PureVolume

Members: MollyRingworm

STORY OF THE BAND
One lonesome saturday morning 23 years ago, 5 hapless misfits showed up for detention at Spermer High School, in Austin, Texas . They met once and it changed their lives forever. They were five total losers with with nothing in common, an Idiot Savant, a Tranny Beauty Queen, a Gay Wrestler, an Asshole, and a Heavy Metal Basketcase. Before long they all touched themselves and each other in a way unimaginable.

The losers pass the hours in detention in a variety of ways: they dirtydance, lick ass on each other, tell bullshit stories, girlfight, smoke lots of marijuana and crack (remember this was the 80's), and speak on a variety of subjects. Gradually they open up to each other and reveal their inner secrets (for example, Seedy Ally is a nymphomaniac and a compulsive eater who once weighed 400 lbs. and Anthony and Molly are ashamed of their anal virginity). They also discover that they are quintuplets given up at birth and are all related by the same sperm donor and San Francisco hippie lesbian mother and are afraid of their secret being discovered. However, despite these developing bonds of loserdom and family ties, the misfits fear that once the detention is over, they will return to their very different cliques and never get to fuck each other again despite the incestuous stigma.


At the request and consensus of the losers, Anthony is forced to write the essay Principal Big Dick Vernon assigned earlier (the subject of which was to be a synopsis by each student detailing "who the fuck do you think you are"), which challenges Big Dick and his preconceived judgements about all of them. Anthony does so, but instead of writing about the actual topic he writes a very motivating letter that is in essence, the main point of the story. He signs the essay "The Asshole Suburbanites" and leaves it at the table for Big Dick to read when they leave.

The letter is as follows:

Anthony LickMy Balls: Saturday, March 24, 1984. Spermin' High School, Austin, Texas . 78701.

Dear Big Dick, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong. What we did felt good and we'd do it again you creamy ass barrel. So we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who "the fuck we think we are". What do you care? you fuckin' piece of shit pansy homo loser. You will worship us...in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as an Idiot, a Tranny Beauty Queen, a Gay Wrestler, an Asshole, and a Heavy Metal Basketcase. And that is who we are.

Cornholio Estevez - a Gay Wrestler,
Ally Seedy - a Heavy Metal Basketcase.
Molly Ringworm - a Tranny Beauty Queen,
Butthole Nelson - an Asshole,
Anthony LickMy Balls - an Idiot Savant.




Does that answer your goddamn question?...
Suck it......
-The Asshole Suburbanites


-Main characters:

* Butthole Nelson: The "Asshole" of the group, is in detention for shooting porn in the girls locker room. He initially was arrested but released early due to overcrowding and sent back to the school to serve out his term in detention in an agreement the cops struck with "Big Dick". Butthole initiates many of the sexual encounters with the rest of the misfits because he is a sex addict. While he is typically hostile at first towards the other losers in the room with him because of his intermittent ED, he seems to have a more tolerant attitude towards AllySeedy, the Heavy Metal 400 lb. Temptress whom he defends against "Big Dick". His hostility stems from the fact that he cant get turned on by the thought of vaginal sex and likes it "Dirty" instead. As expected, most of the girls in the locker room shun the back door entry method so when he lubed up the mustang and drove it up the Hershey Highway, one cried foul and called the cops. Butthole Nelson is at detention regularly and antagonizes "Big Dick" with his tales of pornographic glory. Despite Butthole's constant needling and sexual persistence of the others in detention, they lie to "Tha' Dick" to protect Butthole. Although Butthole Nelson is a nuisance, all of the students share a common enemy in the authority figure of "Dick Head" (whom the losers have given multiple names. Basically, anything with "Dick". Dick Head, Dick Weed, Dick Face, Dick Nuts etc.) At home, Butthole is a victim of child abuse, particularly by his sister, who, he says, would kick his ass and was a porn star who made him watch her booty films where she did the donkey style and take it in the caboose by a train of two then young Bucks, Michael Sylvester Enzio Stallone and Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.. Butthole admittedly acknowledges his emotional scarring from the events, but denies that his anal fascination is in any way attributed to any homoerotic arousal he may have gotten from the films.


* Molly Ringworm: (Originally born Morwald Rubenstein) The "Tranny Princess" of the group, in detention for skipping class to go shopping for hair remover and plus sized women's clothing...... She's used to being sheltered by her group of friends and doting parents. As a boy, young Molly (Morwald) had a innate fascination in women's clothing and would frequently dress up in his/her mothers panties and dresses and experiment with makeup. Always foregoing the neighborhood sandlot football games, young Morwald preferred the company of the girls and their Barbie's and easy bake ovens. After years of gender identity confusion and living as a transvestite undergoing hormone therapy and psychiatric care, Morwald finally got permission to undergo his much awaited transgender surgery. However, in a twist of fate and a typographical error on the surgical order, the surgery was botched as the doctors accidentally wrote "transplant" instead of "transgender" . No one had imagined that the late great Wilt Chamberlain had checked the organ donor box on his driver's license upon his worldly departure. Much to the new "Molly"'s horror and surprise she now possessed the business end of the legendary "Big Dipper", Wilt the Stilt.

Like Anthony, she too is sensitive about being an anal virgin.

