at camp showed me how important faith is, how weak we truly are, and that there is so much more to live for than the mere 80 years were on Earth.
That summer I redefined my life; I found that all I had valued couldnt compare with the power found in God. How much had I poured into athletics and academics? How much had I poured into social acceptance? How much of myself had I lost trying to meet these empty desires? The truth now challenged everything I thought I lived for.
I decided that if there was a God who created the universe, had sovereign power, and loved me even though I had fallen so many times, then I should live for His purposes, not mine. It is difficult to describe exactly how it all happened, because in many ways I think God moved over time. But, it was as if He showed me what was true through His word and the people living around me, slowly revealing that I wasnt okay on my own. Once I saw who God was, it was as if I was standing at a crossroads: I could choose Him, or turn my back and go down the path Id been on for years. I decided to follow what was eternal.
In this time, I learned the truth that changed my life. I learned that God is perfect and holy, and created man to have a relationship with Him, to love man and interact with him. However, in order for love to be true love, there must be choice; otherwise its just a forced relationship. So, God gave man the choice to choose him or reject him, without this choice humans would merely be robots, which are incapable of true love. But, man, starting with Adam, chose against the Lord, disobeying his commands. As a result, man became unholy and imperfect, making it impossible for us to be united with, and have a relationship with, a holy and perfect God. Since man now stood apart from God, rather than with him, God decided to give man the opportunity to be free from the sin keeping man from God. Also, once in a state of imperfection, man could not do anything to become perfect, there would always be a blemish unless it was washed away. Man had rebelled against God, and God wanted to reconcile man to Himself.
God chose to provide Jesus, his own son, to be the perfect and only sacrifice to wash us clean and be the payment for our rebellion. Jesus was able to do this because he is God, because He lived a perfect life, and He freely gave his life. Now, all we must do is choose God, and accept Jesus' death as taking away the sin keeping us from God. Jesus' sacrifice is complete, and once we choose him, our sin is forgiven forever. So, by placing our belief in Him, we can be free of our sin, and God sees Christ in us rather than our imperfection. Now we will be with God in Heaven, and have a relationship with Him in our time here on Earth.
Having understood this, I went into sophomore year leaning on Christ. I knew now that all the strength I had was a blessing from Him and that His love covered all my sins. I found for the first time that God truly does answer prayers if we trust in Him, and I found peace in working for something outside of my own selfish desires. But the most amazing thing I found was grace. That summer I had, for the first time, fully understood the power and truth of Christ's salvation. All my life I had grown up in a Christian church, and I intellectually believed that Christ had died on the cross for my sins. But it wasnt until I found that my own strength couldnt cover my sins and I came to understand in my spirit that Christ suffered all that pain for me, that I knew the fullness of His beauty. Nails through his hands and feet, lashes on his back, and a world who hated could not keep Him from loving me. We often turn away when met with the slightest rejection or hardship. And yet, Christ who was fully man and fully God let His awesome love endure such immense pain. When God revealed this love to me, it filled that void inside my soul. I knew what I was going to live for; I knew now what I was willing to die for.
Since that time, God has taken me on an incredible journey. The passion of my heart is to share the truth that changed my life, and to help show others the depths of who God is and what His word means in their daily lives. In recent years, I have seen the awesome power of a living God. Before I became a Christian, it seemed that God was far away, reserved for church, holidays, and tragedies. Without Christ, it is impossible to know God personally, because we are separated by our sin. Having placed my faith in Christ, Ive been able to have an intimate and growing relationship with the Creator, an experience that is truly unfathomable. I want so badly for people to take their eyes from the world around them and look for the God that created it all. It breaks my heart to see a world that doesnt know the pain of the cross, the joy of the resurrection, and the awe of knowing the God of the universe. So, wherever I go, whether in baseball, school, or ministry, I take these truths with me. There is nothing more important.