* Cornholio Estevez is the "jock -itch" of the lot. He is in detention for beating up a boy and taping the boy's buttocks together. Cornholio, like Molly, is ashamed of being in detention and is used to the better end of social life at school. But unlike Molly, Cornholio is constantly pushed beyond his limits, by his coaches, friends and father. As a closeted homosexual gay wrestler, he struggles constantly to play the part of the "tough guy". He enjoys football as he finds it extremely homoerotic because because of the tight pants worn by the players and the fact that they shower together, frequently popping each other with towels in the locker room. As an athlete however, he prefers wrestling due to its extended close contact. He finds this stimulating as it is his preferred method of initiating sexual encounters with other gay male athletes during secret encounters and at closeted "jock sausage" parties with his other gay redneck cowboy buckfuddies. He is largely ashamed of his attack on the smaller boy because of his own innate self-loathing due to his sexual identity crisis.


* Seedy Alley : The "Heavy Metal Basket Case" of the group, is in detention for reasons still unclear, however, it is rumored that she was once the school pot dealer smuggling the baggies of weed into the school in her folds of blubber. She was socially isolated due to her extreme obesity at nearly 400 lbs. and claims to have no friends although it is hinted that she is from an adopted affluent neocon Republican family. Amazingly, she dropped the weight due to an unexpected sudden addiction to internet porn and chronic masturbating, thus trading her isolate lifestyle of french fries, pizza, and ice cream for a giant dildo and throbbing Heavy Metal. During this intense internet period she happened to stumble upon numerous alien and government conspiracy websites and is now firmly convinced that alien beings control the government and that mind control of the population is an ongoing omnipresence. During these constant fits of paranoia she frequently dons "the Tin Foil Hat" in an attempt to block the mind control waves of satellites, government trucks, spaceships and those emanating from her TV set. She hides beneath her hair and the leather and chains that she wears and will strike out with deadly vengeance when frightened or threatened, and amuses herself by drawing portraits of famed serial killers with whom she has a mild fascination. She is typically quiet and reserved, save for occasional shrieking metal air guitar riffs and a few random outbursts. She is the least hesitant to talk openly about her addictions and isn't afraid of being different. She is the only loser who doesn't partake of Butthole's sexual escapades. Like the girls in the locker room, she will have none of Butthole's "Dirty ways". She does however excel at oral copulation and "heavy petting" and is an avid bisexual who prefers the "Lipstick Lesbians". At home, Seedy Ally is a victim of child neglect from her neocon asshole workaholic parents, her father in particular due to his position as a corrupt far-right wing neo-christian-nazi Senator who is constantly away from home with his mistress on trips paid for by lobbyists and defense industry corporate interests. She claims to be in therapy, but because of her compulsive lying it is unknown if her claim is true. After tricking Molly and Anthony into revealing their then status as anal virgins, Ally states that she too "was" one.....once.


* Anthony LickMy Balls: The group's "idiot savant". Anthony is a bit like Rain Man, in the fact that looks like a genuine tard (who sometimes wears a helmet) but excoriated by the fact that he actually wrote the DOS operating system that was then subsequently stolen by Bill Gates to later the create the Microsoft Windows Operating System. Gates offered Anthony a chocolate bar in exchange for the code and Anthony accepted, because he is especially fond Baby Ruth Bars with peanuts and Big Red soda. In detention for threatening Carl the janitor for making fun of him, Anthony is one of the more vulnerable characters. He is widely seen as the inspiration for today's generation of school killers. As well as being the one who doesn't want any trouble, he is typically incapable of violence but prone to hyperactivity and talking too much. Butthole torments Anthony as the stereotypical "Tard Freak", which offends Anthony though he idolizes Butthole as a consumer of his pornographic locker room material.

Like Molly, he too is sensitive about his anal virginity.

* Principal Big Dick: The emotionally insecure principal of Spermer High School. He dislikes Butthole because of his potty-mouth and threats of anal violation and tales of pornographic glory and sexual conquest.. Dick frequently rummages private school files looking for reports of young girls with promiscuous backgrounds. Big Dick's unscrupulous and perverted curiosities do not go unnoticed by Carl the Jackass Janitor who blackmails him out of $500, threatening to expose him. As a sailor during the Vietnam era, Dick was frequently teased by his shipmates and contracted a particularly nasty case of the "Saigon Fire" from a rendezvous with a 15 year old Vietnamese Vixen upon a visit to "Mama San's Super Go-Go" bordello in Ban Me Thuot, Republic of South Vietnam. [pronounced - Bang- My-Twat by US GI's]. Married more times than Liz Taylor, and incapable of having children of his own, Dick's string of failed marriages have left him bitter and distrusting, with a particular contempt for the students whom he oversees. Since the advent of the internet age, Big Dick frequently trolls BSDM bulletin boards looking for dominatrixes to satiate his fetish of flagellation acquired as a defense mechanism for his painful existence on the planet.


*Carl the Jackass Janitor: Carl is by far the most mysterious character of the lot. Somewhat sinister, however most would agree, "creepy", a better description. Rumors have long flourished about Carl's background as a sex offender and a possible prison term. In addition to these other unsavory accusations it was also whispered that Carl was the supplier for all the weed that trafficked into the high school through Ally's folds of blubber and that he was instrumental in negotiating the distribution deals for Butthole' s locker room exploits with a number of San Fernando Valley sleazebag porn producers. Always the eyes and ears of the institution, he frequently blackmails the other students and staff into participating in his shenanigans, usually involuntarily.